Vance and Vince (700 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 2 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by icepigs (View user info) at 2005-04-28 12:44:20 EDT
Just because you're identical twins doesn't mean you're the same. My brother, Vance, was always just a little bit better than me. Vance was born at 11:53 PM and I was born at 12:08 AM, so his birthday was before mine. Vance started crawling and walking before me. He spoke his first words before me, too. When people talked about us, it was always "Vance and Vince" - his name was always first.
This trend continued all of our lives. We were both pitchers in Little League - he was the starter and I was the closer. In high school, we were both quarterbacks on the football team. He was the starter and I was his backup. He was the team MVP our senior year.
Even outside of sports, he was always edging me out. He was Homecoming King - I was first runner-up. He was Valedictorian and I settled for Salutatorian.
Vance accepted a full scholarship to play at Florida State. I decided to play for Oklahoma. As chance would have it, we met head to head for the National Championship in our senior year. The Seminoles beat us by a field goal. Vance graduated with a 4.0 GPA as an Academic All-American. I busted my ass and barely graduated with a 3.9.
After college, Vance married Sarah Longley, the latest model to grace the cover of Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. As she was actively modeling, Vance started a software developing company that created a standard platform for medical professionals. After he had sold his design to five different hospitals in the Florida area, EDS bought out his company for over fifteen million dollars. He was given a cushy executive position in the company with a corner office that he probably has never seen. Sarah quit modeling and gave Vance a son and a daughter.
My college girlfriend, Lisa, and I married shortly after we graduated. She tried to be an actress, but only landed bit parts in horror movies as a topless scream queen. Thanks to connections through OU, I was eventually given a position with a large software-developing firm in LA. The position was very demanding and kept me in the office for 15 hours a day. A highly publicized piece of code came due before my team was ready. Needless to say, the version that was delivered was full of bugs and our stock took a big drop. I was blamed for the loss and was fired. Lisa picked this time to announce that she was leaving me for the leading man in her current film, "Swamp Specimen".
And then I figured out how I was going to get ahead. Finally, I was going to be the Number 1 Twin. I would be the rich brother with the beautiful wife and perfect kids.
I flew to Miami and found my brothers palatial estate. I parked outside his gate and waited. I photographed him each time he came out. When I felt I had enough, I left.
My first stop was the barbershop. Armed with pictures of his current hairstyle, it was a simple procedure to ensure my hair mimicked his. I stopped at a men's clothier and bought a suit exactly like the one he was wearing.
It took me two days of watching and following him to finally get him alone. As he stepped into the driver's side of his brand new Hummer, I stepped into the passenger side.
"Vince? Is that you? Man, it's great to see you!" Vance pretended that he cared. He even acted shocked when I pulled out my handgun. Surprisingly, it didn't take much to pull the trigger.
I switched our wallets, dumped his body in the swamp and drove back into Miami. The scariest part of the plan was crashing the Hummer. It was painful, but I got out OK. I was a little miffed about having to set my beautiful car on fire.
When the ambulance arrived, I was laying on the ground.
Life is good now that I'm Vance. The doctors tell Sarah that the accident caused my memory lapse and mood swings. I think she's figuring it out. I may have to do away with her, too.
User Reviews
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-28 16:51:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Adjomak (user info) at 2005-04-28 16:15:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Disturbing. Then again, not surprising it's Uber.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-04-28 15:16:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2005-04-28 15:09:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Makes me wish I had a successful twin I could do away with......
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-04-28 15:00:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Love this.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-04-28 13:58:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wasn't vance or vince the main character in your vatic story?
you could have named them Ron Jeremy and Don Jeremy.
it was still good.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-04-28 13:12:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep.
I also think it could have been longer.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-28 13:09:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was just releived this wasnt about a couple of homo's. Vance nd Vince? sounds gay to me.
Submitted by sixxforty (user info) at 2005-04-28 13:09:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Josephine (user info) at 2005-04-28 13:07:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good, but predictable. Could have been longer.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-04-28 13:03:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Weren't Vance and Vince the replacement Duke Boys?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-28 12:55:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-04-28 12:48:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-04-28 12:47:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great. I wnated it to be longer though. Evil twin stories are cool.