Santa vs. the Church (833 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.82 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Santa Claus (View user info) at 2005-04-26 10:10:52 EDT
It was a few days before Christmas 1956, and I had heard some terrible news: a church in Virginia was telling all its parishioners that I did not exist. I was, of course, pissed. Who the fuck are they to tell anyone that I did not exist?!
I hopped on the sleigh. With me came three or four Elves, hopped up on some drug they had made (Elves make all kinds of drugs that they sell to human doctors. You know Heroin? Originally made in the North Pole). We brought a few tazers, too. You never know, you might decide that some guy needs to get tazered.
It was almost 9:00 PM when we landed outside the church. Of course, it was a Catholic church. All churches blow, but the Catholics have a hard-on for me. I jumped out of the sleigh. "Okay, Elves, we're going to spend less than five minutes in that church, but they're gonna remember it for the rest of their life, okay?" They all nodded.
I threw open the doors and screamed "THERE'S NO GOD!" The next thing I did was drop-kick some dude who was dumb enough to be standing next to the door. I leapt to my feet. The guy didn't. The entire church was staring at me. "Ho ho ho," I said. "Sorry you kids had to see that, but he was asking for it!" The kids nodded in agreement. Some of the adults did, too. They were all gonna get something awesome for Christmas.
"I've come to tell you all one thing: I DO exist, and it doesn't matter what this church says!" A few old crones were getting mad, and one opened her mouth to speak. I pointed at her, ands she got dropped by a tazer.
"But how can you PROVE you exist?!" shouted the priest from the pulpit. "Well, dumbass, probably because I just had that old bitch tazered and I drop-kicked this guy here." I pointed at him. He hadn't moved. "Where is this God dude, huh?" I waved at the ceiling. "Oh yeah, he's floating around in some magic castle in the sky, right?" The man on the ground moaned. An Elf ran up to him. "Shut the FUCK up!" he shrieked in his tiny Elf voice. He kicked the guy in the balls.
"But I'm right here, among the people! Look, I've got a tazer and everything! Now who would you believe exists? Some dude who you've never seen or the guy who gives you presents every year and just fucked this guy up?"
I could see that I was getting through to the people. Some were smiling, and a few were staring with what I might call hero-worship. Suddenly, I heard a hissing sound from the pulpit. The priest was bent over, using the pulpit for support. "You... had... to ... ruin it all, didn't you, SAN-TA!" as he said my name, he grew to a massive size, nearly ten feet tall. His priest's robe transformed into a basketball uniform, and that scarf thing they all wore became what seemed to be twelve pounds of gaudy jewelry.
At first, I didn't recognise him. Then, as my alcohol-blurred eyes focused, I saw who it was: the Kwanzaa Spirit."Ha-ha, San-ta, you didn't ex-pect ME, did you?" His 'fro brushed the ceiling of the church. I was amazed. "How did you survive the volcano?" He laughed, shaking the windows. The parishioners were all pressing into the corners. "You should have known that blacks can sur-vive the most ex-treme heat after liv-ing in Af-rica for a million years."
I slapped my head. It was so obvious. But if a volcano, couldn't kill him, what could?! "Santa," whispered an Elf, "here!" he shoved a copy of The Long, Dark Tea-Time of the Soul into my hands. My eyes lit up. "What is that?" Kwanzaa asked. I grinned. "Here, let me GIVE it to you!" As I said give, I hurled the book at him. When the book hit him, his flesh began to bubble. The Elves started giving me more books. The Tommyknockers. Flatland. The Puppet Masters.
Finally, only one book was left. "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court." One of the best books of all time. I hurled it at Kwanzaa. When it struck his face, a bright light filled the room, and he exploded. It was as if someone had turned a hose on me, but it was all blood. It smelled of pork. I was pushed toward the wall. I hit my head and blacked out.
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When I awoke, I was in the sleigh, flying above the Arctic, going back to the North Pole. "Wah... What happened?" I muttered. " "You hit your head. Kwanzaa is dead." I nodded.said the closest Elf. I nodded. "Santa?" he asked. "Is there no God?" I laughed. "Of course there is. He's an asshole, though."
User Reviews
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-10-22 06:37:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Santa_Claus_ (user info) at 2005-05-01 18:14:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, poo. I don't do retaliatory -2s. That's for queermos. I rate based on content. If your post blows truck drivers, it's going to get a bad rating.
