An Interview With Sir Optimus Prime ( I heard something about copy post Wednesday?) (699 hits)
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Submitted by The T Man (View user info) at 2005-04-27 15:14:39 EDT
In a small Chateau overlooking Lake Geneva, there is a tractor trailer parked facing the sunset. This tractor-trailer is in fact a robot. A very special robot named Optimus Prime, who led the Autobots to victory in the war against the Decepticons to protect Earth's energy.
I say hi and he transforms. A few small sounds, and a half a second later, he stands at his full height. The 27' 4 Autobot, though retired, is still active in his old age. He still enjoys a good game of football with his long-time Autobot companions, and goes for long drives to vacation hotspots and historical sites. His shining blue eyes, though mechanical, give off an aura of caring and warmth. It is the end of the day, and Sir Prime is settling down with some energon.
He splits his time between Earth and Cybertron, where he runs a stock brokerage with the Investicons. I ask him about his youth and he goes back to a time when he was Orion Pax, a young robot who looked up to the Decepticons.
"They had such complete air superiority, it was hard for a young robot not to admire them." But that all changed when Megatron raided his energon depository.
"I was mortally wounded. But lucky for me, Alpha Trion rebuilt me."
Prime is no stranger to resurrection. Megatron has mortally wounded him twice, the first time he was rebuilt by his boss, Alpha Trion, the second time he was rebuilt by the Quintessons.
"That was a whole lot of pain. I need a drink."
He sits back and takes a shot of energon. He looks towards the sun.
"It's nice to sit back and take it easy these days," he remarks. "It sure beats having to roll out, kill robots, and save the world every friggin' afternoon. It's nice that I've been knighted, but really, Wheeljack, Ultra Magnus, Rodimus--those guys deserve more. They stood by me through everything."
As leader of the Autobots, he was there with the elite group of robots that awoke after 4 million years of suspended animation on Earth, and then protected the planet's energy from the Decepticons who had also crash-landed on Earth.
"Things are better in most respects, yes, but there are some things that really piss me off," he snaps. "We spend all those years protecting this planet's energy, only to see it wasted. The environment is deteriorating, and the poverty! I fought to protect this planet's energy and I hear about drilling in the Arctic and fresh water shortages. It's unbelievable. I'm well off and an energon/gas hybrid, and I can barely afford these gas prices! But I'm no cynic. I have faith in humans. I really do. You're all good, just trying to make do."
Another gulp of energon. A sigh, but not one of frustration. His gaze seems to extend beyond the horizon, the hum of his inner circuitry providing a white noise to drown out an otherwise omnipresent silence.
On technology, Sir Prime has some very interesting opinions.
"I'm a Linux man," he states proudly. "The whole concept of open source is revolutionary, everything on Cybertron is open source. Security is maintained through advanced anti-virus and counter-intrusion programs. It really is the wave of the future. I really admire the guys who made it. They weren't out for money; they were out to make a system that could really better society. Open source is great because it can adapt to anything, which is why transformers use it. It can be adapted to any needs. I admit it; I'm a Linux guy. And did you know that Bill Gates collaborated with the Decepticons? I tell you, if people could just spend a few minutes working on Teletran One, Windows would die. Poof, dead. Not that that would be a huge change for Windows. My friend Spike who works at NYU loses his work all the time because of it. But at least XP improves on 98. 98 was worse than 95, but now I'm on a tangent."
"Bill Gates was involved with the Decepticons!" I exclaimed. The normal guy on the street would find this to be a crime worthy of harsh punishment. But strangely enough, Sir Prime does not care. He's already left it behind.
"It was minor," he states. We move on.
As the conversation moved forward the kindly Autobot was kind enough to relate to me a few details of his private life. People, Entertainment Weekly, and numerous tabloids have desperately tried to dig up dirt on the Autobot, but all have been foiled by the defenses of Teletran One. Sir Prime, it turns out, is a patron of the arts.
"I do have an affinity for classical music. Mainly Mozart and Braums. I have seen more movies than any human can fit into a lifetime, but I love the theatre. The only problem is that I have reserve space equivalent to that of forty people. It's very expensive and rather hard. But it's worth it. Macbeth, by far, is my favourite play. But I also like some of the popular stuff. Led Zeppelin has a great sound, and Jimi Hendrix has great originality. But the bands I like are the ones that really have a message. I like The Clash, The Sex Pistols, Rage Against the Machine, and U2. They're all good. But there are lots others, I could go on for a while, I am pleased to say my taste is very broad."
On why he chose Switzerland:
"I had to when I saw their mechanical skill. Their knives, their clocks, it's like no one else. They are the only place that can properly maintain me. All the greatest institutions on this planet have a presence here, it's peaceful, the culture is very vibrant and the scenery is just stunning."
His plans for the future:
"I'm so busy right now. My brokerage keeps me extremely busy, and if I could find the 72 hours I need to compile my memory banks, I would write my memoirs if I could set apart the time. But not only do I have my business, I have old friends to keep up with, and I help Spike (his closest human friend) through school. I help raise money for various charities and I travel the world. My memoirs won't be a summary of my whole life for a very long time."
The future indeed looks bright for Sir Optimus Prime.
User Reviews
Submitted by Philst82 (user info) at 2005-04-27 17:15:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I never saw it the first time. But this is a whole world of awesome.
Maybe a series, I've always wondered what Lion-o was up to.
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-04-27 16:47:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2005-04-27 16:32:03 (#)
Ranking: -2
Prime my shaft, optimus cock.
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Fuck, I hate that little fucker, but that was funny.
Normally I'd say that reposting a post from yesterday is tacky at best, but I'll give you a +2 to counter that shithead's -2.
Bad form, though.
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2005-04-27 16:32:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Prime my shaft, optimus cock.