Jack Juiced? Not another hot IOC scandal! (491 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.36 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by icepigs (View user info) at 2005-04-26 11:51:16 EDT
Athens, Greece - More shocking developments in Athens this week as another Olympian was stripped of their gold medal. United States champion candlestick jumper, Jack B. Nimble tested positive for both Vybar 103 and Stearic Power, two hardening agents banned by the World Candlestick Commission. The sports world has been turned on its wick. Outraged fans protested by littering the streets with paraffin. The International Olympic Committee is humiliated once again.
Mr. Nimble set the world record for candlestick jumping just four days ago in Athens. The South Korean Candlestick team was outraged and raised protests almost immediately. "There must be errors in scoring and we demand investigation. This no unimportant gymnastics," the Korean Spokesman stated. "This big sport in our country. We no lose unless someone cheat." (Paul Hamm was not available for comment.)
During the scorecard investigation, the World Candlestick Commission became suspicious of American Jack B. Nimble when they discovered that he was burning the candle at both ends prior to the contest. Every night Jack went out to party and sleep with another foreign athlete. When asked about his sexual promiscuity, Jack replied, "What's wrong with dipping my wick a few times?" Russia's Irina Korzhanenko was outraged that Jack never visited her. Jack was quoted as saying "That's a woman?" It was the combination of his lack of sleep, missing practices and then setting a world record that led to his additional drug test.
The testing labs burned the midnight oil in order to quickly get the results back to the WCC, IOC, FBI, CCZ and RCW. "It wasn't easy to test for the 4,692 different banned substances overnight," complained a lab employee. "But we did it." The lab employee and IOC president, Jacques Rogge, then stepped behind the building to smoke a joint. This reporter is outraged that he wouldn't pass the doobie.
When the news became public, there was a potpourri of outcries. One outraged fan said, "It will take more than a 4 oz vial of vanilla fragrance oil to cover up this stink."
Jack, originally an alternate, barely made the Olympic squad when team captain, Bobeche Taper, had to withdraw due to injury. Taper received 2nd degree burns in a freak accident involving a unity candle while performing groomsman duties at his sister's wedding ceremony. Taper's sister was outraged that her wedding was ruined. (That investigation is still pending. Tonya Harding was not available for comment).
When asked about the juicing allegations, Nimble stated, "I'm a candle in the wind. This incident will burn out long before I leave the sport." Experts disagree and feel Mr. Nimble's career has officially been snuffed.
User Reviews
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-04-28 13:56:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2005-04-26 15:54:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well written, clever, but would've been WAY better had you posted this sometime close to the actual Olympics.
Submitted by Adjomak (user info) at 2005-04-26 12:57:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why is the hit count so fucking low. MORE PEOPLE READ THIS!
Submitted by Adjomak (user info) at 2005-04-26 12:53:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think it was pretty fucking hilarious.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-04-26 12:37:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
...I'm going with Q here. I read bits and pieces, it was mildly entertaining, would have given it a +2 if it were posted with a year of either of the Olympic Games, but its not. +0.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-04-26 12:21:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Philst82 (user info) at 2005-04-26 12:14:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is way better than its rating suggests
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-26 12:18:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh, I get it
Submitted by Philst82 (user info) at 2005-04-26 12:14:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is way better than its rating suggests
Submitted by pantsarestupid (user info) at 2005-04-26 12:11:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tee-hee
Submitted by TheSunGod (user info) at 2005-04-26 12:08:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GOLD. i didn't bust a gut or spit anything on my monitor, but this was funny.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-04-26 11:59:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cute. And a lot better than most crap here.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-04-26 11:57:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
very timely.