How To: Molest your grandma (876 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.82 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by How To (View user info) at 2005-04-26 19:28:33 EDT
The following is a How To guide, and is to be used for educational purposes only. In this case, it could also be used as an informative explanation as to how somebody would go about sexually assaulting his/her grandmother.
1. Invite yourself over to you grandma's house for "tea and crumpets".
2. After half an hour of listening to her boring cat and/or great depression stories, say something along the lines of: "Gee Grandma, you smell like the inside of an ass. When was the last time you took a shower?" She'll apologize and waddle off to "fresh'n up".
3. Grab one of the commemorative tea spoons your grandma keeps in her commemorative tea spoon cabinet. Trust me: she has one. They are just like regular tea spoons but have a perspex covered image on the end of the handle.
4. After you hear the shower start running, stand flush against the outer bathroom wall and start screaming: "FIRE GRANDMA THE STOVE CAUGHT FIRE AND THE WHOLE KITCHEN HAS GONE UP IN FLAMES THE CAT'S DEAD YOU GOTTA GET OUT."
5. When she runs naked out the bathroom, wait until she has ran past you. Crash tackle her by grabbing her ankles with your hands and pushing your face into her ass. Get a good sniff as she goes down.
6. While your grandma is stunned and lying incapacitated on the floor, dazed and confused, forcibly spread her legs and pull the tea spoon from your pocket.
7. Thrust the spoon in and out of her ass. Be careful not to tear the wrinkled corners (yes, there are corners. Stretching the hole creates an ellipse in which the sides form a sharper angle making these areas prone to anal tearing.)
8. Talk dirty to grandma to make the experience more "real" for her. For example:
"Yeah you like that you filthy cuntwhore, don't you. When I'm finished with this spoon I'm gonna go grab that crowbar you keep in the laundry cupboard."
9. When you are bored with grandma's repetitive sobs, push the teaspoon all the way in then manipulate until it is lodged sideways. Threaten your grandma that if she ever tells anyone it was you: you will burn down her house for real.
10. Grab your grandmother's car keys, kick in grandma's front screen door, smash all her garden gnomes, piss on her cat then take grandma's car and drive to a pay phone.
11. Call 911 immediately. "Oh god officer, my grandma's just been raped with a commemorative teaspoon *sob*......yes......*sob*.......yes I can describe him.......he was a nigger..........*sob* oh I'm sorry, officer, I'm just really upset at the moment *sob*"
User Reviews
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-05-05 07:59:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by howto (user info) at 2005-05-04 21:52:18 (#)
Ranking: -2
Ha, revenge -2s, you rate the post, not the poster. You see one of my posts, you say, wow that is fucking sick, -2. So if it is so disgusting, why did you go into my other posts and read on?
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Simple answer to your simple question: Some of your posts were honestly funny. Some were, as you say, disgusting. I don't stereotype any single poster based on one post (including you). Just because I didn't necessarily rate the other posts doesn't mean I don't like them.
Try again.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-05-04 08:55:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WTF is wrong with you and your revenge -2's?
I rate the post, not the poster.
Do the same.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-05-02 13:59:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Extremely sick
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-27 09:45:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for chipmunks!
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2005-04-27 09:37:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Crash tackle her by grabbing her ankles with your hands and pushing your face into her ass. Get a good sniff as she goes down."
*shudder*
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-04-27 08:04:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
most disturbing
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-27 07:57:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was just terrible..............
terribly funny.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-04-27 04:11:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
beautifully disturbing
Submitted by Vermin (user info) at 2005-04-26 22:37:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Will this work for my grandpa?
Submitted by algermetiphist (user info) at 2005-04-26 22:26:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is some messed up thought process there. I'm lovin it.
Submitted by right_wing_extremist (user info) at 2005-04-26 21:12:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a very sick motherfucker. +2
Submitted by Mr.Brightside (user info) at 2005-04-26 20:26:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i think this is the best how to yet, maybe it was that last line... :)
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2005-04-26 20:13:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My grandma can kick your grandma's ass!
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-04-26 20:11:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dash (user info) at 2005-04-26 20:08:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for blaming it on a nigger
Submitted by Dash (user info) at 2005-04-26 20:08:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for blaming it on a nigger and teaching me about the shape of an asshole.
Submitted by Santa_Claus_ (user info) at 2005-04-26 20:00:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love it!
Submitted by sword (user info) at 2005-04-26 19:58:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I see these alternate bad good bad good
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-04-26 19:49:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Your last one was MUCH better.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-04-26 19:47:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Die
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-04-26 19:46:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amazing.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-04-26 19:39:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not gonna read it, but +2 for hetting the image of MoonStone's naked grandman in her head.
Submitted by MoonStone (user info) at 2005-04-26 19:31:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for getting the image of a naked grandma in my head.