Hipster Douchebags Can Press Their Thin, Malnourished Lips Against My Hard-Rocking Ass Cheek (1193 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.95 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by rollerboognish (View user info) at 2005-04-28 13:01:52 EDT
I don't know much, but I know what shit smells like. And this shit smells like shit. Lemme tell you what shit I'm talkin' about.
Hipsters. You heard me, you skinny vegan-ass pansy boy. Hipsters. Do I mean that hipsters themselves smell like shit? In some cases, yes. But more often than not, I mean it metaphorically. Take a look at a hipster, and smell him with your mind (what I like to call "the mind's eye of odors") and you will see, or smell, or aw fuck it all.
New train of thought. If you were to take the situation that I'm bitching about (hipsters being everywhere), distill it into a clear brown liquid in a laboratory, carefully waft the fumes toward your nostrils and take a healthy snort, I'm willing to bet that the resulting data chart would be speckled with vomit and would read "GAH FCUK THIS SMELLES LIKE SHITT!>>?!"
Sorry, my metaphors are all befuckered today. And I blame it on the hipsters. Perhaps a story would better illustrate what I'm talking about.
First, some background on me. I'm bad to the bone. I'm born to be wild. I'm hot-blooded (check it and see). Now you're messing with a son of a bitch, who also happens to be one bad mother- (*girl chorus: Shut yo' mouth!*) fucker. He's got big balls, and she's got big balls, but I've got the biggest balls of them all. Am I sexual? Yeaa-ahh.
Wait, how the fuck did that Backstreet shit get in there??!??!?
AAAAAHHHHHHimnotgayimnotgayimnotgayimnotgayimnotgayimnotgay!!!!!
*ahem* I mean, fuck you, I'm badass.
Anyway, I hauled my beefy ass down to the local hole in the wall to get tanked one fine Wednesday afternoon, only to find a herd of hipsters standing around outside and talking some incomprehensible shit about my bar. Only two of them were speaking, the other three were either typing to each other on their Apple laptops or communicating telepathically for all I could tell. I smelt a conspiracy, so I tape recorded their conversation and wrote it down here. Hell if I know what it means:
"Yeah, it's kitschy, you know, very kitschy, the motorcycles and the retrosexuals, and it all sort of reminds me of what American noise-pop is trying to do right now, except with less glam and more grunge, you know?"
"Yeah, I know exactly what you mean, it's like, beer is the new liquor, brick is the new suede, pool is the new billiards, old is the new new, and truck driver is the new magazine fashion correspondant?"
"Please, you're too much. You're the new me."
"Well don't let's stand here, time to kitsch and tell!"
"Please."
After this martian blather they started walking towards the door. "Oh, hell no," I said. "No way am I spending happy hour with a bunch of hipster-ass hipsters." Piss off, I was too angry for real adjectives. Aiming to intercept them, I drug my hefty physique in between them and my favorite booze swamp.
"Where you fine fellers off to this afternoon?"
"Don't look now, Molly Hatchet's road crew wants to make conversation." Sneering laughter from the hipster underlings.
"Excuse the fuck outta me?"
"Really, how urbane. Bless us with more of your poetry, Alfred Lard Tennyson." More soft and snide chuckling.
"Motherfucker, I don't know what you just said, but your Buddy Holly-looking ass is about to go the way of... fucking... Buddy Holly!" Damn those hipsters and their ability to think on their feet. I mean, that comeback totally schooled them.
"Please." He held his left arm out and snapped his fingers.
This is when it got weird. All five of the sniffing, sweater-clad hipsters opened their man-purses and pulled out an iPod. They struck dancing poses, holding the iPods at arm's length. "God damn," I thought. "So this is how I'll meet my end. They're gonna bore me to death with ambient techno." But I was wrong, so horribly wrong.
Shit. Did you know iPods could be used as weapons? Neither did I, man, neither did I. Do you have one? Go get it, just for a second. Okay, now try holding it by the earphones and swinging it around. Hmm. The cord came out and it flew against the wall? It's broken into thousands of pieces? Well, how about that. They must have had special editions.
Anyway, these hipsters were swinging their iPods around Ninja Turtle-style, little white cords whipping through the air, and before I could move, they were wrapped around my arms, legs, and neck. I knew I was doomed, but then I thought about it, and I realized that having cords wrapped around my individual limbs wasn't going to do anything to my mobility. The hipsters must have seen the look in my eyes when I figured that out, because they started shuffling away the stealth that only a lifetime of rejection can give you.
This is when it got awesome. I lifted both my arms and swung them in tight little circles which unwrapped the iPods and sent them flying straight at the heads of two of the hipsters. "Yipe!" was the sound that came out of their sissyneck throats. Heh heh. This stirred me to further violence.
I disappeared into the bar just long enough to return with a martini and a comb stolen from an unconscious elderly gentleman. Before the hipsters' eyes, I crushed an iPod with my meaty hands into a fine powder which I stirred delicately into the martini. Then I poured it down one hipster's throat while pinching his turned-up nose to keep his mouth open. He writhed, gagged, screamed "Yipe!" and fell to the ground. I took care of the fourth hipster by combing his unruly hair to reveal the greasy nerd coiffure it truly was. He ran away to the rhythmic sounds of "Yipe!"
Alone now with the hipster king, I stared him down. He squinted his eyes and sniffed condescendingly. I flexed my neck muscles and snapped the iPod's cord. "Hoo-ahh, motherfucker!"
He turned and ran, only to fall flat on his face after three steps. I'll be damned if I can't learn to use a trendy-ass weapon better than some underfed tea-drinking hipster. I wrapped the last iPod cord around both of his legs before the fucker had time to find out that garage rock was out of style. According to the newspaper a couple days later, his last official statement was "Yipe!"
