With Very Few Exceptions, Food is Meant to be Eaten, not Applied (833 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.93 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ducky (View user info) at 2005-04-28 04:47:09 EDT
"I'm not feeling very well".
"That's no good. Coming down with the flu or something?'
"Maybe. I should grab some garlic. That should help make me feel better."
She scampers off into the kitchen and begins to look for garlic. I understand that garlic has healing properties, and is really good for you if taken/eaten on a regular basis, but I wasn't sure why she suddenly thought that eating some now would make her flu go away. After what feels like hours, she comes out of the kitchen, flops down on the couch, and resumes whichever story she had begun earlier.
I stare at her. She talks. I stare at her with a confused look on my face. She talks. Finally there's a break in the conversation, a moment of silence, and I have a chance to ask her why she's got a clove of garlic shoved up each nostril.
"Um, what are you doing?"
"Clearing my sinuses. It works great. Garlic has healing properties you know."
"Huh."
Only Athena, I swear to God. This woman has the strangest ideas surrounding food and the powers of applying it. Of course, she's also a raging hippie who charges stones under moonlight and smudges her house with sage every day to remove 'bad vibes'.
Another example of her food application arose a few months earlier, when she was complaining about having a (TERRIBLE WORD WARNING) yeast infection. She doesn't believe in non-herbal medication (patchouli hippie) so I told her that yogurt helps- something about enzymes or some other such nonsense. The next day I'm over for coffee and as I'm getting milk out of the fridge, I notice a tub of plain yogurt.
"Ugh, you like plain yogurt?"
"No."
"Why did you buy it then?" I cross my fingers. Think happy thoughts...happy thoughts. Maybe she mixes it with honey and nuts and granola. Isn't that what hippies do? Nope, no such luck.
" It's for the yeast infection. You didn't think I was going to put the flavored stuff down there did you???" she asks incredulously.
How silly of me. Obviously I'm the crazy one here. Obviously. You'd think I'd learn. You'd bloody well think.
My best friend just had her 24th birthday, and we put Athena in charge of bringing the cake. It was a great day, lots of food, drink, and conversation. As the end of the evening draws near I pull out the cake. It's chocolate mint with pink icing and gummy berries all over the top of it. I complement Athena on how beautifully decorated it is.
"Ya, I didn't have any red food coloring though, which kinda pissed me off".
"It doesn't look like it...it actually looks really good. How'd you get the icing pink?"
"I used beet juice. It'll taste fine." Apparently it's the most normal thing in the world. Everyone does it.
The woman used half of a can of beet juice on my best friends cake. Not normal. NOT NORMAL! Who the fuck would even think to do something weird like that? To top it off, the birthday girl is allergic to beets. So there we sat, choking down minty chocolate beet cake, and trying not to puke.
She drives me to chain-smoke I swear to God. Mmmm, smoking. I'd sell my mom to gypsies for a cigarette right now. If anyone has one, I'll trade ya for half a pack of skittles and some used chapstick! Or, if you are in fact a gypsy, I'll FedEx you my mom.
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-28 16:51:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I like to stick popcorn- popped- into the folds of my scrotum and then go to my female Doctor and ask her about the strange lumps in my nutsac.
We have a good laugh every time I do this.
Then, she blows me and we sell the video to some on-line porno site.
the end.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-28 16:37:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-04-28 13:57:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes munkey, plain yogurt, unless you want to go nuts and try WILDberry or something.
--------------------------
well that explains a lot of things. now if you'll excuse me...
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-04-28 14:08:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed, I cried, it moved me, Bob...
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-04-28 13:57:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes munkey, plain yogurt, unless you want to go nuts and try WILDberry or something.
Oh, and I'm sure this is old, but I can't stop
http://fun.drno.de/flash/BigRedButton.swf
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-28 12:23:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh shit. it's supposed to be unflavored yogurt?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-28 12:06:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why the hell would you entrust a birthday cake to a hippie? You're lucky she didn't use carob and gluten-free flour.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-04-28 11:03:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll have to keep my eye on you.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-04-28 09:35:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-04-28 07:16:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because Rad did.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-04-28 09:20:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm never eating yogurt again.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-04-28 09:05:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-04-28 07:17:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-28 06:40:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
Sometimes I like to imagine people wait for me to do the first review, so they can look at the rating I give and know how to rate accordingly.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Steady on there mate, else you'll need a torch rammed in your pee-hole in order to navigate out of your own arse.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-04-28 07:16:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because Rad did.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-04-28 06:55:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
such, er, vivid reviews...thanks everyone.
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-04-28 06:49:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Banna is nice, but come to think about it bannana and yoguhrt would be a good taste ,besides they like the feeeel of the bannana and away you go man just eat it out yummy.....On a side note ,i used to go with this girl that had bad thrush problems and a natural healer told her to use yoghurt ,the plain unflavoured one of course , it worked!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-28 06:40:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sometimes I like to imagine people wait for me to do the first review, so they can look at the rating I give and know how to rate accordingly.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-04-28 06:33:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Imagine porking a woman with a yogurt filled cunt. I'll have to try that.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-04-28 06:06:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I now have this image of a lady slathering DairyBelle on her gwat.
I don't know if I'm happy or sad about it either...
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-04-28 05:56:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hah... image of girl with garlic up her nostrils = funny
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-04-28 05:44:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha ha ha ha ha you pomies are so funny at times.
Submitted by DooZa (user info) at 2005-04-28 05:40:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The weak and nerdy are admired for their computer-programming abilities.
-- Homer Simpson
Bart vs. Australia
.. thars right foo dog
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-28 05:35:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She put the yoghurt on her cunt?
<uuunnnghhh>™
©rad1011 enterprises, Ltd.