The Top 10 Reasons I Wish I Had A Vagina (3180 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.78 on 75 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rawrgy McRawrgerson <uber.rawrg.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-05-02 01:29:44 EDT
Not that I'm really in the market for one...
(In response to: http://www.ubersite.com/m/65466)
10: I would instantly gain Federal Minority Status and my business would get tax breaks for the suffering of my ancestors.
9: If I felt like getting laid, I could do so by walking into a bar at 1:59 AM or earlier almost regardless of intelligence or weight (barring hideous disfigurement, including gross obesity) Hell, I could just stand in the parking lot for that matter. I would never have to make the first move or get shot down if I didn't want to either.
8: I could punch just about anyone as hard as I wanted or attack them with a large blunt object (the rolling pin cliché comes to mind) and rarely face assault charges.
7: Divorce benefits:
I would more than likely receive custody and child support in the instance of a divorce. (Does not factor in Texas where divorce is probably illegal) (No offense to Texas, I actually really like big hats, revolvers and southern drawls)
I would also more than likely not be liable to pay child support in the instance of a divorce.
I could however receive a stipend because I've become accustomed to living the lifestyle that my ex-husband's salary had previously afforded me.
6: Horny guys will always be in heavy supply to boost my self confidence. (kind of like having a loyal dog that would love you no matter what you did to it) They'll laugh at my jokes, listen to my problems and give me things whenever I merely hint that I want it. If they become annoying, I would generally be able to drive them away with the phrase "I love how we're such good friends."
5: I will be allowed to make sexist statements without repercussion because of my minority status. At the same time, I could become vindictive upon hearing chauvinist statements, even when made in jest, because I am now a minority and you wouldn't understand my pain.
4: I wouldn't be called a pussy when I cry after William Wallace's execution in Braveheart.
3: I could fake orgasms and not tell my lover about it until after we broke up and I want to stop any argument of his right in his tracks.
Him: How could you do this to me? I mean, with my best friend!?
Me: You didn't pay attention to my needs.
Him: You never told me what you needed.
Me: Well, you never asked me what I needed.
Him: How am I supposed to know that you needed something more!? I'm not psychic!
Me: Well obviously! Otherwise you would've known that you never made me cum.
Him: ... (wind taken out of him like a doomed sailboat in the Bermuda Triangle) I... ugh...
Hell, I could have had the best sex of my life with him, but he wouldn't know. If he tried to persist, I'd just tell him it was because of his inadequate size, leaving him without a third leg to stand on.
2: I could be bisexual, if I were so inclined, without hearing the scooting of chairs and getting a weird stare.
1: My hair would smell great. Men aren't allowed to use flowery conditioners and perfumes. We have to use products with brand names like "Crew", "Musk", "Brut" and "Diesel" that are all derived from the anus of a hooved mammal.
So remember ladies, there are advantages and disadvantages. Would I want to give birth, go through menopause, menstruation, be expected to be a kitchen slave or be virtually crippled when it came to mechanical inclination? Of course not. I've been a man for too long to stop this pony in mid-stride. This list will only prove useful to me if God came down one day and said, "Ben. I've decided that I'm going to start fucking with people at random and from now on, you're going to be a women. Peace out, Amen and all that shit..."
...
Hey, you never know. God can be a dick like that sometimes.
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-01 17:37:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-09-01 16:42:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is great.
I need a coochie too.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-05-05 00:46:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you took out the unnecessary fucking profanities, what Loren said wasn't bitchy at all.
I think she kind of missed the humour of the post though.
Submitted by Bayley (user info) at 2005-05-05 00:37:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-03 21:10:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Loren1, stop being a whiny bitch.
I would rather be a man than a woman. The whole menstruation deal seems like a kick in the teeth.
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Oh how true you are (on both counts)!
But it really feels more like a kick in the uterus. Seriously.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-05-04 08:28:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is great!
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2005-05-03 22:23:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I had a delicious sammich.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-03 21:10:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Loren1, stop being a whiny bitch.
I would rather be a man than a woman. The whole menstruation deal seems like a kick in the teeth.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-05-03 20:26:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-05-03 16:54:04 (#)
Ranking: -2
alfakyle (user info) at 2005-05-03 16:42:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
largely true and very well said.
