Apparently wearing a pink shirt makes me gay (or, why I'm an Uber Geek) (3174 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: BestofDonovanMD
Rating: 1.72 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DonovanMD <Dmacd58.at.telus.net> (View user info) at 2005-04-25 19:19:12 EDT
So apparently wearing a pink shirt makes me gay.
When I wear a normal blue, black, green, white shirt I'm still the heterosexual, woman loving Donovan you've all come to know and love (Not that way fag). But when I slip into the color pink, people's gay-dar goes into code pink and instantly I'm transformed into an ass loving, fondue eating, Will and Grace loving flamer (when in reality I only love the show for the comedy). Or so everyone I've run into today would lead you to believe.
When I rolled out of bed this morning I was dead tired, too many evenings of less than 6 hours sleep has turned me into Don of the Dead. I pulled on my jeans; slipped on some socks and dug through the laundry basket of clean clothes I call a dresser, looking for a shirt. It was a toss up between my "If you're a Socialist go fuck yourself" shirt, and my pink American Eagle ringer. Not wanting to give the wrong impression to co workers that I hated socialist, I tossed on the pink shirt and went to work. Big mistake.
People started eyeing me funny on the drive to work. I pulled up at a red light next to a burly fella in a pickup who looked over and saw me, a young man, wearing a pink shirt and driving a dark purple civic hatchback and smiled a gap toothed smile before winking at me.
Uh. A little odd.
But I thought nothing of it and continued to work.
Walking in the door to the retail store I work plain clothes security at, I passed two tall, athletic men wearing expensive designer clothing and sharing an Orange Julius from two straws. They both looked me up and down before one exclaimed to me "Why, doesn't this boy just look gay today. Eh Pedro?"
"Why thank you, I am quite happy, it's a lovely day gentleman."
They giggled and left.
I dropped off my briefcase and gear and headed out onto the floor to catch shoplifters. Just 10 minutes into my shift I see a couple teenage girls selecting cosmetics and walking down the feminine hygiene aisle, so I step into the aisle and pretend to browse while watching them out of the corner of my eye. Normally I select some random product from the shelf to blend in.
While not realizing it, I was standing in front of the condom section, and had picked up a bottle of lube, pretending to read the back while watching my suspects. During this a very large black man wearing short shorts much to short for his, er... figure, walked by and looked at me. Then at the lube. Then at the shirt. He made a V shape out of his index and forefinger and put them to his mouth, sticking his tongue out at me and grabbed his crotch and tugged. He walked away laughing.
I furrowed my brow in a disconcerting way and began following the man, he was black after all. And acting suspiciously. Sure enough, moments later the fellow pulls a pair of socks out of the clearance bin and shoves them down the front of his shorts. He exits and I come out and arrest him.
"Hey fella, Loss Prevention, you have to come with me."
"Huh. I didn't steal nuttin."
"The socks," I said. Motioning towards his crotch. "Lets go"
"The socks? Nah, dats all natural man."
Back in the office he admitted to the theft and was well behaved while I wrote my report and called the police.
"So, are ya sure ya cant jus let me off with a warnin this time? Please? I won't do it again."
"I'm sorry sir, but I have to do..."
"Awww come on boy, maybe there's something I can do fer you...."
At this point he winked at me, licked the palm of his right hand and slide it down the front of his pants. With a big smile on his face.
"Uh...no sir, please don't do that," I said and continued typing the report. I was starting to get the impression he might be a homosexual.
"You're a good looking boy, you know that? In shape,.... cute butt!"
"....Well thank you. I do work out."
I tried not to look at him and kept typing. He seemed a little gay, he complimented my looks and commented on my "cute butt". I'm probably over thinking things. He might just be a confident guy who notices things like that and doesnt mind saying so. I shrugged it off and continued typing.
"I'm gay! Now do me you big gay sexy security guard!"
My eyes were the size of saucers and I pushed back from my desk and stared at him.
"Excuse me?? I am NOT gay. I love women!"
He smiled at me, "Of course you're gay. Tall, good shape, the pink shirt and looking at lube? I know a gay when I see one. Now come here!"
--
After a brief scuffle that he seemed to enjoy a little to much, he was handcuffed and back on the bench. The police arrived and took him away. On the way out one of the cops made a comment about "those fucking Liberals in Ottawa" and the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman.
What's next, a man allowed to marry a cat or a dog?
At this point I went to the bathroom and washed up and looked at myself in the mirror. I was quite shaken up and wearing that pink shirt made me feel so seedy. I had to change.
On my coffee break I decided I would go upstairs to The Gap and grab a new shirt for the rest of my shift. I headed for the escalator and at the bottom nearly ran into two very attractive young ladies doing some Monday afternoon shopping. We made eye contact. I smiled at them, feeling very heterosexual, and winked at the taller, cuter one. I stepped onto the escalator and they stepped on behind me. I was debating on turning around and saying hello when I hear the girls whispering and chuckling behind me. No, that was a full laugh.
"...cute.......but.....pink shirt.....likes da cock"
I was about to turn around and prove my love of women by commenting on how much I would love a breast in my mouth right about now, when a strange feeling of deja vu came over me. Where had I seen this situation before. Wait, that was it!
Ubersite!
More precisely a small, fairly unimpressive anecdote written some months ago by Fat Tony was what I was remembering. (http://www.ubersite.com/m/59559)
I smiled to myself and began internally working my guts trying to find that perfect little pocket of stink. Last nights chili and this mornings bacon and eggs was what I found, and they didnt mix well. I tried the one cheek sneak, slightly cracking my crack and feeling the hiss of gas releasing. It was barely audible, like opening a can of soda. But the after effects were devestating. The wave of gross hit the girls and they both made audible sounds of disgust, one whispering something about it smelling similiar to her dogs farts.
We reached the top and I stepped off the escalator, pausing and pretending to look around. The girls bumped into me and squeked "excuse us" and rushed past, clearing their lungs of my filth. It was at that point that I realised what an Uber geek I have become. Not that its a bad thing, there's no better way to kill a day of work. Like I'm doing right now. Thank you Ubersite!
I decided to save my money and forget the new shirt and came back downstairs to work. I got 4 numbers on the walk back to the store too, and as I write this I'm debating on whether to call Paul or Silas.
User Reviews
Submitted by slapsticky (user info) at 2006-09-07 15:47:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-07-04 04:11:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shut up pinky, shirty, wearin, guy, gay, guy, super, pinky, gay, guy...guy!!
I have a pink shirt on right now, and I must fuck your butt!! Jokes aside
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-07-04 03:51:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/69874#1424621
Not cool.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-04-27 16:06:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hahaha. I kind of put on a face for that picture. I dont think many people who know me would ever accuse me of being gay. Thats almost as heinous as being a Nazi or a Yankees fan.
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2005-04-27 15:53:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Now that c1ndy said it, I can admit when I first saw that photo I was thinking "My my, what a gay man." Has nothing to do with the shirt, it's um... you... er..... look like you are... we.... um... a fag. There I said it. You DO look gay.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-04-27 13:24:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you do look gay. nothing wrong with looking gay though.
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2005-04-27 13:09:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad I could be a positive influence :)
There is nothing wrong with wearing a pink shirt, I do it all the time. Then again, I am a tall hairy, fat, sweatty glob of a man and would never be accused of being an ass pirate.
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2005-04-27 01:13:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pink=confidence
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-04-26 15:40:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks girls.
I'll send a naked picture of myself to any girls who submit this to B@W.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-04-26 14:55:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hell, I'd do ya...
...in the pooper.
Submitted by UberGirl (user info) at 2005-04-26 14:50:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have dreamy eyes.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-04-26 14:37:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And I'M the tease? MMmmmmmm..nice....
and you sold yourself to CookieLass already. Oh, well...fun while it lasted.
Although..maybe, if you prove you're worth the fight...I might be able to take her...
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Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-04-26 02:08:38 (#)
Ranking: 0
Tease.
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Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-04-26 02:06:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
Crystle:
I lie, the picture was actually posted in this thread:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/60102
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-04-26 14:35:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was the best song in the world... the best song in the world...
Sorry, oh, the post? Awesome. Any more questions? Good.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-04-26 14:00:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by liquidnyquiz (user info) at 2005-04-26 12:45:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
You know whats rong with the world? People want to learn everything, but they just end up learning the rong things. I mean, ur right infront of them and they are talking behind your back, wtf is that? People this days have no maners.
--
Nor any spelling skills it appears.
Submitted by liquidnyquiz (user info) at 2005-04-26 12:45:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You know whats rong with the world? People want to learn everything, but they just end up learning the rong things. I mean, ur right infront of them and they are talking behind your back, wtf is that? People this days have no maners.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-04-26 12:02:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So, didn't you think to play the "gay card" to try to get a "change-my-lifestyle" fuck from one of the girls on the escalator?
