How To: Circumcise yourself with a toilet seat (3646 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.17 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by How To (View user info) at 2005-04-28 19:55:11 EDT
The following is a How To guide, and is to be used for educational purposes only. In this case, it could also be used as an informative explanation as to how somebody would go about circumcising and/or over-circumcising themselves while taking a dump.
1. Wait until you need to take a shit. For the amount of blood and screaming involved, your own home is probably the ideal place to do this.
2. Sit on the toilet seat and get aroused thinking about naked pictures of Macaulay Culkin or whatever floats your boat you sick fuck.
3. Be careful not to get too erect, you need a semi-hard on for this. If you get too hard, either wait for it to go down or manually pinch the blood out of the head with your thumb and index finger. If you do this right, the blood should make its way back into the body's stream. If you do this wrong, the blood will spurt out your peehole all over the bathroom floor.
4. Lean back and put all your weight on your asscheeks. Use one hand to force the front of the toilet seat upwards, and the other to insert your penis between the ceramic bowl and the seat. If you just want circumcision, make sure only your foreskin is resting on the bowl rim. If you want over-circumcision, position your cock accordingly.
5. Quickly push all your weight to your thighs and punch the toilet seat at the same time. It should have guillotined whatever portion of dick you designated to rest on the rim. Sometimes one chop isn't enough, because the quality of the plastic varies from seat to seat. If this happens, clench your teeth and repeatedly bring the seat down onto the cock until the tip severs and slips into the bowl or floor.
6. If you over-circumcised, grab a cigarette lighter and cauterize the shortened cock. Once the melted flesh cools, grab a thin knitting needle or a thick sewing needle and puncture a hole in the end so you can still piss without your dick looking like a water balloon. If you wish to keep the tip, you might want to cauterize it as well. Otherwise just flush the tip and/or foreskin down the can.
7. Do your best to clean up the blood from the walls, floor, seat, bathroom mirror and the ceiling with toilet paper.
8. Now you can do what you came to the bathroom to do: a shit.
User Reviews
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-05-02 14:44:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
By "knock your teeth down your throat" I'm pretty sure Smeggy means "fondle your pre-pubescent child". He can't fight much, between the HIV and the schorossis, his liver is almost shot... and soon he'll be dead! Aparrently his tough guy fantasies keep him going, so humor him.
Yay!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-05-02 14:26:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
AUGH!
Truly sick.
Submitted by howto (user info) at 2005-04-30 19:35:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Try a soldering iron instead.
Submitted by pushedbyboredom (user info) at 2005-04-30 15:40:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Okay, I got everything down to the cigarette lighter. I'm bleeding profusely and need a quick response. Skin is not melting right. Lightheaded. Dick on fire. Still gotta shit...
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2005-04-29 19:36:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude you are one twisted MoFO...
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-29 19:23:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Interesting. And I think you were had received perfect +2's from Shlongy.
Until now, assface.
Submitted by howto (user info) at 2005-04-29 18:54:28 (#)
Ranking: -2
What is raping a child?
Correct.
I'll take "Shlongy the internet pedophile" for $1000.
Fucking retard.
I'll give you "pedophile"...right after I knock your teeth down your throat.
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-04-29 11:54:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good to know.
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2005-04-29 11:48:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This really did make me laugh - I was just thinking how easy this would actually be to do.
But, ladies, worry not - I have no intention of doing it. Mere hypothetical theorising.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-29 05:44:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pictures!!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/61506
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-04-29 05:40:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You usually suck or rule
This one was sort of okay
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-04-29 01:33:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My penis twinged.
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2005-04-29 01:06:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A+ Works well with others.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-04-28 23:09:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
alters dont get no better than this!
Submitted by Bayley (user info) at 2005-04-28 22:59:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
soooo twisted!
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2005-04-28 22:34:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're one alter I don't hate.
Submitted by chronic_one (user info) at 2005-04-28 22:08:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Stop breathing. Just, stop breathing.
GAH!
Submitted by purringbubbles (user info) at 2005-04-28 21:46:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Boy, and it's a shame I have no penis.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-04-28 21:45:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love these.
Submitted by UrbaneMischief (user info) at 2005-04-28 21:31:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow
just... wow
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2005-04-28 21:24:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I tried this and ended up cutting off a chunk of my colonel, I'd kill myself immediately. Because, honestly, there is no point in living without a cock, or a partial and useless cock.
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2005-04-28 20:50:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for #6 and the fact that it would be impossible to be both sane and concoct a post such as this.
Submitted by Stupidname36 (user info) at 2005-04-28 20:37:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
who knew one could laugh so hard?
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2005-04-28 20:25:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yee-ouch
Doing this looks like it may just knock the wind right out of ya.
Better have a spotter.
Submitted by howto (user info) at 2005-04-28 20:08:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://ircimages.com/image-100433
here is a picture
Submitted by Wyellbee (user info) at 2005-04-28 20:07:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for the material.
-3 becuase of the sadistically disturbing images it placed inside my fragile little mind.
+4 for no picture.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-04-28 20:00:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
At least there were no pictures
Submitted by Freakmagnet (user info) at 2005-04-28 19:58:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't rate this positively because I nearly puked.