How To: Ram raid a drugstore (655 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.27 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by How To (View user info) at 2005-04-30 11:10:17 EDT
The following is a How To guide, and is to be used for educational purposes only. In this case, it could also be used as an informative explanation as to how somebody would go about staging a pharmacy ram raid using Stephen Hawking's wheelchair as a juggernaut.
Preface: "Pedophiles can usually be identified by the wheeled chairs they move around in." - Chinese Proverb, 1500 B.C.
1. Go to Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con or wherever the fuck Stephen Hawking does his gigs.
2. Once you've located him, confuse him by saying something along the lines of: "Hey Mr. Reeve, they told me you were dead."
3. As he scrambles to morse code a reply, grab both of his fragile wrists and tell him you need to speak with him urgently about a scientific breakthrough you've made in the field of nuclear physics. Explain that if he'll just follow you outside you would be happy to share your future Nobel Prize money with him.
4. Once you get him outside, tell him that you invented an efficient nuclear fusion reactor while emitting photons out of your dick into your asshole, then drag that cunt out of the chair, stuff him into a Spacebag© and suck all the fucking air out with your mouth if you have to. Throw the bag in a dumpster and test out your new chair.
5. Pick a drugstore that faces a steep hill, then come back at night and drag the chair to the top. Load it up with bricks and give it a hard push, then chase after it. Odds are the chair won't do shit because there will be a steel grate behind any glass, but Stephen Hawking always keeps a spare oxyacetylene under the chair because fuck knows why.
6. If the tank hasn't already exploded, weld a hole through the security grate. Careful not to burn the chair: it is your getaway vehicle.
7. Frolic about the pharmacy, stocking up on Sudafed and Nyquil ("How To: batch cook methamphetamines", soon) then take a shit somewhere in the store and leave.
8. Get back in the chair and drive through back streets, listening careful for sirens.
9. BOOYEAH GREAT JOB TEAM WE REALLY PULLED TOGETHER ON THAT ONE HIGH FIVE.
User Reviews
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-05-02 07:43:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-02 07:21:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Santa_Claus_ (user info) at 2005-04-30 13:42:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
I like how the whole plot hinges on having STEPHEN HAWKINGS' chair and no other.
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Agreed,
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-05-02 06:36:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahahaha. Nice. I'm going to like this dude.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-04-30 22:25:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
perfection.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-04-30 22:13:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-04-30 15:54:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Eet mor cok.
Submitted by Cheeba_puff (user info) at 2005-04-30 15:47:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
...then take a shit somewhere in the store and leave.
XD
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-04-30 15:41:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by pushedbyboredom (user info) at 2005-04-30 15:35:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hey Mr. Reeve. They told me you were dead.
Yay
http://maddox.xmission.com/c.cgi?u=creeve
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2005-04-30 15:15:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Virgin review is the first review. It is the first to soil a post. The deflowerer.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2005-04-30 15:01:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yes
Submitted by Santa_Claus_ (user info) at 2005-04-30 13:42:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like how the whole plot hinges on having STEPHEN HAWKINGS' chair and no other.
Submitted by CunningVision (user info) at 2005-04-30 13:08:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed at 'fragile wrists' ... is that wrong?
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-04-30 11:39:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
meh
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-04-30 11:35:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Reminded me of GLALL.
Submitted by howto (user info) at 2005-04-30 11:24:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll give you a virgin review you filthy fucking slut
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2005-04-30 11:20:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
WHOO VIRGIN REVIEW