Santa takes care of business (930 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryRating: 1.43 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Santa Claus (View user info) at 2005-04-30 09:40:56 EDT
I was pissed. So pissed I could barely see straight on the whole trip down to D.C. "Sir, sir, please don't do this," an Elf begged. "C'mon, we'll go back home and I'll heat up the pipe for you. Whaddaya say?" I ignored him.
We landed at the D.C. suburb just before midnight. I leapt out of the sleigh with a crowbar. The Elf followed me. "What's your name, little guy?" "Nox, sir." "Well, Nox, we're going to teach these guys a lesson. That's all."
When I reached the door, I simply smashed the glass around the window. Nobody woke up. Great fucking neighborhood. Well, I guess it's a good thing nobody got nosy because they would have gotten a face full of crowbar if they did.
The house was filled with typical family shit. A refrigerator covered with stupid pictures and a calendar; stuffed animals everywhere; Disney tapes, and even a model rocket ship. I hate seeing this shit year after year.
We crept up the stairs. Nox was quieter than me, but years of practice make me undetectable to humans. We reached the top of the stairs. It was quiet. "Go find the kids' room," I told Nox. He hurried away.
Suddenly, a man walked into the hallway right in front of me! I swung low, and I made contact with his legs. He fell. I kicked him in the ribs to keep him quiet. I bent down until my face was an inch away from his. "Where's your bitch of a wife, asshole?" "S-Second room to the left!" He started weeping. I walked down to the doorway, then turned back. "By the way, good going, selling out your wife like that." He said nothing, but his face twisted into a horrible mask of shame.
I went in. She was already half awake. I grabbed her wrist, and said: "If you scream, I'll smash your fucking face in." She nodded. I dragged her from the bed before she got a chance to stand. She was dropped next to her husband.
Nox had the two kids: one boy, an eight-year-old, and a girl, probably five. The perfect fucking family. The mother saw me looking at them. "Oh God, do whatever you want to us, but-" "SHUT UP, SKANK!" I roared, and gave her a slap so hard that her head collided with the floor. I turned to the husband and took a paper out of my pocket.
"Read this. READ THIS!" I shoved it in his face. He took it. It read:
"Dear Santa,
Mommy and Daddy say that you don't exist so I don't have to send you
any more letters. Daddy says that you can go eat sh**, and that's pretty
mean. I don't think he would say something that mean if he didn't mean it,
so I guess I won't be mailing you anymore.
Bye,
Timothy"
I snatched it out of his hands. "You mother fucker." The woman opened her mouth to speak, but I punched her in the jaw. She stayed silent. "You fuckers are going to tell your kids one thing. Do you know what it is?" This time I let the woman speak. "Please sir, we'll give you anything you want, just ple-" I cuntpunched her (thanks to the wonderful advice from How To) and she started crying.
"How about you, fucker. I can eat shit, huh? How about you? Nox!" Nox came up to me. "Go get that kitty litter box downstairs. He got it. I took out a turd (thank the fuck Christ I was wearing gloves.) "Mmm, mmm. I bet this is tasty. Let's try it, shall we?" I forced turd after turd into his mouth. The bastard was really crying.
During this, the kids had retired to the upstairs bathroom. I called them back. "Kids," I said cheerily, "Your parents have something to tell you!" I leaned into the man's ear and whispered what I wanted the kids to hear. "Uh, there IS a Santa after all! He's the greatest, and, uh, never mind what I said earlier, okay, kids?" The kids nodded silently. "Alright, kids, you heard your parents, go back to bed now." Off they went.
I turned back to the parents. "If you motherfuckers ever tell them that shit again, well it won't just be you LEGS I break, wither!" When I said legs, I brought the crowbar down on the woman's legs, then again on the man's. We left the way we came.
I thought we hadn't alerted the neighbors, but there were two cops striding across the lawn when we left the house. Before they could react, I hurled the crowbar at one cop. He fell. "COPS DIE!" I screeched as Nox and I hopped on the sleigh flew off.
This year, I got another letter from Timothy:
"Dear Santa,
Ever since you visited, mommy and daddy have been crying a lot. I'd like a new bike, but maybe if you can bring something to make mommy and daddy happy again I could have that instead.
Ciao,
Timothy"
I'm going to pay another visit to make sure that those parents don't do any of that fucking moping.
User Reviews
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-10-22 06:34:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ho ho fuckin ho
thats right thats want i want for christmas
3 of 'em
bring it
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-05-06 18:42:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-05-06 18:25:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-05-06 16:52:18 (#)
Ranking: 0
Exteremely clever responces are for pussies, Duke!! And you just seem to be full of them!
