Tish & Emma. Part 1 - Tish (1050 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 2 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Crystle (View user info) at 2005-04-28 19:43:03 EDT
The phone line went dead. Tish stood motionless, receiver in hand, her face draining of all color. How could this happen? Her baby... She abruptly sat, not even noticing when her knees hit the table that her chair was halfway under. Her surroundings seemed to be burning into her retinas, but she wasn't aware of them. Weak sunlight filtered through the vertical blinds over the kitchen sink, glancing off the wilting potted daisy before disappearing into the gloom that suddenly seemed to shroud the house in eternal dusk.
She was going to have a baby. There was no emotion. Just numbness. A baby. No other thought. How...why...Questions to hard and painful to even think. Finally, Tish moved again. Her head went down into her arms as her frame shook with the first violent sob. The numbness slowly receded leaving a searing pain burning in the back of her eyes. Slowly, after what seemed hours, Tish raised her head, rubbed her swollen eyes, and stood up. She straightened slowly, moving like an old arthritic woman.
Tish had met Sam about a month earlier, at a party of a friend. He had followed her, somewhat to her chagrin, from room to room, almost begging for scraps of her attention. Finally she gave in to the pressure her friends were putting on her, and talked to him. He was witty, and oddly charming, in a self-deprecating way. She was on edge, not used to talking to strangers. Tish didn't get out much, and even less often did she actually meet new people.
After Sam's initial abruptness, he seemed to settle down and turned out to be a somewhat articulate man. Tish visibly relaxed. They chatted for a few minutes, and then Sam asked if she'd like to take a walk with him. It was a quiet neighborhood, and not very late, so Tish agreed. The smell of jasmine floated through the warm spring air, and Tish felt a little bit of her soul starting to fly free in the night. Sam took her hand. Although the contact startled her, she went with it. As they rounded the corner that led them back to the house, Sam stopped tilted Tish's chin up, and softly kissed her.
A week later, Tish's whole life had changed. Sam had somehow managed to touch almost every aspect of her existence. He picked her up from work and drove her to his house for the evening. He called her first thing in the morning, he said it was to hear her smile. He dropped by the day care center unexpectedly every few days to kiss her in the parking lot. She wasn't quite sure what to make of it all. She'd never had a boyfriend before, and found his attentions very flattering. He allowed her to think of herself as somehow beautiful and desirable, things she had never felt before. She felt caught in a whirlwind that was spinning out of control, but she somehow liked the feeling.
Tish met all Sam's friends, and his parents, and somehow he even met hers, although she wasn't quite sure how or why. Tish wasn't on very open or close terms with her parents. She was still struggling for independence and freedom from them.
Sam seemed to intuitively know that Tish was a little scared of the world. He worked at making himself her protection. The barrier that kept all the scary things out. He also became her portal into worlds she hadn't known about.
The struggle with her parents was because they had sheltered her inordinately. She had attended a very small private girls school, not one of the upscale blue-blood schools, but one more closely resembling a nunnery for non-catholic girls. The curriculum mainly consisted of repression and a thorough grounding in archaic morals, including a woman's proper place as a piece of property for the man her father would choose for her. Her home was not really any different. No exposure to the "outside world" except for occasional shopping trips with her mother. No television or radio - they were considered "tools of the devil" and shallow playthings that would seduce the mind unaware into evil.
After graduation, Tish had taken a job at the day care center. While a women wasn't complete until she was married, she wasn't allowed to be idle, and with graduation had come the burden of paying rent to her parents until her father finally found a man to foist her off onto. As Tish had several sisters, she had to wait her turn. To get to her job, Tish was given a small loan from her parents to buy an old small car. It wasn't trustworthy enough for long trips, or speeds in excess of 30 mph, but it did get her places.
The most important part of the car for Tish was the radio, a window into a world glimpsed but never really seen. She thrilled at being able to hear things that were outside the eyes and ears of her parents. She also enjoyed the interaction at the day care center with women who knew things she didn't and who didn't mind helping her learn. After working at the center for a few months, Tish realized that she had to get away from the iron rule of her parents, or her soul would suffocate. She arranged to rent a room from one of her coworkers.
As a result of growing up so sheltered, not only had Tish never had a boyfriend, but was completely naive and unaware sexually. She had never been kissed before Sam kissed her that magical night under the stars, and she felt like she was on the precipice of a world she never could have dreamed existed. She was scared, but excited, and Sam had been so gentle with her that she trusted him implicitly.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-25 15:34:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-09-25 15:16:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done...
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-07-05 20:00:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i hated this.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-07-07 21:59:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're my hero, SunGoddess.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-05-13 17:11:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How'd I miss this one?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-04-29 17:01:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Awesome... Thanks for the input Smurfs! You're right, the sentance does flow better that way. I was actually going for a bit of a choppy feel, but you might be right that it is distracting from the point. (and I don't really care about the rating...I'd rather it was honest than a 2 because of a streak....not that I want any -2DIE's or anything)
(thanks you too, Peon... we'll just imagine that the overflow of boobage from your post lands in mine, mmmKay? Is that alright?)
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-29 16:06:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll give you some constructive critisism...
Needs more boobs!
What? I get told that all the time.
This story is cool even though it's booby-less
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2005-04-29 15:57:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't really think it's deserving of a +2, but I didn't want to ruin your streak. It's too bland and jumps about too much, as I finished one paragraph I was somewhere else with no clue how I had gotten there.
Also, you may not want to work with short sentences, they are tricky because they have implicit pauses that don't read well unless they are worked into the piece.
For example:
"She was going to have a baby. There was no emotion. Just numbness. A baby. No other thought. How...why...Questions to hard and painful to even think."
Read those sentences stopping after each one. They don't flow to get the frantic feel I think you were going for, they make her seem like she's retarded. Plus, numbness is an emotion in the sense it is being used here. And you introduce three thoughts: the baby, how?, why?
'She was going to have a baby. The thought usurped her mind, draining her emotions, leaving only a vague feeling of numbness.'
^^This sentence condenses the same idea and places the focus on the single thought you want to place at the foremost of her mind, the baby.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-04-29 14:16:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is great- well done
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-04-29 14:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for the reviews..
I'm a bit worried that there is no constructive criticism here, but I do totally appreciate the compliments!
Jack... wow, man..You've never been a Sam, huh? Well, we'll see how he turns out.
And from someone who writes like you do, I'm taking that review as a critical success... Alert the NY Times!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-04-29 12:25:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep going. This is well-written, and there are no annoying typos or misuses of grammar that are so prevalent on uber.
Sometimes I regret the fact that I was never the Sam.
Sometimes I wonder if that is good or bad.
Sometimes I stick pins in myself.
Running the same old test.
Dream, or reality?
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-04-29 10:55:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is really well written and I can relate to it since I've been both a "tool of the devil" and a "shallow plaything".
Submitted by Smoothe (user info) at 2005-04-29 10:16:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good work
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-04-29 07:25:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll be interested to see where you take this. Marvellous stuff.
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-04-29 04:05:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best story, well done.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-04-29 03:44:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
VERY good. I really enjoyed this, probably because I think I can relate to Tish in a few ways, but also because it was so crisp and clean. Very nice.
I would definitely be interested in reading the follow-up stories. Keep 'em coming.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-04-29 01:43:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Theceas -
It is kind of a harsh break, I know. I broke it there because it was the first best place, if that makes sense, and it was turning out a whole lot longer than I expected.
Also - Thanks Ballare ...it's in the works (maybe)
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2005-04-29 00:43:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gorgeous!
Keep writing, I want to read the next one...
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-04-29 00:34:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice...think you should have written a little more for this part though. It felt like it wasn't the best place to break it up.
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2005-04-28 22:00:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very well written. You have a good vocabulary.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-04-28 21:54:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-04-28 20:24:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How did this only get 1 review?
+2 DIE!
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-04-28 19:45:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another story I'm not in.... +2 anyway.