Not Today, Buddy. Not Today. (1109 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: ETS_Short_Stories
Rating: 1.84 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (View user info) at 2005-04-28 16:51:02 EDT
Ok, I can see it's going to be another day in the numbness cocoon. Every morning I get up and set my body to auto pilot and rely on it to carry me to work while the rest of me sleeps and dreams of a place far away from here. I suppose it's not so much that it's something that happens TO me as it is something that I willingly allow myself to slouch into. I guess I feel like maybe if I suffer enough, it will somehow make it all more real - that God will grant his mercy and smile his light-bearing smile upon me, and that the demons of chance will not put a magnifying glass in its path.
"How are YOU this morning!?" calls a shrill, overbearing voice as I step onto the elevator.
That's Eileen. She's the 'oh-look-I'm-so-fucking-happy-even-though-it's-Monday-and-you're-a-lonely-bastard' type. You know the type - the ones with so much fucking sunshine on their shoulder the straps of their shirts and bras are burned in two, exposing their breast for the whole office to see, leaving them helplessly naked and ashamed as they scamper off to collect their dignity in the ladies' room. I wish.
"Good morning, Eileen. Another beautiful, God-given morning at the grindstone." My tone is dripping with so much sarcasm the elevator floor is smoking as awkward silence follows - smothering the elevator's occupants in its glorious putrescence.
The elevator ceilings are a mirror, and I always look up at them, I guess cause it gives me a bit different perspective on a typically cumbersome social situation. This is the way a pigeon must see us right before it swoops down and shits on our heads... There's something on your shirt Eileen.
*Ding
The elevator opens and people swarm outward in all directions like hornets from a hive - all with so much purpose and resolve - toward the temporary respite of booting computers and stirring coffee, shuffling papers and adjusting headsets. These are the true 21st century warriors of morning. They are the centurions of the technical age - fighting back their problematic foes with ferociousness and fury...and dubious guesswork.
This is technical support. This is where my like-minded comrades and I come to affront the ever-encroaching poverty that nips at our heels in the form of stacks of bills - car, rent, internet access, electricity, phone, television... This is where inward apathy meets outward responsibility. This is where the remnants of a youth wasted on smoking weed and playing video games comes to fester and die - growing fat and old and complacent while it slowly deflates like a leaky balloon.
With all the power we can muster, we suffer the barbs of a thousand foolish questions in our quest for the end of the technological rainbow - the place where all machines basically run themselves, and we don't have to do shit but standby in case the machines become self-aware. If only the people we support would become self-aware...
Settling into my cubicle, starting the necessary software, I can't help but notice that guy is on the fucking phone again! That upper-management son of a bitch in the corner office behind me with his loud-mouth, jolly-fucking business bellow that eats through my brain like a mind-maggot of death is on the GODDAMN PHONE AGAIN! The fucker always leaves his door open. WIDE OPEN! His voice, amplified by the natural resonance of his office space, is projected out the door like dissonant notes out of the sound-hole of an out-of-tune Gibson Hummingbird acoustic in the hands of a 3-year-old child.
Who does he think he is? Does he not know that none of us out here in worker bee land want to hear that shit? None of us are interested in what the numbers look like this quarter. None of us care that the front page of that website needs a little more color. And, I'm sure no one gives a FUCK to hear how you want to sponsor the city's Philharmonic Orchestra performance so you can plug your new development service during intermission. Fuck you, fuck your advertising, and FUCK YOUR LOUD, INCONSIDERATE MOUTH!
In a moment of monastic clarity, I hear the sound track in my head; it's the sound of a cathedral echoing with solemn, monophonic chants. In an instant of peaceful wrath, I get out of my seat, saunter over to the fat-ass's office door, and slam it shut.
The bombastic ripple of sound tears through every cubicle and through every creature of habit residing within them, and for an instant they all turn to look at me.
I swear that in the ensuing silence, I see a speechless 'thank you' on every face.
Now, where's my coffee?
User Reviews
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-09-02 01:30:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
recalc
Submitted by JHoersten2 (user info) at 2005-08-28 17:56:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
gay
Submitted by Drone_of_Industry (user info) at 2005-05-18 13:56:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hehe
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2005-04-30 16:14:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
rad
Submitted by DyingBreed (user info) at 2005-04-30 15:43:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"With all the power we can muster, we suffer the barbs of a thousand foolish questions in our quest for the end of the technological rainbow - the place where all machines basically run themselves, and we don't have to do shit but standby in case the machines become self-aware. If only the people we support would become self-aware..."
lol, LOVE it
and i did something similiar at work friday infact. the QC manager tried to talk condescendingly to me and failed when i returned his attempt ten-fold and "closed" his office door. it was fun feeding off him trying to kiss my ass the rest of the day.
how come i can only perfect a quick-witted state of mind only in confrontation? i wish i could grasp it moment by moment like i used to :(
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-04-29 09:06:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-04-29 07:58:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
There's an evil monkey in my closet!
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It's tough to get much more in my closet...what with all the skeletons...oh, and me.
Submitted by CJRipley (user info) at 2005-04-29 09:02:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-04-29 08:17:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-04-29 07:58:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There's an evil monkey in my closet!