Submitted by darkwulffe (user info) at 2005-04-30 11:44:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I had tried to give your post aa +2 due to content, but then looked over your other 5 posts. As I reconsidered , I realized one thing: THEY ARE ALL THE SAME! GAWDDAM! At first I thought it was very amusing, but all five of your posts have exactly the same content.
Word of advice to any who would -2 Santa...or only +1 him and ruin his perfect rating.. Dont. He will go and -2 your posts out of spite. Even if you were drunk when you read his posts and only +1ed it because you went back and read all the rest of his posts, and they all had the same content.
Assfuck.
Submitted by Kazzerax (user info) at 2005-04-27 17:31:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How many wives does Santa have? 3. Ho, Ho, Ho!
Submitted by Santa_Claus_ (user info) at 2005-04-26 18:34:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by InsoManiac (user info) at 2005-04-26 14:13:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by darkwulffe (user info) at 2005-04-26 13:12:44 (#)
Ranking: 1
I really wanted to +2 this... But due to errors I just couldnt
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Its the content that matters you smacktard.
And yeah, you did in fact spell couldn't wrong. Go kill yourself for being such a self-righteous anal retentive asshole.
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I know *someone* who's getting extra presents for Christmas.
Submitted by algermetiphist (user info) at 2005-04-26 17:37:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-04-26 16:11:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you Santa!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-04-26 14:29:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He really is real!
Submitted by InsoManiac (user info) at 2005-04-26 14:13:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by darkwulffe (user info) at 2005-04-26 13:12:44 (#)
Ranking: 1
I really wanted to +2 this... But due to errors I just couldnt
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Its the content that matters you smacktard.
And yeah, you did in fact spell couldn't wrong. Go kill yourself for being such a self-righteous anal retentive asshole.
Submitted by Santa_Claus_ (user info) at 2005-04-26 13:39:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by darkwulffe (user info) at 2005-04-26 13:12:44 (#)
Ranking: 1
I really wanted to +2 this... But due to errors I just couldnt.
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Funny you spelled "couldn't" wrong.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-04-26 13:15:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beaut.
Submitted by darkwulffe (user info) at 2005-04-26 13:12:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I really wanted to +2 this... But due to errors I just couldnt.
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-04-26 12:51:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold!
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-04-26 12:38:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for The Puppet Masters
Submitted by Santa_Claus_ (user info) at 2005-04-26 11:17:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
zakalwe, go on AIM and talk to me: uber santa
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-04-26 11:09:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post, just a point of order really . . . but if you are Santa, and Santa is aka "Saint" Nick . . . how can you really say that the Catholics have it in for you? They've already canonized you, what the hell do you want from them?
Damn man, you used to be all about giving, now it just seems like it is all about you.
I don't know man, you've changed.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-04-26 11:07:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Santa_Claus_ (user info) at 2005-04-26 11:02:23 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-04-26 10:24:17 (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't know what Kwanzaa is, and I'm still pissed at you for "borrowing" my idea.
But Santa did ruin some guys shit. Heh.
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There are thousands of historical and fictional characters to do. You sat on the Santa account for months and did nothing.
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My account never got confirmed. I think there have been safeguards against muliple users from one IP address since Oct/Nov. Ever since KoolMang's messy departure.
Submitted by gtz (user info) at 2005-04-26 11:01:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Followers of Kwanzaa have always been vulnerable to works of great literature. Get's em every time.
Submitted by choc_bongo (user info) at 2005-04-26 10:42:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Romance ?
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-04-26 10:37:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Easily one of my top 5 favorite authors
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-04-26 10:31:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to sit on Santa's lap!
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-26 10:25:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kwanzaa is the NEGRO equivolent to christmas, or in your case CHanuka.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-04-26 10:24:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't know what Kwanzaa is, and I'm still pissed at you for "borrowing" my idea.
But Santa did ruin some guys shit. Heh.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-04-26 10:21:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Santa is a bad ass.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-04-26 10:21:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Santa_Claus_ (user info) at 2005-04-26 10:20:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
When I awoke, I was in the sleigh, flying above the Arctic, going back to the North Pole. "Wah... What happened?" I muttered. " "You hit your head. Kwanzaa is dead." I nodded.said the closest Elf. I nodded. "Santa?" he asked. "Is there no God?" I laughed. "Of course there is. He's an asshole, though."
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Goddamn shitty wanna-be Word program. That's the last time I'm using it.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-26 10:18:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Violence gives me a wicked hard boner.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-04-26 10:17:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's your +2.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2005-04-26 10:16:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A brilliant bit of humor that wisely propped the outhouse door open for a sequel/prequel.