Things I Command Of You (Noobs) Before Coming Into Work With Me (Your Intellectual Superior) (721 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by myredmirage95 (View user info) at 2005-04-30 00:44:34 EDT
In my last post, I ranted about a series of moronic douches who work with me...I shall do the same in this post as well.
This past Monday, our facility has hired a plethora of new employees. I'm not sure where they got these people, but I've heard rumors that many came from a development of cave-dwellers in the North Carolina Mountains and I've also heard that some were recruited from various Wal-Marts where they were snatched away from their jobs as "customer greeters".
In other words, they are all retarded.
I'm having difficulties not beating the fuck out of these assholes and it is killing me little by little with every little stupid thing they do. So, without further ado, here is a quick and easy (like their mothers) guide for the noobs to use in order to keep their ass from being seriously offended by my pissed off foot.
1. Learn your name and how to recognize it.
Simple enough. I know it is hard for you to read with that thick mono brow draping down over your eyes, but you can't use that as an excuse forever. The timecards on the wall have your name on them and yes, they will be moved while you are working, so learn to recognize your name as fast as possible. Other people do not want to wait 10 minutes for your ass to go through 100 cards to find "Shaniqua Brown".
If you can't learn to read fast enough to keep the flow going, put a damn sticker on your card. Don't have a sticker? Mark it with a pen. Draw whatever symbol you want...a smiley face, a bucket of chicken...whatever. You can piss on it when you come in for all I care, just as long as you can sniff it out in less than 8 seconds and get the fuck out of my way.
2. Learn to read.
This should have been done prior to joining the working force, but since you think you are better than your average 1st grader...
The ability to read is important in an industrial workplace in that your ass is on the line if you fuck up because you didn't take the time to read. Warning signs, directions, rules, you name it. They are all important and need to be read. I don't know how many of you that I've seen run full speed down the hill towards the parking lot like your ass is on fire. What I bet you didn't notice were the 10 signs lined up in a fence-like manner that read "WARNING- NOT A WALKWAY".
Let's break this sign down. No, put the hammer away, Jimbo. I mean break the wording down that is on written the sign. First word, "WARNING"; by definition 'warning' means 'Counsel to desist from a specified undesirable course of action'. I would take that as there is probably a danger afoot. Possibly a broken leg or face. Now moving on to 'NOT a Walkway', meaning this is NOT a possible exit/entrance route.
Now let us string it all together. "Warning-Not a Walkway"= "Go around the other way you fucking lazy moron."
3. Become up-to-date with modern vending machine operation.
I know that you are used to trapping animals or picking berries in the wilderness for sustenance, but you are in the modern world now. I world of vending machines with snack cakes and sandwiches and candy bars galore. Now is the time for you to learn how to use one of these devices.
•First step is to gaze longingly at the contents of the machine and choose what you desire to eat.
•Second is to put the correct amount of shiny round coins or green paper into the slot on the front panel.
•Third is to punch in the numbers into the keypad that are listed directly below your honey bun (Everyone knows that is what you are going to choose.)
•Last but not least, open up the sliding door and retrieve your item.
I've noticed that most of you have no problem with this, but there are a few of you who get stuck on step number 4 (retrieving your food). How hard can it be to open up the door with one hand and reach in to grab the food with the other? God gave you 2 arms and 2 hands, you know. Yeah, that other thing on the left side of your body that is dangling limply. No, not your penis.
There you go, that is an ARM with an attached HAND, just like the one of the other side. Use them both, you dipshit.
4. Follow the rules.
Rules are placed for your safety and well-being. You should know by now that it's dangerous to put your hand in any type of moving machinery for it is hazardous to your body.
What you may not know that it is also hazardous to your body when you take at 45 minute smoke break when you are only allotted 10 minutes. The hazard is that I will beat you like your drunken mother did when she caught you smelling her underwear if you cause me to lose my extra 5 minutes given to us who have to walk a far distance to the break room. I'm serious. It says 10 minutes. Do not take more than 10 fucking minutes unless your line lead tells you that you may do so or I will seriously ruin your shit.
5. Be considerate of other workers at all times.
In other words, do not fucking skip ahead in line at the time clocks on your way out.
Everyone has been at work just as long as you have and we all want to go home as soon as possible. Be considerate and do not shove someone out of the way so you can get your fat ass to the time clock before everyone else.
Shoving in any form is also frowned upon, especially if you fucking shove me again you stupid bitch. Next time you do that I'm going to do more than ask you what your fucking problem is. I'm going to crack your skull against your precious time clock. Don't believe me? Try it again, fuck face. I fucking dare you.
6. Fuck it.
Disregard all of the helpful hints listed above. Just pick your ass up and go back to Wal-Mart. You heard me. Get the fuck out. We do not want your kind here...and take whoever you hired to read this guide for you with you. If they are stupid enough to consort with anyone as stupid as you then they aren't welcome either.
Oh, and don't forget to stop by the time clock on your way out. Your timecard should be easy to find, it's the one with the big sticker on the front that says "Go Fuck Yourself, Noob" Don't worry about not being able to read, it's in graphic format...that means pictures.
User Reviews
Submitted by Grownasskid (user info) at 2005-07-10 14:37:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
some folks are dumb
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-04-30 12:42:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty funny. Rage is funny.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-04-30 03:52:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, what a highly informative rant about shitheads. You have had your fill of mouth breathers but you are far from going postal. Let us know when you are close to that edge. You'll know it because you will be using kitty litter as chicken breading and you will start to think that Dr. Phil ISN'T the Anti-Christ and that he has the best children's show on television.
Until then, calm down, have some dip.
Banga
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-04-30 03:29:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't think many of the reviwers have read this. It's not about new people here, it's about new people where he works. It's stil rubbish though, I'm afraid.
Submitted by NocternalDragon (user info) at 2005-04-30 02:34:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This should have a higher rating, some things made me laugh. Not all but some
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-04-30 02:16:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No, I'm saying you (a noob) have no right calling others a noob. Then you took so much offense to that, you had to actually try and say you weren't one.
To end this arguement, I shall put this as a response to anything further you have to say: http://www.lemonparty.org
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-04-30 02:15:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Everything you ever wanted to know about shitfuck
User id: 6479
Registered on or around: 2004-03-02 16:45:43
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BOW DOWN TO MY AWESOMENESS BITCH!!!
Submitted by myredmirage95 (user info) at 2005-04-30 01:28:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You've been here over a year, I've been here a little over 3 months. Of course you are going to have more posts and hits than me. What are you trying to prove? That you are better than me because you've written over a 140 shitty posts and 23 that are so-so? You want me to get down and bow before you?
Right.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-04-30 01:13:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You...
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Me...
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Yeah...
Submitted by myredmirage95 (user info) at 2005-04-30 01:07:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-04-30 00:46:12 (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything you ever wanted to know about myredmirage95
User id: 15669
Registered on or around: 2005-01-20 03:34:17
# Messages posted: 11
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STFU NOOB!!!
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My first 11 posts average: 1.53
YOUR first 11 posts: -0.61
My current average: 1.39
YOUR current average: 0.31
Yeah...
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-04-30 00:50:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Lame-ish.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-04-30 00:47:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
5. Be considerate of other workers at all times.
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Oops, I meant http://www.roflmao.com/hardjob
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-04-30 00:46:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
5. Be considerate of other workers at all times.
----
http://www.lemonparty.org
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-04-30 00:46:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything you ever wanted to know about myredmirage95
User id: 15669
Registered on or around: 2005-01-20 03:34:17
# Messages posted: 11
# Reviews written: 121
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 130
# Hits: 3494
STFU NOOB!!!