You see, that's the kind of shit I'm talking about. I finally sat down at the bar half an hour later than usual, and I was still mildly conscious by dinner time. Damn shame.
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Author's note: The preceding message is the latest piece of evidence in my ongoing research on the effects of hard rock music on the human mind. You have doubtless noted the impairment of human emotions, the violent tendencies, and in a few instances, loss of coherent thought. The evidence is becoming more compelling by the day, my esteemed colleagues: Hard rock kills brain cells and leads to criminal behavior.
*THUD*
Yipe!
User Reviews
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-09-02 19:43:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just figured out what I'm 'onna do with the rest of my days.
I'm 'onna get me an oversized guitar, gain forty pounds and be the next D.
Well I got sour news for you, jack. It ain't that easy.
For instance, are you willing to make the commitment to wakin' up
at the crack a' noon, for deep-knee rock squats!?
Seven or eight at a time!? In a row?
How 'bout are you willing to make the commitment
to rock-hard tasty abs washer-board style?
Glistening in the sun. How 'bout are you willin' to make the commitment,
To bashing Ipod wielding hipster fucks?!?!
Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2006-09-02 19:41:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"So this is how I'll meet my end. They're gonna bore me to death with ambient techno"
Isn't that what Jesus said on Golgotha?
=====================================================
+2 for that.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-09-02 19:03:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i had an ex who started fucking one of them. i never knew what to call it so i called it:
"Starbucks drinking, toy-poodle-walking, Volkswagen Golf-driving, I'm-Better-Than-You-thinking, Independent film-watching, pseudo-intellectual eye-glass-wearing artsy asshole
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-05-01 22:49:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"So this is how I'll meet my end. They're gonna bore me to death with ambient techno"
Isn't that what Jesus said on Golgotha?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-04-29 00:37:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are welcome.
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-04-29 00:11:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn it, I hate being the last one to review my own post. Somebody else rate this.
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-04-28 20:02:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The only thing worth reading on Uber today? Thanks, but you must have missed this one: http://www.ubersite.com/m/65243
Oh, and the part about me being bad to the bone isn't exactly true. I'm actually bad to the boner, which technically isn't a bone at all.
Submitted by Freakmagnet (user info) at 2005-04-28 19:09:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AWESOME!
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-04-28 18:33:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for the only thing worth reading on Uber today.
I gotta say though, I hope you really were tape recording their conversations, because that dialogue is just a leeeeeeeettle bit too "on" to be made up by a guy claiming to be as bad to the bone as you are.
Submitted by NYCRulz (user info) at 2005-04-28 18:27:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome story, reminds me of something id do. Theres too many of those bastards hanging around Wall St. All they do is stand around and criticize everyone else, meanwhile not aware of their faults as hypocritical, arrogant girlie men. Fuck hipsters.
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2005-04-28 18:25:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2005-04-28 18:02:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 just for the title alone.....loved it! I think I will have to try your
tactics at my home swill-house......
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-04-28 17:42:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-04-28 16:08:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-04-28 15:24:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
indoninja - http://www.hipsterhandbook.com
Kre8trix- **This message brought to you by the "My ex-girlfriend fucked a hipster in my bed, so they can all fuck off" foundation.** That sucks. Did the hipster scoff at your choice of bed linens? Probably.
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Yeah, those people need a beating. They looked remarkably similiar to Emo. Who coincidentally also need a beating.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
HA!
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-04-28 16:13:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
HA
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-04-28 16:08:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-04-28 15:24:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
indoninja - http://www.hipsterhandbook.com
Kre8trix- **This message brought to you by the "My ex-girlfriend fucked a hipster in my bed, so they can all fuck off" foundation.** That sucks. Did the hipster scoff at your choice of bed linens? Probably.
--------------------------
Yeah, those people need a beating. They looked remarkably similiar to Emo. Who coincidentally also need a beating.
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-04-28 15:24:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
indoninja - http://www.hipsterhandbook.com
Kre8trix- **This message brought to you by the "My ex-girlfriend fucked a hipster in my bed, so they can all fuck off" foundation.** That sucks. Did the hipster scoff at your choice of bed linens? Probably.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-04-28 15:12:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was pretty funny, but i still have no fucking clue what hipsters are.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-04-28 14:40:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, Hipsters are really aliens. You didn't know that? Well swell, now you've kicked some alien ass and as soon as they get back to their home planet, they're going to send an invasion force. You've fucked us all!
hahahahaha--loved it!
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2005-04-28 14:28:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is great. I'm a hipster-sympathizer, and yet, this is undeinably AWESOME.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-04-28 14:26:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck em.
go listen to tool.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-28 14:18:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Excuse the fuck outta me?"
ooooh I like that. I am stealing that line from you.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-04-28 14:04:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
genius
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2005-04-28 14:03:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK THE HIPPIES
GO BULLS AND ROCK N ROLL WOO!!!
(sMASHES CHURCH)
Submitted by checkyourmail (user info) at 2005-04-28 13:46:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by m0ke34 (user info) at 2005-04-28 13:30:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hipsters really do irk me
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-04-28 13:29:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As a human being you have serious potential.
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2005-04-28 13:17:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You live in Austin, don't you?
That place is like a mitosis breeding ground for those fuckers.
**This message brought to you by the "My ex-girlfriend fucked a hipster in my bed, so they can all fuck off" foundation.**
Donations are apreciated.
MEFAHIMBSTCAFO proudly accepts paypal.
No I'm not bitter, why do you ask?
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-04-28 13:17:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And here you go.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-04-28 13:11:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-04-28 13:11:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's actually pretty funny.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-28 13:06:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
THE STREETS WILL FLOW WITH THE BLOOD OF THE NON BELIEVERS