Meditation: A Redneck Felon's Guide To Inner Tranquility (510 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.17 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by rollerboognish (View user info) at 2005-05-02 02:33:03 EDT
Hoo-wee, boy, am I ever a new man. I'm here to tell you how to change your very life. When you hear this story of mine, glory hallelujah, the heavens will open and the pubes of angels will rain down upon your upturned face. Praises be.
Meditation, my friends, meditation. That is the secret that will unlock the mystical hootenanny within your soul and turn you loose with the power to bless a herd of swine so that they stinketh no more. I seen it with my very eyes. Fifteen men cured of the lustin' for sheep, all at the same time, through the holy pesticide that is meditation. My farm's a lonelier place now, but fifteen times more peaceful and clean.
You might be scared of this Eastern practice. "Uncle Billy Bob Buddha," you might be saying to me, "I don't know about this, I done ate at a Chinese restaurant one time and it wasn't for me, thank you very much." Well, truly I say unto you, be not afraid, I tell you what. I will be your personal guru as we delve into the inner self and journey toward enlightenment (that's fancy talk for "buy some expensive tea and sit around doing nothing").
Before you can begin your journey, I must tell you about my own. "A journey of one thousand miles begins in a cornfield" - Uncle Billy Bob Buddha. (That there's an inspirational quote, feel free to write it on a quilt or whatever.) I was born one William Robert Buddharski in 1929, didn't do much of anything relevant to the story up until last year, though I did accidentally spend a couple of months in a state of intensive meditation one time after Jim "Big Mahatma" McGillicutty caught me with his daughter "traversing the astral plane" (that's fancy talk for "doin' the old rooty-tooty"). He sent me into my first meditative trance with the back end of his shovel, hoo-doggies.
'Bout this time last year, when all our planting was done, the missis and I were bored silly, and I was starting to have these pesky toothaches. The Alternative Medicine Clinic in Horse Gully was having a going-out-of-business sale, so we decided to give her a try. We walked into the lobby, which was empty except for a man and a cardboard box. I opened my mouth to tell him about my toothache, but before I could say anything, he pulled a brochure out of the box, handed it to me, picked up the box and walked out. We were left standing alone in the clinic with this mysterious piece of paper. I immediately cancelled my evening plans by handing the missis her key to the dildo cabinet.
Back at the farmhouse, I opened the brochure and read. "Meditation: A beginner's guide," it said. "This guide will teach you the ancient art of meditation, which you can use to calm your spirit, relieve stress, and get all the 20-something yuppie ass you can handle."
I read on. "Step One: Find a place where you feel completely relaxed." I thought about it, and some of my most relaxing and peaceful moments have been spent riding horseback through the fields. So I went out to the stable and saddled up my favorite steed PIgeonbrain. I climbed up on Pigeonbrain and read the next step.
"Step Two: Free yourself from all distractions." There was insects buzzing all around me. The horse stable was a pig sty, if you know what I mean. This was going to be tricky. I headed back to the house to get something to keep the flies off me. Bug spray? I shook the can. Empty. Fly swatter? Wasn't gonna work for meditating. Mosquito netting? What the hell is that? I was running out of ideas when I walked by the linen closet. Bingo! I wrapped myself in some white sheets and read the next step.
"Step Three: Clear your mind of all thoughts. You may wish to close your eyes or focus on a blank wall." The house had plenty of blank walls, but I still aimed to do my meditating on old Pigeonbrain, so I came up with my most brilliant Idea yet: I took the blank wall with me. I got some plain white paper and wrapped it around my head like a cone. At this point I couldn't see to read any more steps, so I tossed the brochure over my shoulder and headed back out to the stable.
It wasn't easy getting from the farmhouse to the stable with my white sheets and mask on. I should get some extra guru points just for making it there alive.
So I climbed back on Pigeonbrain and prepared to become an empty vessel. I remembered hearing something about mantras and saying "ohhmmm" while meditating, and I figured it couldn't hurt, so I made up my own little mantra. "Ooohhhhmmmm," I said. "Oooohhhhmmmmmmhhooooooooommmmeoooooooonnnnnnnnnntheeeeeeeeeraaaaaaaaaannnnge..."
It was getting pretty peaceful, I was feeling pretty good, and like a dog when he gets his belly scratched, my leg started to twitch. I guess I must have kicked Pigeonbrain a bit hard, because he took off running with me on his back halfway to enlightenment. It tripped me right the hell out. I didn't know what to do. I held on for my life and tried to clear my head. Took me a few minutes to realize that my mind was actually too clear and I needed to clutter it back up. By that time Pigeonbrain had run a good piece down the road.
First I figured out that I needed to get the white cone off my head so I could see. I kept my grip on Pigeonbrain with one hand, and I reached for the hat with the other, but my arm was all tangled in the white sheets and Pigeonbrain was still going at full gallop.
'Bout this time, I started hearing voices. I thought they might have been my inner self or spirit guide or some such mumbo-jumbo trying to guide me on my journey, but they sounded angry and black.
"Yo, who the fuck is this joker?"
"MuthaFUCKa!"
"Bitch, you one DEAD cracker! Shit!"
I had wised up enough by this time to know that the shooting pain in my side wasn't my soul breaking free and that when I flew off Pigeonbrain I sure as shit wasn't levitating.
Yes, my fellow spiritual travellers, I am writing you from prison. I was convicted of a crass hate crime, after I had set out for such a peaceful goal. The Divine All-Knowing Universe slapped my ass with her cowhide whip of irony, yessirree Bob.
Now you know what that bit about being a new man was all about. I gotta say that bullshit to make parole. I do recommend meditation, though. In fact, I'll give you what I promised: Uncle Billy Bob Buddha's Guide to Meditation:
Step One: Stay the hell inside.
User Reviews
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2005-05-21 15:30:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
cute
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-05-02 14:54:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
have my babies
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-05-02 10:31:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
made me snicker
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-05-02 06:58:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought the first bit was hilarious. "Big Mahatma McGilicutty" indeed. Then it got into the clan thing and I didn't find that very funny.
I also enjoyed the use of the word, "hootenanny".
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-02 05:26:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I personally thought it was well conceived, well written and very funny.
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-05-02 04:50:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah. I didn't mean to be that critical. I was just keen to read your latest post because I still remember the one about wizards and gnomes and I almost pissed myself laughing. Most of the stuff on this site is shit but once every now and then something funny comes along. Anyway, I'm being a bit hypocritical given that my stuff isn't that good.
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-05-02 03:50:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah, no hard feelings, joedaddy. it's just that "no comment" from someone you don't know could mean anything. thanks for clarifying.
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-05-02 03:47:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
good question, michael flatley. we all have our hits and misses, uh? i rushed through this one, and it wasn't all that funny an idea to begin with, i guess. i hate going for weeks without posting, though, so when i thought of something i did it. i'll think twice next time.
and you gotta admit, you only get a plum like "fuck nerds" to parody once in a long time.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-05-02 03:34:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It means worth reading!
I thought it was charitable.
So far it looks as thought as I am correct.
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-05-02 03:28:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh. Whatever happened to the rollerboognish who wrote such quality pieces as "Fuck Wizards, Gnomes get what they want because they earned it."?
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-05-02 03:05:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't even know what to say, thorpe.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-05-02 02:57:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-05-02 02:55:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn, I know. At least say something.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-05-02 02:49:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is there anything more infuriating than a 0 rating and a no comment. I mean why bother?
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-05-02 02:41:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment