Don't Fuck with Starfish (649 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.25 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by sword (View user info) at 2005-04-26 05:40:01 EDT
Harold Starr was 1 and ½ inch tall, he weighed nearly a full pound and in his own words "ain't none of it bone". Harold was the biggest, baddest starfish in the sea and he had a mean streak a mile wide.
Harold came through the door to his favorite little watering hole. The run down old bar had a name once but it had been so long since the ancient sign that bore the name collapsed that nobody remembered quite what it was. The name wasn't important though, what was important was the fact that the place was cheap and everyone inside knew that anything goes.
Harold went up to the bar and with a growl ordered his usual. "Two shots of rubbing alcohol" Harold didn't drink anything but rubbing alcohol. He hated the taste of it. While the bartender poured Harold his drink Harold bent down and picked up the butt of an old cigarette off the ground. He put it into his mouth and with a deft twist of his other star point he coaxed a flame from his old silver lighter. Harold lit the butt and took a big drag. When his drink was ready he turned around behind him and spat what was left of the cigarette onto a nearby table. Everyone at the table was too smart to say anything to Harold Starr.
While Harold gulped his rubbing alcohol a pair of bright orange starfish came in. They were young and judging by their dress and the woman's jewelry they had a lot of money. They were not the kind of customer that usually came to the nameless bar. Harold looked the woman up and down and liked what he saw. Harold decided to keep on looking.
The man approached the bar while the woman waited coyly by the front door. "Excuse me, barkeep" he asked with a polite and dignified voice. When the bartender didn't make any effort to answer him the man looked up and down the bar, he noticed the few other gruffly clad clients sitting at tables and he saw Harold doing lines of coke off the bar. He tried the bartender again "Our car ran out of gas a little ways up the road, and well you see we were wondering if you knew any place around here where we could purchase some gasoline" The man slowly trailed off as he realized the bartender wasn't even pretending to pay the slightest bit of attention. "I see, well, we will just look somewhere else then" Said the male starfish and he turned to go.
The man was surprised to find Harold standing in his way. "Now wait right there mister. I've taken a fancy to your girl fish back there." Harold said waving his star point back towards the door and the female star fish. "And I will let you have all the gasoline in my car outside if you let me take your little lady upstairs for a throw."
The other starfish looked Harold up and down as he quivered with rage. Harold's shabby old trench coat was stretched tight against his massive bulk but even so Harold had just messed with the wife of a jealous starfish. Instead of answering the male starfish let fly with a mighty roundhouse aimed at Harold's head.
Harold saw the blow coming in plenty of time but didn't even try to stop it, he just accepted the hit and staggered back, but even as he did so he pulled out his butterfly knife. The other man charged recklessly at Harold going for an outright tackle but Harold simply stepped back and stabbed his knife in between the other man's star points. Harold left the knife embedded in his gasping foe and executed a series of well practiced jabs to the man's face. Each one connected and with each one came a splatter of blood and a pained cry.
The man shoved Harold off of him and grabbed a nearby chair. He hefted it over his head and brought it crashing down upon Harold. The chair shattered like kindling and Harold remained unmoved. Harold waited until the last of the chair debris had hit the ground before kicking the man in the stomach knocking the wind out of him and doubling him over. Then Harold grabbed the unfortunate starfish on either side of his body and with amazing physical strength tore his victim into two separate halves. Harold dropped each half to the floor and turned to the woman at the door.
The woman, upon seeing her husband torn in half, screamed in shock and tried to flee the bar. Before she could though Harold was on her, he moved fast when he wanted to. Harold pushed her into the wall and held her from behind till she couldn't move and then he whispered into her ear "Come on upstairs Missy for a little fun."
User Reviews
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-04-26 17:42:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He he he..
This definitly made me laugh.. Big bad starfish..
Hmm.. what DOES starfish blood look like?
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-04-26 16:52:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sword (user info) at 2005-04-26 16:28:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
actually Mr Sparkle most starfish can't regenerate their entire bodies, what they can regrow is limbs that are torn off. I think you are thinking of worms. Oh and he could have hid his lighter and butterfly knife inside of his trench coat.
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I assert that if my flatmate can put a trenchcoat on her stupid chihuahua, then it's feasible that a starfish could wear one as well.
The end.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2005-04-26 16:41:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahhaha
Submitted by Hands_Rambone (user info) at 2005-04-26 16:37:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-04-26 06:27:33 (#)
Ranking: -2
No.
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Don't worry this guy is just a raging fagbot and wishes he was getting raped by Harold.
Submitted by sword (user info) at 2005-04-26 16:28:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
actually Mr Sparkle most starfish can't regenerate their entire bodies, what they can regrow is limbs that are torn off. I think you are thinking of worms. Oh and he could have hid his lighter and butterfly knife inside of his trench coat.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-04-26 16:14:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm too confused to give a ranking.
But think about it: if you cut a starfish in half, each half will grow another half, so you have two starfish. In that case, Harold would be in for some hardcore fighting (either that or a foursome).
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-04-26 15:17:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2005-04-26 15:07:17 (#)
Ranking: 1
Where would a starfish keep a lighter and a knife? Starfish don't have pockets. And it's not like he could just walk into a starfish bar holding a knife and a lighter in each of his star points. That's just asking for trouble. Not to mention he'd lose the element of surprise on his stabbing victim. I mean, one look at him, and the other fish starts thinking "shit, that fish is holding a knife in his left star point, and there's a good chance could stab me and rape my lady fish against the wall of this bar once I'm dead..."
And don't tell me he was wearing pants, because a starfish wearing pants is just plain silly.
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HA!!
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2005-04-26 15:07:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Where would a starfish keep a lighter and a knife? Starfish don't have pockets. And it's not like he could just walk into a starfish bar holding a knife and a lighter in each of his star points. That's just asking for trouble. Not to mention he'd lose the element of surprise on his stabbing victim. I mean, one look at him, and the other fish starts thinking "shit, that fish is holding a knife in his left star point, and there's a good chance could stab me and rape my lady fish against the wall of this bar once I'm dead..."
And don't tell me he was wearing pants, because a starfish wearing pants is just plain silly.
Submitted by Flash (user info) at 2005-04-26 14:54:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BOB?
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-04-26 14:25:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah yes. Good ol' phylum echinodermata. i did a 9th grade biology report on those guys. if you want some top notch research material, just let me now and i can try to dig it out of my parent's basement.
Submitted by wanderingsharps (user info) at 2005-04-26 14:12:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tore him in half...I liked that.
rather good. thanks.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-26 13:51:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This is a fun read.
Submitted by Viper_04 (user info) at 2005-04-26 09:07:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Maybe we should leave you in the corner with your safety scissors and a cricle of paper...
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-04-26 08:59:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This reminds me of a story that I wrote in grade 7 about two worms having dinner in a compost heap. Of course, in my story, no invertebrates were harmed in the making.
Submitted by ze_poodle (user info) at 2005-04-26 07:39:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Starfish rape? You get points for originality.
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2005-04-26 07:04:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well wheres the rest of it?
i want more
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-04-26 06:44:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-04-26 06:37:54 (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.tubgirl.com
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-04-26 06:37:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.tubgirl.com
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-04-26 06:27:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No.