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-26 10:41:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I dont think its the pink shirt thats making you look gay. Good luck with all of that.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-26 10:32:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think guys in pink shirts are sexy.
A date came to pick me up a couple of months ago, and he was wearing a pink oxford shirt and black pants. We didn't make our reservation.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-04-26 10:12:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Yes it does.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-04-26 09:29:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-04-26 01:12:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
++++
This has the makings for one of those Bud Lite radio commercials, the "Here's to you, Mr.______ adds):
- - -
Here's to you, Mr. Pink-Shirt-Wearing-Heterosexual-Man. You don't dally around the closet searching out that favorite Hilfiger button-down khaki, and L.L. Bean tartan be damned. You're a sexually secure hetero bull-god who grabs the first clean shirt on the rack, even if it is a three-alarm flame-throwing-pink fag-snagger.
You boldly horn your way through the work-a-day world, dodging more gay slurs than Keanu Reeves did bullets in the Matrix. Your hetero swagger lets them all know you spent the weekend with ESPN, cracking your way through a cold case of Bud Lite while polishing your favorite pistol- and not the kind that shoots liquid bullets.
So have another cold Bud Lite and leave the closet fuss to the Queer Eye Guys, Mr. Pink-Shirt-Wearing-Heterosexual-Man-
(Chorus: "Mr. Pink-Shirt-Wearing-Heterosexual-Mannnnn.)
-and let the River-Dance-loving gay-sayers say what they may. We know you're not gay, even though you make people think that Frankie is back from Hollywood, that cold Bud in your hand tells them all that even though you're wearing pink, your favourite pink is the kind wrapped around your big dick.
(Chorus: "Mr. Pink-Shirt-Wearing-Heterosexual-Mannnnn.)
Well done.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-04-26 08:15:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ATTN GHEY MENZ!
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-26 07:36:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you go G-unit
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-04-26 02:08:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-04-26 00:47:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hide and seek, huh? well.. it might take me a few days.. I guess anticipation is part of the fun, isn't it?.. So I'll go through your posts.. (and me likey the 6'4!)
As for your first glimpse of me... probably will be the UberDirectory once thats up but here's something to tide you over ;-)
--
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-04-01 16:28:08 (#)
Ranking: 1
Sending in an email
--
Tease.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-04-26 02:06:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Crystle:
I lie, the picture was actually posted in this thread:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/60102
Submitted by zxcvvcxz (user info) at 2005-04-26 01:25:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pink is the new red. P Diddy wears pink.
I guess.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-04-26 01:12:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
++++
This has the makings for one of those Bud Lite radio commercials, the "Here's to you, Mr.______ adds):
- - -
Here's to you, Mr. Pink-Shirt-Wearing-Heterosexual-Man. You don't dally around the closet searching out that favorite Hilfiger button-down khaki, and L.L. Bean tartan be damned. You're a sexually secure hetero bull-god who grabs the first clean shirt on the rack, even if it is a three-alarm flame-throwing-pink fag-snagger.
You boldly horn your way through the work-a-day world, dodging more gay slurs than Keanu Reeves did bullets in the Matrix. Your hetero swagger lets them all know you spent the weekend with ESPN, cracking your way through a cold case of Bud Lite while polishing your favorite pistol- and not the kind that shoots liquid bullets.
So have another cold Bud Lite and leave the closet fuss to the Queer Eye Guys, Mr. Pink-Shirt-Wearing-Heterosexual-Man-
(Chorus: "Mr. Pink-Shirt-Wearing-Heterosexual-Mannnnn.)
-and let the River-Dance-loving gay-sayers say what they may. We know you're not gay, even though you make people think that Frankie is back from Hollywood, that cold Bud in your hand tells them all that even though you're wearing pink, your favourite pink is the kind wrapped around your big dick.
(Chorus: "Mr. Pink-Shirt-Wearing-Heterosexual-Mannnnn.)
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-04-26 00:47:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hide and seek, huh? well.. it might take me a few days.. I guess anticipation is part of the fun, isn't it?.. So I'll go through your posts.. (and me likey the 6'4!)
As for your first glimpse of me... probably will be the UberDirectory once thats up but here's something to tide you over ;-)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-04-26 00:27:12 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm 20 baby!! And 6'4.
