Woods and snakes and swans, oh my! (821 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.65 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by AshK <alkite at gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-04-26 14:19:55 EDT
My seven-year-old brain couldn't wrap itself around the horror in front of me. The smell of hot grease filled the air as mom plopped a plate in the middle of the table, filled with the most disgusting things I had ever laid eyes on. Mushrooms. Morells, Peckerheads. UGH! Rolled in flour, salt and pepper and fried to a crispy brown. Dad brought home a "muss" or two of them every year, and this was the year he decided I needed to try them.
"They're wonderful punkin', you don't know what you're missin'!" he said as he plunked another one in his mouth. I gagged a little. It wasn't happening that year. No way, no how.
The annual plate of fried mushrooms stared at me. I was ten and the plate was about three minutes. It was a showdown. Mom had put her foot down. Dad wanted me to try one and I was damn well going to try one. It wasn't going to kill me. Or so they claimed. I wasn't convinced. How could something that nasty looking be good?
The plate seemed to mock me as my hand inched toward the fried nastiness it contained. The paper towel, there to catch the grease, waved its' greasy corner at me mockingly. I picked the smallest one I could find that didn't involve me touching any of the other monstrosities. I took a deep breath and looked pleadingly at my loving parents. They were stoic as death row wardens. I didn't have a chance. I popped the abomination in my mouth, chewed and swallowed. I wiped the sweat off my brow and grabbed another one. These things were good!
The sun was shining off the wet grass, and it was starting to warm up. The forecast was only calling for mid 60's, but the hike through the woods was prompting some sweat.
My dad's voice came tumbling down the hill, "C'mon girls, it's not a mountain."
My step-sister, older than me by 11 months, rolled her eyes and swatted another bug away from her sticky hair. I swear the girl put a hole in the ozone over our house that year. At 14, she spent more time curling and spraying than anyone I had ever met. The insects loved her. She, however, didn't return their affection.
"Fuckin' bugs." She muttered as we trudged up the hillside. Bread sacks in hand. It was mushroom season once again. Since he didn't have to force me to eat them anymore, Dad had invented a new torture. Hunting them. With my sister, nonetheless. It was Hell.
Over the course of the day my sister; lost her empty bread sack, swatted and cussed at every bug within 5 acres (albeit quietly), griped about her messed up hair and got stung by a bee. I managed to step on more mushrooms than I found, bump my head on no fewer than five branches and slip and bust my ass in the mud. We rolled our eyes so many times, it is a wonder they didn't fall out.
My dad just whistled along and when his bread sack was full, we headed back to the boat. Did I mention we were hunting on the lake? We were hunting on the lake.
About 50 yards from the boat, a three foot long black snake slithered over my sister's left foot. It was an omen of things to come.
After we established that the snake was, indeed, gone, got Sarah to stop squealing and me to stop cackling we made our way to the John boat.
We got settled and watched a beautiful swan swim our way as Dad worked on starting the outboard motor. The swan was the picture of grace, and as soon as it got nice and close, turned into the picture of insanity. She must have had a nest nearby because she tried to kill us.
Her first peck landed on Sarah's leg and Sarah jumped up on her bench seat with her toes at the edge and her heels hanging over the lake screaming "Kill it, Kill it, Kill it!" I was ready to jump overboard myself, and Dad was caught between trying to start the motor and trying to keep the swan away from us. He whacked the swan with his flotation cushion and Styrofoam flew everywhere.
The swan was not pleased.
Meanwhile, Sarah's frantic jumping was rocking the boat. Literally. My dad told her to sit down, but she wasn't going anywhere near the beak of death and I didn't blame her.
The next few minutes were filled with the sounds of girls screaming, my dad cursing and one vicious beak snapping. Finally, after being pecked about 10 times, dad grabbed the boat oar and whacked the swan in the head. It floated off swimming in slow circles, looking like it had been to a kegger.
We got the motor started and he trolled about 20 feed from the swan, worrying that he had killed her. I remember the look on his face, one of the only times I had seen him sad, as he ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. I also remember the look on his face when the bird took off after us thirty seconds later. She had one wing in the boat, snapping at all three of us. Damn bird.
We got away and the mushrooms were extra good that night. Maybe our brush with bird death made them taste better.
Dad died in 2000, and I hadn't thought much about the missing annual mushroom fry. Yesterday, a friend brought us a muss of mushrooms. I cleaned them, fried them, tried to coerce my ten-year-old into trying one and cried as I ate a few. The craziest things bring him back.
User Reviews
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-04-16 15:28:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-03-09 14:34:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love morels.
I have a great recipe with dry white wine, sundried tomatoes and kalamata olives that is super tasty.
They're good as hell just battered and fried too.
Feeling read yet?
Do you have any gmail invites left? Huh, do you? Huh? Can I get one if you do? Please please please?
Submitted by JoeAverage (user info) at 2006-03-01 14:44:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Woods and snakes and swans, oh my!
Did you have a team of interior decorators come up with this title? Because it couldn't be more gay. Have a -2 cream puff.
Submitted by Magickmuse (user info) at 2005-10-05 12:52:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
AAAAAAHahahah you pathetic looser!
Retaliatory -2's?
How sad.
Submitted by Magickmuse (user info) at 2005-10-05 00:02:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
he said as he plunked another one in my mouth. I gagged a little
*LOL* He should have plunked his dick in your mouth.
Mushrooms. I got a mushroom for you!! You suck.
Submitted by houseman (user info) at 2005-10-04 17:42:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was really good :)
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-10-04 17:21:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, it's about TIME you decided to show back up here, young lady! :)
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-07-07 11:25:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-05-02 13:47:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The swan was not pleased."
Swans are THE most vicious birds!
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-04-26 16:05:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
really good story, thanks.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-04-26 15:47:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have spring fever.
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-04-26 15:32:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel like going camping.
Submitted by icepigs (user info) at 2005-04-26 15:06:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was, like, beautiful.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-04-26 15:04:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by UberGirl (user info) at 2005-04-26 14:49:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like picture frames.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-26 14:48:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-04-26 14:47:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
your nostalgia has a sweet aroma...much like frying mushrooms.
Bravo, and I hope my daughter has memories like that someday too..
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-26 14:44:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i love mushrooms.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-04-26 14:37:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My wife picks and makes them.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-04-26 14:27:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
last time I had mushrooms I took off my clothes and ran through the woods scooping up handfulls of dirt and licking rocks... good times indeed.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-04-26 14:27:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do these mushrooms make you see trails and lights and stuff?
I want some.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-26 14:23:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmm fried mushrooms, only if they are breaded of course.