And, 'ueah,' I didn't *need* to try it. Someone said that it was good and gave me a sip (I didn't know that it was supposed to keep you awake either.) It tasted like shit and now I keep on hearing about it. I did read your post, by the way.
[with no disrespect to any of the other -2s]
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Once again: I did read it, fuck face.
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Submitted by Santa_Claus_ (user info) at 2005-05-06 18:17:23 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-05-06 17:49:33 (#)
Ranking: 0
By the way, I quickly wrote unpopular rants and tried to show people long before I saw Maddox do it.
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Yeah, and you -2 people's post when you disagree with them.
Submitted by Duke_Diggler (user info) at 2005-05-06 15:46:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Santa_Claus_ (user info) at 2005-05-06 14:39:20 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Duke_Diggler (user info) at 2005-05-06 14:05:14 (#)
Ranking: -2
I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF SANTA CLAUS!!!!
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Retaliatory -2s are for pussys who don't feel like writing good responses.
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Well don't -2 a clearly awesome post of mine and I won't either.
Submitted by Duke_Diggler (user info) at 2005-05-06 14:05:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF SANTA CLAUS!!!!
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-05-06 13:28:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"which was inspired by the Pepsis, seeing as I've become almost completely immune to caffeine. "
Obviously I can, stupid.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-05-04 23:32:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Crazy, but that's how it goes.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-05-02 16:08:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dont fuck with Santa
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-05-02 14:41:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by blank_mind (user info) at 2005-05-01 11:57:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Won't somebody please think of the children?
Submitted by darkwulffe (user info) at 2005-05-01 05:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is under the poetry thread, huh? Its freaking poetry to my drink addled eyes, I must say. I can see this happen. Very nice imagery.
"Where's your bitch of a wife, asshole?" "S-Second room to the left!" He started weeping. I walked down to the doorway, then turned back. "By the way, good going, selling out your wife like that." He said nothing, but his face twisted into a horrible mask of shame.
I went in. She was already half awake. I grabbed her wrist, and said: "If you scream, I'll smash your fucking face in." She nodded. I dragged her from the bed before she got a chance to stand. She was dropped next to her husband.
Nox had the two kids: one boy, an eight-year-old, and a girl, probably five. The perfect fucking family. The mother saw me looking at them. "Oh God, do whatever you want to us, but-" "SHUT UP, SKANK!" I roared, and gave her a slap so hard that her head collided with the floor.
The woman opened her mouth to speak, but I punched her in the jaw. She stayed silent.This time I let the woman speak. "Please sir, we'll give you anything you want, just ple-" I cuntpunched her (thanks to the wonderful advice from How To) and she started crying.
"How about you, fucker. I can eat shit, huh? How about you? Nox!" Nox came up to me. "Go get that kitty litter box downstairs. He got it. I took out a turd (thank the fuck Christ I was wearing gloves.) "Mmm, mmm. I bet this is tasty. Let's try it, shall we?" I forced turd after turd into his mouth. The bastard was really crying.
Submitted by darkwulffe (user info) at 2005-05-01 05:22:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ROTFLMAO.
On further review of your post I must say that said posts are highly amusing and graphic.
It might just be the alcohol poisoning and my mood though.
Anyhoo, Very funny story.
Submitted by MoonStone (user info) at 2005-04-30 15:07:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Santa_Claus_ (user info) at 2005-04-30 13:35:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you, children!
Submitted by algermetiphist (user info) at 2005-04-30 12:07:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-30 10:53:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kylis327 (user info) at 2005-04-30 09:45:09 (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 me and ill -2 you
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Wow, aren't you just Uberlicious!!!
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-04-30 10:31:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Santa, you'll make a believer out of us all.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-04-30 10:27:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Dear Santa,
Where the fuck is my Red Rider bb gun with the compass in the stock? You fat fucker, I was a good fucking kid all goddamn year in hopes of getting that mother fucker. You suck jackass. Oh and by the way the cookies...that's right laced with Ex - Lax. Bitch.
Thanks for nothing shitbag,
Ralphie
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Sorry I couldn't help it. Decent post though.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-04-30 09:59:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Bad Santa
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-04-30 09:49:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear Santa,
You rock.
Thanks
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-04-30 09:46:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's the shithead thing to do.
Submitted by kylis327 (user info) at 2005-04-30 09:45:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 me and ill -2 you