Loren1 -- where did he say anything about being a white woman? YOU played the race card here dear.
-------------------
I'M a white woman, for example, you stupid ass. Which is why I don't appreciate being included in a massive generalization that DOES NOT include me.
Race card?!? Christ, you're a bigger idiot than the poster. Do me a favor, learn how to use your brain or drop dead please *dear*.
hahahahhahahahaha
hahahahahah
hahaha
What a bitch. I bet she has some weak man she can control.
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-05-03 17:07:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Satire.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-05-03 16:54:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
alfakyle (user info) at 2005-05-03 16:42:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
largely true and very well said.
Loren1 -- where did he say anything about being a white woman? YOU played the race card here dear.
-------------------
I'M a white woman, for example, you stupid ass. Which is why I don't appreciate being included in a massive generalization that DOES NOT include me.
Race card?!? Christ, you're a bigger idiot than the poster. Do me a favor, learn how to use your brain or drop dead please *dear*.
Submitted by alfakyle (user info) at 2005-05-03 16:42:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
largely true and very well said.
Loren1 -- where did he say anything about being a white woman? YOU played the race card here dear.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-03 16:35:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Normally I like your posts but these really aren't true at all.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-05-03 16:29:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"I could however receive a stipend because I've become accustomed to living the lifestyle that my ex-husband's salary had previously afforded me."
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Just what fucking CENTURY do you think we're living in? Stupid fuck. I haven't known one woman that sits (or sat) back and lives off a man's salary. Fuck fuck fuck you and your backwards-ass stereotypes.
"I would instantly gain Federal Minority Status"
Try reading more about how easily white women achieve this status, asshole.
You're a whiny little turd who obviously reads too many email forwards entitled "why it's better to be a boy."
I can't believe this pile of crap has a positive rating.
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2005-05-03 16:28:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i laughed.
i cried.
well, i laughed anyway.
Submitted by thinning_temples (user info) at 2005-05-03 11:16:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Victory.
Submitted by Williams_2004 (user info) at 2005-05-03 05:50:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Im suddenly finding the need to say, + FUCKING 2, well done my son.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-05-03 05:33:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rocking it, Rawrg-style.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-03 04:35:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-05-02 09:45:57 (#)
Ranking: 1
sorry. I'm ending your streak. Every time I wanted to laugh, you ruined it with a stereotype that I KNOW was meant to be funny, but just... wasn't.
Besides... half the stuff you listed were things that we girlies get because we have TITS... not coochies.
=======================================
Because, you know, all those trannies get all that stuff too.
Submitted by Pizonka (user info) at 2005-05-03 00:51:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, it does rock to be a chick, don't it? ;-)
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-05-03 00:39:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is just excellent.
Submitted by Lunch_Pail (user info) at 2005-05-02 19:15:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
grade fuckin a my friend! I was actulally on last night when the origional came up and was going to do something like this. Unfortunately I could only come up with three reasons for having a vagina. I guess Im just not very creative! One thing that I was going to put in mine is how women can just find a rich guy and put their life on cruise control.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2005-05-02 17:39:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
: Horny guys will always be in heavy supply to boost my self confidence. (kind of like having a loyal dog that would love you no matter what you did to it) They'll laugh at my jokes, listen to my problems and give me things whenever I merely hint that I want it. If they become annoying, I would generally be able to drive them away with the phrase "I love how we're such good friends."
------------------------
that is the best part!
Submitted by Dino (user info) at 2005-05-02 17:30:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2005-05-02 16:54:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-05-02 09:45:57 (#)
Ranking: 1
sorry. I'm ending your streak. Every time I wanted to laugh, you ruined it with a stereotype that I KNOW was meant to be funny, but just... wasn't.
Besides... half the stuff you listed were things that we girlies get because we have TITS... not coochies.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I am with cookie!!
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-05-02 15:51:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff!!
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-05-02 15:33:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bitterly funny, and oh so true!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-05-02 15:21:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is some fucking brilliant stuff!
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-05-02 15:12:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm glad someone else ended the streak so I don't have to. I thought this came off as more bitter than funny.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-05-02 14:48:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The grass is always greener, buddy.
