Karaoke Adventures – Hot Blondes and Assless Chaps (1574 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.67 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Professional Peon <prof_peon.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-04-29 09:51:25 EDT
I approached the stage with much hesitation. Thoughts swirled in my head. The anxious voice in my mind was screaming for me too run.
Run Away!
Run away quickly.
I did my best to quiet the noise of my inner thoughts. I attempted to muster up courage from deep within. I've sang before, but never this song. I've ran from this song, avoiding it at all costs. I can't even listen to it on the radio without getting all misty eyed.
I thought I was strong enough. "It's been five years" I told myself. "You can move on." It's just a song, nothing more. Still, all the mental reassurance was not really, well, reassuring. Maybe if I loosen up it won't seem so bad. I have a beer, then another, then another.
My footsteps sounded like thunder as I approached the DJ to hand in my slip. Oh wait, no that's my heart pounding. A little angel appeared on my left shoulder through a tiny *poof* of white smoke. I looked over at the angel and "AAaaahh what the fuck?"
The angel frowned at me for using foul language. She shook her finger in a *tsk tsk* motion and informed me that she was my conscience. I told her that it was looking at my face that had frightened me and not the fact that a mini-me appeared on my shoulder. Damn that is not my good side I thought as I asked her if she could alter her appearance. She *poofed* again and I was face to face with a winged, white leather wearing Angelina Jolie.
Angelina: Stop drooling
Me: ......................
Angelina: Stop drooling
Me: Wha? Sorry, but I can see your nipples.
Angelina: Anyway, what's the problem here?
Me: I'm <whispers> afraid
Angelina: Of what? Since when have you ever been scared of anything? Am I on the wrong shoulder?
Me: I've been afraid of many things.
Angelina: Like what?
Me: Uh, ghosts scare me.
Angelina: No they don't.
Me: Taxes are scary.
Angelina: Hmmm......
Me: Remember that one time when I woke up after having hot lesbo sex with Jeanneee when she tried to kill me with the dildo that turned into a poisonous snake?... that was scary.
Angelina: That was a dream dumbass.
Me: Well... it was still scary. Gangbangs are sca.....
Angelina: Stop LYING!!
Me: Oh, I was just making sure you were paying attention.
Angelina: Just give the DJ the slip and do a couple shots first.
Me: Okay
Suddenly another *poof* appeared over my right shoulder. The crimson smoke cleared and there in full leather boots... with lifts and heels, a pair of assless chaps and a nipple chain stood Andy Dick.
Andy: Sup bitches!
Bitches: Ugh........
I turn to Angelina and I ask her why Andy Dick appeared on my shoulder.
Angelina: That's what you look like on the inside.
Me: What? How do I in any way resemble Andy? I am a girl hello.
Angelina: Yes, but you have a dominating personality, you are an annoying attention whore and everyone knows your gay, hence Andy Dick.
Me: I'm not gay!
Angelina: It still counts if you forget their name.
Me: *mumbles* Dammit.
Andy whips me for not paying attention to him.
Me: OUCH!
Andy: What are we singing tonight?
Me: This <shows Andy slip>
Andy: What the FUCK! We are not singing that song it makes people want to kill themselves. Sing something that the bitches can dance too!
Me: But there are no girls here that I would like to see dance. The only lesbians here are older then my mom and they have like three teeth between the two of them.
Andy: eww...
Me: I want to sing this song. <shakes slip>
Andy: I wanna hear Vogue! <starts vogue-ing>
Angelina: You always want her to do vogue, let her sing this song it's nice, and you know how much it means to her.
Andy: Talk to the hand <throws up hand> OHHHhh sing Michael Jackson! <sings off key> THE WAY YOU MAAAAAKE MEEE FEEEEL! REEEALLY TURN ME OOOOON! HE-HE OW!
At that point Andy began moonwalking on my shoulder. He grabs his crotch to emphasize the "OW!" and Angelina threw up.
Me: If you don't stop singing I am going to sing Nothing Compares To You.
Andy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO<falls to his knees>OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Angelina: You know the last time you sang that he had hives for a week.
I laugh as I turn in my slip and head back to my table. I wondered if I could take the two of them in a drinking contest. I settle into my chair and introduce my friends to Angelina and Andy. My friends quickly excuse themselves to the bar so I can finish my 'conversation' in private. My friends are cool like that.
I do a couple more shots while and cringe every time a song ends. Angelina points out that if I don't begin breathing regularly I will hyperventilate and pass out. I calm down just long enough for Marie to take the stage. Marie has a very unique voice. I have never heard someone's singing voice so closely resemble the sound a cat makes when being spun around by its tail. Yeah, she's that good.
She starts wailing and Andy begs me to put her out of her misery by giving her the sweet release of death.
I laughed so hard Andy slipped off my shoulder. He landed headfirst in a shot of Yeager. Then the DJ speaks the words I fear. "Up next we welcome Jugsy Needsabeer to the stage to do 'You'll Be In My Heart.' I froze. The waitress had to over and drag me up to the microphone.
Andy finally pulls his head out of the now empty shot glass and berates me for singing the song from the Disney film 'Tarzan.' He informs me that the song is "Even gayer then me."
Thank you for the vote of confidence.
I stand in front of the mic like a deer in headlights. So many thoughts were running rampant through my head. I tap the mic to ensure that it's on. The music starts and the words appear on the screen.
-Come stop your crying
-It will be all right
-Just take my hand
-Hold it tight
Angelina flies over to my other shoulder to pick up Andy. She wants to enjoy the show without stealing my spotlight so the two camp on the mic stand.
-I will protect you
-from all around you
-I will be here
-Don't you cry
Angelina looks as if she's on the verge of tears. I remember thinking how weird it was seeing my conscience cry, but then I thought, she probably cries all the time. Andy's starts imitating Angelina and she scowls at him.
-For one so small,
-you seem so strong
-My arms will hold you
-keep you safe and warm
-This bond between us
-can't be broken
Angelina knows how I think of my son, and that no matter how 'gay' the song might be it will always be one of my favorites. Andy shows little respect and starts screaming across the bar for a drink. Angelina smacks him off of the mic stand and into my beer. I then realize how much beer stings when it gets in your eyes.
The pain forces me to stop singing as I'm wiping my eyes profusely. The patrons turn to me in awe as I've never cut off in the middle of a song. Angelina flies down and attempts to scoop Andy out of my beer.
She is too late as a hot blonde runs over with a tissue and starts trying to console me with "poor thing" and "its okay honey." She grabs my beer and tells me "you don't need anymore of that" as she downs my beer.. and Andy. I watch in horror, in her partially drunken state she mistakes my look of shock for the biggest puppy dog eyes she had ever seen. She takes my arm in hers and offers to take me back to her place to 'comfort' me.
As we head for the door I hear Angelina mutter something about "I can't take you two anywhere" and "To hell if you think I'm going in there after him." She explains to me that Andy will be able to get out of her stomach as soon as he sobers up.
I told Angelina that I didn't feel well. She explained that all things on the 'evil' side of me were contained in Andy. Until he sobered up I would suffer a temporary loss of two of my favorite 'evils' my ability to hold my liquor and seduce women. Angelina laughs at me before she *poofs* away.
I woke up the next morning feeling myself, exhausted, but back to normal. I watched as Andy squeezed out of her ear. "Better then the alternative" I whispered to him as he flipped me off an *poofed* away. I thanked the young lady for a wonderful night as I headed out the door.
But I don't remember her name, so it doesn't count.
User Reviews
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-06-29 18:38:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more underage sex!
But still not bad.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-05-02 07:57:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-04-29 22:28:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really enjoyed this post. It was touching and comical.
I feel compelled to call shenanigans on the encounter with the hot-comforting-lesbian.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-04-29 15:48:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Send the video of the post-bar festivities to my email....I promise I won't sell it.
Without giving you 50%.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-04-29 15:28:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and I'm going to turn into a hit whore here. Humor me.. I'm craving feedback!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/65292
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-04-29 15:24:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Peon.. you'll have my vote!
Sad to say, I am now too old for American Idol..once again. So no chance of me ever making it. But I'll still sing karaoke when I get tipsy enough!
Uber-Karaoke-Con: Anyone?
Anyone?
Bueller?
Bueller?
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-29 15:05:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Crystle that's awesome. I want to go on American Idol someday. I'm gonna get in by doing something crazy like singing a song with lit sparklers sticking out of my ass.
That would definately get me on the DVD.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-04-29 15:01:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aww! I love that song...
Guilty secret time.. very guilty. Are you ready yet?
I actually tried out for American Idol by singing that song.
Yeah.. I'm ashamed <head hung> but on the bright side, I was too good to make it :-)
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-04-29 14:48:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok as I promised +2 for good story.
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Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-29 10:39:54 (#)
Ranking: 0
The picture didn't take, it would have rocked it was a pic of Andy Dick giving the 'Talk to the hand' guesture.
Still not the pick I was looking for more along the lines of Angelina and lesbians with bare asses.
But still a good post.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-29 13:59:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Awww thanks you guys, you are sweet <blushes>
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-04-29 12:50:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post has everything I've ever wanted and more.
Submitted by The_Fan (user info) at 2005-04-29 11:57:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your post had Angelina Jolie, a snake dildo, lesbian sex and beer. Wow. You ARE the perfect girl.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-04-29 11:15:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed...
then I thought of assless chaps and lesbians...
then I needed a little alone time...
but I'm back now to give you a well-deserved +2!
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-29 11:07:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-04-29 10:45:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-04-29 10:00:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Too many missing details, you know how we are here, Lil missie....
----------------
I resemble that remark....
Oh wait, I think I said that wrong
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2005-04-29 11:07:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-04-29 10:45:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-04-29 10:00:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Too many missing details, you know how we are here, Lil missie....
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-04-29 10:39:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The picture didn't take, it would have rocked it was a pic of Andy Dick giving the 'Talk to the hand' guesture.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-04-29 10:31:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-04-29 10:11:24 (#)
Ranking: 0
this first 0 is cause I was hoping for a picture.
After I read it perhaps I will give more
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-04-29 10:12:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
McWicked Sexy
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-04-29 10:11:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this first 0 is cause I was hoping for a picture.
After I read it perhaps I will give more
Submitted by Hucklebery8 (user info) at 2005-04-29 10:10:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Decent story, bad grammer (to, not too) but lesbians and Angelina Jolie... what more do you want? I also loved the "She wants to enjoy the show without stealing my spotlight so the two camp on the mic stand."
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-04-29 10:00:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too many missing details, you know how we are here, Lil missie....