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-04-29 05:35:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-04-29 05:19:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminded me of that old George Carlin bit about cell phones...
"if they were invisible, these people wouldn't have them. They just
want you to SEE them on the phone, so you know: HE's a BUSY guy!"
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2005-04-28 22:42:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2005-04-28 22:21:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2005-04-28 17:07:53 (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice. Ended too soon though......
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and some would say it is too long. The correct or "right" length of a story around here is tricky at best. I liked the out of tune guitar simili. Well done.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-04-28 21:21:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Show up occasionally wearing hunter's orange and stalking about suspiciously. They'll get the message.
Submitted by PeanutButterJellyTime (user info) at 2005-04-28 21:08:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
THE PICTURE ALONE IS A +2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-04-28 21:01:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's right! You better bow down if you know what's good for ya - otherwise, I might have to just throw you through the plexiglass window out of my leather 'laughing-for-no-reason' chair room, overlooking the 13 cent per acre Montana wilderness below I bought from the government, where I've build my compound with the use of local mindless folk by hollowing out a network of caves in the side of a cliff to act as our impenetrable fortress...
..oh, yea. Be afraid. Be VERY afraid!
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-04-28 20:55:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh no, sah. I don wan do no battlin' with the massa.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-04-28 20:49:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-04-28 20:43:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
Just for you silvr...
A Different Kind of Molitov Cocktail
- Get a coke bottle & fill it with gasoline about half full
- Cram a piece of cloth into the neck of it nice and tight
- Get a chlorine tablet and stuff it in there. You are going to have to force it because the tablets are bigger than the opening of the bottle.
- Now find a suitable victim and wing it in their direction. When it hits the pavement or any surface hard enough to break it, and the chlorine and gasoline mix..... BOOM!!!!!!
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Anarchist Cookbook - I believe it's the 2000 revision. Haven't tried that one yet. Although, the thermite recipe works nicely, it's just a bitch getting it ignited initially.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-04-28 20:47:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you got sumthin' to say, bitch!? Bring it, foo!
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-04-28 20:46:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know I was kidding with the "emo faggot bullshit" stuff, right?
We all know you're not emo. <BA-dum BUM>
Feel free to cuss me out on MSN, man.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-04-28 20:45:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Munkey: Envisioning people in their underwear might create an undesired effect for the work environment, I am scared of clowns, and if I'm going to sing falsetto, it's going to be either "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" by Tiny Tim, or "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" by The Darkness.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-04-28 20:43:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Just for you silvr...
A Different Kind of Molitov Cocktail
- Get a coke bottle & fill it with gasoline about half full
- Cram a piece of cloth into the neck of it nice and tight
- Get a chlorine tablet and stuff it in there. You are going to have to force it because the tablets are bigger than the opening of the bottle.
- Now find a suitable victim and wing it in their direction. When it hits the pavement or any surface hard enough to break it, and the chlorine and gasoline mix..... BOOM!!!!!!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-28 20:36:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ETS - hurry! think happy thoughts! personally I think of drugs, alcohol, and sex.
that always brightens my mood.
or sing a silly song in falsetto in your head. like " i feel pretty. oh so pretty!"
OR
OR
every time someone passes oyu in the hall picture them in their underwear.
or in a clown suit.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-04-28 20:32:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
blah blah emo faggot blah blah bullshit :P
evil monkey +2
Have you thought of trying Molotov cocktails? Nothing lights up a workplace rivalry like Molotov cocktails. Taste the disgruntled wrath!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-04-28 20:28:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
and people who use cell phones at work! they ALWAYS make my speakers make that fucking, god-forsaken noise!
I want to rip this one bitch's head off for that shit every fucking day! I'm like, "USE THE GODDAMN COMPANY PHONE! DIAL WITH YOUR COMPUTER THROUGH THE SYSTEM, BITCH!"
Ok, now I'm all worked up again... Thanks, munkeypants! Thank a hell of a fucking lot...
BITCH!
:P
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-28 20:18:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you know what irks me?
when people listen to their vioce mails on speaker phone.
why must you do that, dipshit?? I dont wanna hear your wife
tell you to pick up the kids after work. psssh.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-04-28 19:53:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-04-28 18:28:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm tempted to make a remark using that godforsaken "somebody's... case of the..." line but I'd have to lynch myself for that.
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Now, there's a man who knows what's good for him! :P
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-04-28 19:22:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
money
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-04-28 18:28:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm tempted to make a remark using that godforsaken "somebody's... case of the..." line but I'd have to lynch myself for that.
Godspeed, young corporate warrior.
Banga
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-04-28 18:19:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautifully detailed.
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2005-04-28 17:20:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I am glad someone else feels the same way I do every morning....
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2005-04-28 17:07:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice. Ended too soon though......
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-04-28 16:59:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"You know the type - the ones with so much fucking sunshine on their shoulder the straps of their shirts and bras are burned in two, exposing their breast for the whole office to see,"
Everyone hates those people. But seem to secretly lust for them as well... I guess if they're going to get embarrased, might as well get a good peek, eh?