The run. (396 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.25 on 4 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sofa_Ace (View user info) at 2005-04-24 11:21:28 EDT
Rob bent over trying to touch his toes, which were encased in a pair of brand-new $90 Nike running shoes. His hard-earned beer gut got in the way, and he succeeded only in touching his knees, before returning upright. "Good enough" he said, then gave two feeble, off balance front kicks, forcing a pamphlet with a picture of a cornucopia to fall out of his back pocket. He wasn't really sure what he was doing, but he felt pulling in the back of his legs, so figured it was stretching. "Well, let's get this show on the road", he said to himself.
The doctor said that Rob's cholesterol was through the roof, and that exercise and a good diet were the best solution. The doctor gave Rob a pamphlet on healthy eating, food pyramid and everything. He told him to get a food scale, how many calories he should be consuming, and to drink lots of water. Rob nodded his head in agreement, staring at the buffet on the first leaflet.
Rob's stomach grumbled as he lumbered down the street, bent forward, arms flailing. All day he had eaten only four carrots and a can of tuna fish. Rob had never heard of a "Calorie", and the scale he got only measured in grams, which he figured was the metric equivalent. Rob had never realized how heavy water was, until he started weighing it. The way he figured, he had consumed 1,400 gram/calories of water, 200 gram/calories of carrot, and 300 gram/calories of tuna. Which left him with 500 more gram/calories of water to drink after his run. He thought he could even drink more than that, since he weighed the actual can of tuna, but threw away the aluminum. He envisioned himself as a marathon runner, and flailed his arms more wildly.
It was three blocks from his house when Rob collapsed in someone's front yard. His hair was matted to his forehead with sweat, and his breath came in short, wheezing gasps. He was convinced he had fallen through the earth, and was now waist deep in hell. That was the only way he could describe the burning in his legs, and the unseen assailant that stabbed his lungs every time he inhaled. He wanted to go home.
Sarah sat cross-legged on her couch with a bag of microwavable popcorn, watching "Sleepless in Seattle" with Tom Hanks. She was wearing only a bathrobe. This was the worst movie she had ever seen, but she had seen it thousands of times, and still cried every time she watched it. The movie was interrupted by what sounded like a dying wildebeest, and looked pretty similar. She peeked out her window to see a man laying face down in her yard, trying to crawl away, his legs dragging motionless behind.
She walked out of her house to further investigate, popcorn still clutched in her right hand, Kleenex in her left. "Are you alright?" She asked the crawling man, who hadn't noticed her until now. With a great deal of effort, he rolled over onto his back, his beer belly jiggling with every gasp of air. "Water ... please ... five hundred ... Calories ... grams." he managed to communicate in between gasps of air.
Sarah stared at the helpless creature on her lawn for several seconds, then went and got him a glass of water. He drank it all in one gulp, dropped the glass to the ground and sat there panting. Sarah offered him some popcorn, he refused. He looked like a helpless puppy dog, completely dependent. She felt her role as a nurturer being fulfilled.
Sarah didn't notice that her bathrobe hung open a little bit, exposing the side of her left breast. "Nice tits" Rob thought to himself, but tried not to stare. His friends had told him he might be able to meet more women if he ran, but he didn't know it would happen this quickly. He thought that as soon as he caught his breath, he should try to act more suave.
It was love at first sight.
User Reviews
Submitted by Mr.Brightside (user info) at 2005-04-24 15:05:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-04-24 14:19:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the best thing I have read today.
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-04-24 11:42:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It's funny that I'm currently reading the wikipedia article on the McMansion.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-04-24 11:33:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-04-24 11:21:57 (#)
Ranking: 0
can i get a gulp without a charge?
i don't suppose that will cause any harm
nice pools from a stream, river, or spring
vital drops i need to cop, to get through the sting of dry work
what could be worse than dying of thirst
when there's liquid all around
enough for you to drown, not enough to suck down
you're all alone, your insides are unknown to the salinity that it holds
tongue out with hope evaporating, up to the clouds that hang oh so close, yet oh so far
you'll never have a clean/free glass with your lunch again
next it will be air-bags we'll have to suck in
many would rather drink soda, in a diabetic mode of man's creation
you are the guinea pigs for the consumer age of misinformation.