There's even a bellyshot of mine hidden in a post of mine. It was a link in a review.
See if you can find it!!
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-04-26 00:27:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm 20 baby!! And 6'4.
There's even a bellyshot of mine hidden in a post of mine. It was a link in a review.
See if you can find it!!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-04-26 00:25:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<fluttering eyelashes>
yeah.. but maybe you're too young for me...
Wait..what am I saying.. you're over 18 right? T'aint no such thing as too young long as that's true..
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Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-04-25 23:56:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah what the hell, I'm a big fan of exceptions.
Submitted by myredmirage95 (user info) at 2005-04-26 00:15:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you wearing lip gloss? What shade is that?
Just kidding.
I love a guy who isn't afraid to wear pink. Sexy.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-04-25 23:59:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lemmiwinks?
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-04-25 23:56:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-04-25 23:31:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
OH well.. I have a kid. Darn. Oh yeah... and a big fan of foreplay. Oh well.. you lose :-)
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Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-04-25 20:12:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-04-25 19:56:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
eh - I'd still do ya...
--
As much as the story may hint, I am very straight. Email m your nudes and contact info at the email above, and I will respond accordingly. As long as you're not fat/have kids/a man/have any STDS/a fan of foreplay or any combination of those, the email will be considered.
Thank you and good day.
--
Ah what the hell, I'm a big fan of exceptions.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-04-25 23:45:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thexy.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-04-25 23:39:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not as fun beating a guy down when he wants you to, I imagine. Unless you're a pink-shirted homo.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-04-25 23:31:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH well.. I have a kid. Darn. Oh yeah... and a big fan of foreplay. Oh well.. you lose :-)
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Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-04-25 20:12:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-04-25 19:56:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
eh - I'd still do ya...
--
As much as the story may hint, I am very straight. Email m your nudes and contact info at the email above, and I will respond accordingly. As long as you're not fat/have kids/a man/have any STDS/a fan of foreplay or any combination of those, the email will be considered.
Thank you and good day.
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2005-04-25 23:26:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Posting a pic of your hand puppet is not funny. However, the saying is true, "No guts, no glory".
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-04-25 23:24:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck em, don.
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2005-04-25 23:14:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written, but every guy knows not to wear pink. It is a rule set in stone. And, every guy knows that every girl knows that guys don't wear pink t-shirts which makes it a double misstep (If you're straight). However, your story was well written.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-04-25 21:19:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I find that men who wear pink are much more masculine than those who won't.
And this post is hysterical.
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2005-04-25 20:53:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Will and Grace... Comedy?
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-04-25 20:13:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-04-25 20:11:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to memorize what your car looks like and glare at every car like it....even if the driver doesn't look like you.
Are YOU the one that's murdering all the hookers? I know I didn't do it, so that leaves YOU as the prime suspect....
I'm calling Crime Stoppers.
--
hahaha. None of mine have been found yet...I mean...
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-04-25 20:12:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-04-25 19:56:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
eh - I'd still do ya...
--
As much as the story may hint, I am very straight. Email m your nudes and contact info at the email above, and I will respond accordingly. As long as you're not fat/have kids/a man/have any STDS/a fan of foreplay or any combination of those, the email will be considered.
Thank you and good day.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-04-25 20:11:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to memorize what your car looks like and glare at every car like it....even if the driver doesn't look like you.
Are YOU the one that's murdering all the hookers? I know I didn't do it, so that leaves YOU as the prime suspect....
I'm calling Crime Stoppers.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-25 20:09:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's not the shirt doing it.
Really.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-04-25 20:04:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a hot pink shirt - it's my lucky sales shirt!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-04-25 19:58:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good post Dolph Laundren
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-04-25 19:56:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
eh - I'd still do ya...
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-04-25 19:55:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-04-25 19:40:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
That shit sounds like Kingsway to me. Orange Julius...the Gap...fags. Yup. Kingsway fucking Garden Mall.
I'm going to stalk you. Stalk you good.
....Fag.
--
Watch yourself next time your accosting people in the Timmies/Wendys drivethrough downtown Steve! I know where you eat lunch!!!!
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-04-25 19:45:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarity
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-04-25 19:40:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That shit sounds like Kingsway to me. Orange Julius...the Gap...fags. Yup. Kingsway fucking Garden Mall.
I'm going to stalk you. Stalk you good.
....Fag.