Submitted by TheEastman (user info) at 2005-05-02 12:52:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Definitely spot on in places. I do believe you failed to mention the perils of finding sand in one's vagina, and the ramifications of that situation, but aside from that you're golden.
And any woman who thinks they get the royal treatment simply because of her breasts, and not what's between her legs, is fooling herself. The tits are merely the handshake, the V is the sealed deal.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-05-02 12:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YES RAWRG!!! YES!!!
NO!
Yeast infections?
Awesome post my man.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-05-02 12:05:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I've been saying this since I was about 16 years old.
If I had a vagina, I'd never leave the house.
Oh, and I'd be a slut.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-05-02 12:04:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for the list.
-1 for the last bit.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-05-02 12:00:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
amen
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-05-02 11:30:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Fantastic until the last few lines.
Submitted by Emacheen (user info) at 2005-05-02 11:15:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, worthy of a deuce
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-05-02 11:11:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it. A lot.
Submitted by MoonStone (user info) at 2005-05-02 10:58:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"If they become annoying, I would generally be able to drive them away with the phrase "I love how we're such good friends." "
hahahahahaha
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-05-02 10:57:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-05-02 10:35:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-05-02 09:45:57 (#)
Ranking: 1
sorry. I'm ending your streak. Every time I wanted to laugh, you ruined it with a stereotype that I KNOW was meant to be funny, but just... wasn't.
Besides... half the stuff you listed were things that we girlies get because we have TITS... not coochies.
----------------------
I gonna go with its because you have BOTH, some chick with a dick bulge in her panties sure as fuck aint getting no special treatment from me.
Submitted by mxc_jwebber (user info) at 2005-05-02 10:22:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice #1 reason. As if using strawberry shampoo makes you a pussy.
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2005-05-02 10:04:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-05-02 09:45:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
sorry. I'm ending your streak. Every time I wanted to laugh, you ruined it with a stereotype that I KNOW was meant to be funny, but just... wasn't.
Besides... half the stuff you listed were things that we girlies get because we have TITS... not coochies.
Submitted by BigCore (user info) at 2005-05-02 09:31:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking funny.
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-05-02 09:31:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
amazingly funny and very well written.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-05-02 09:04:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You Funny Mother Fucker
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-05-02 09:03:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
amen
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-05-02 08:42:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking women.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-05-02 08:31:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fan-fucking-tastic
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-05-02 08:23:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Das ist gut!
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-02 07:28:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Umm, what's that phrase again?
Something to do with +2?
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2005-05-02 07:23:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1: My hair would smell great. Men aren't allowed to use flowery conditioners and perfumes. We have to use products with brand names like "Crew", "Musk", "Brut" and "Diesel" that are all derived from the anus of a hooved mammal.
This ruled so hard.
Submitted by ScoutCJustice (user info) at 2005-05-02 07:04:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2005-05-02 07:00:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-05-02 06:53:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bayley makes a good point with her comment below.
But this was friggin' hilarious.
Submitted by Bizdorph (user info) at 2005-05-02 06:11:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck double standards.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-05-02 06:09:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Appealed to the misogynist in me.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-02 05:46:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
leaving him without a third leg to stand on.
Submitted by Bayley (user info) at 2005-05-02 05:38:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So Funny!!
But this is really the top 10 reasons you wish you were a woman. I never said anything about wishing I was a man....
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-02 04:14:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My god that made me belch
Submitted by ze_poodle (user info) at 2005-05-02 04:11:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ba-hahaha. Only ranking this to maintain your perfect score.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-05-02 03:56:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah, yeah...plus deuce
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-05-02 03:48:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-05-02 02:55:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
This one, as opposed to the original, kicked fucking ass.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-05-02 02:55:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This one, as opposed to the original, kicked fucking ass.
Submitted by Or_ (user info) at 2005-05-02 02:54:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yesss.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-05-02 02:48:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-05-02 02:11:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ten flavours of awesome!
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-05-02 01:54:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-05-02 01:52:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bootiful
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-05-02 01:51:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is so true. And awesome. So very, very awesome.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2005-05-02 01:45:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mister_Fahrenheit (user info) at 2005-05-02 01:43:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-05-02 01:39:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was pretty funny dude.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-05-02 01:33:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I swear to god I've dated you.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-05-02 01:32:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment