I can't work under these conditions. (1316 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.86 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-05-02 12:21:57 EDT
At 3.30 am I was woken up by the sound of the rain hammering brainlessly on my bedroom windows. I decided sleepily that as long as I was up, I'd go get a drink, so i fell out of bed and staggered to the top of the steps, where I stood blinking for a while.
I am not at my best at 3.30 in the morning.
I blinked at the loungeroom floor and trudged back into the bedroom.
"Honey?"
"Mmmmf."
"Do we live in a lake?"
"No."
"Okay."
Back to the top of the stairs. Blink blink. Trudge trudge.
"Honey?"
"Mmmmmf."
"Did you spill something on the floor?"
"What? No. Go to sleep or whatever it is you do when you're not being crazed."
"Okay."
Stairs. Blink. Trudge.
"Honey?"
"WHAT?"
"We might have a problem."
"...is this one of those problems that means I have to wake up?"
"Kinda."
"Then it can wait until morning."
"It's just...."
"What?"
"There's two inches of water downstairs through the whole level."
"Did anyone drown in it?"
"Not yet."
"Wake me when it gets to a foot deep."
"Okay."
So I braved the cold water swimming pool in my loungeroom and splashed my way through to the kitchen. While I was standing there, contemplating my naked reflection in the window and wondering if I can use a cheese slicer to take a few inches off my hips, it occurred to me that I could mop up the water.
My mop was just outside the back door. Splash splash slip splash to the glass door, opened it, and immediately caught what felt like a six foot breaker on my poor exposed flesh.
"Ahhh GOD FUCK SO FUCKING COLD!"
(Distantly) "Is it a foot deep yet?"
"Cuntwhelp motherfucking dutch cunting son of a bitching whoreslut!"
(Distantly) "So no, then?"
My mop was floating in a pool of water a foot deep, the rain was coming in sideways, the floor was flooded, I was cold and naked, and my toes were going pruney from standing in the water.
And he wakes up an hour earlier than me in the mornings.
So I did what any good, loving, responsible wife would do and went back to bed.
When I got up this morning the floor was dry and I assumed it was over.
6.00 pm the rain started again. We piled up towels in front of the door and watched water spread relentlessly over the floor anyway.
And then something short circuited, the safety switch flicked itself off, and we stood there in the silence and just looked at each other.
"Go out there and build a dike or something."
"What?"
"You're from Holland! You like, LIVE underwater. Go build a wall and then stick your thumb in it or whatever you do."
"Honey?"
"Yeah?"
"Go turn the power back on."
"Right."
Meter box. Small grey switch. Red flag up, indicating a short circuit. Right. Flick the switch up and -
It flicked back down.
I flicked it up and held it.
It flicked back down.
I flicked it up and swore at it.
It flicked back down.
I walked around the house and unplugged every appliance we own. Flicked the switch up.
It flicked back down.
I tried sneaking up on it, with predictable results.
"Lyn? Whatcha looking for?"
"Duct tape."
"Why?"
"Hold switch up."
"Erm. I don't think that's the solution - see, we have to wait for the water to back down and then - "
"Need tape. Switch must be up. No power. No coffee. Tape now."
"It won't work, love."
After a while - and after the Dutchman talking me out of using duct tape, a hammer, a cordless drill, a chisel, my own forehead, and a knife - the rain stopped, the water drained away, and the power allowed itself to be switched back on.
No moral. No point. Just felt like sharing.
Also, a question; when one's son is organising DVD's and puts "The Incredibles" and "Harry Potter" under non-fiction, should one be concerned?
User Reviews
Submitted by Askari (user info) at 2005-06-13 10:50:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you really think you could get ten out of bed. I could have told you otherwise (maybe I should have sooner)
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-05-19 13:22:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It looks to me like you're one hell of a catch. You mop naked and fold clothes!
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-05-17 10:34:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome. I do worry that you're trying to organize your kid's DVD collection, though.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-05-10 18:14:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I tried sneaking up on it, with predictable results.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-05-10 02:23:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have just added a new "fan" for life with your writing.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-08 22:23:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-08 03:30:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-07 08:16:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Meter box. Small grey switch. Red flag up, indicating a short circuit. Right. Flick the switch up and -
It flicked back down.
I flicked it up and held it.
It flicked back down.
I flicked it up and swore at it.
It flicked back down.
I walked around the house and unplugged every appliance we own. Flicked the switch up.
It flicked back down.
I tried sneaking up on it, with predictable results.
"Lyn? Whatcha looking for?"
"Duct tape."
"Why?"
"Hold switch up."
"Erm. I don't think that's the solution - see, we have to wait for the water to back down and then - "
"Need tape. Switch must be up. No power. No coffee. Tape now."
"It won't work, love."
---------------------
I want to have sexual relations with the above paragraph in its entirety. Please may I have your permission?
=============================================
Permission?
I just had my way with it, and it liked it.
No matter what it says in court.
Submitted by Duke_Diggler (user info) at 2005-05-08 02:52:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
absolute shite. please slit your wrists and slowly drain the life from your pathetic husk of a human body.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-07 08:16:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Meter box. Small grey switch. Red flag up, indicating a short circuit. Right. Flick the switch up and -
It flicked back down.
I flicked it up and held it.
It flicked back down.
I flicked it up and swore at it.
It flicked back down.
I walked around the house and unplugged every appliance we own. Flicked the switch up.
It flicked back down.
I tried sneaking up on it, with predictable results.
"Lyn? Whatcha looking for?"
"Duct tape."
"Why?"
"Hold switch up."
"Erm. I don't think that's the solution - see, we have to wait for the water to back down and then - "
"Need tape. Switch must be up. No power. No coffee. Tape now."
"It won't work, love."
---------------------
I want to have sexual relations with the above paragraph in its entirety. Please may I have your permission?
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-05-03 23:12:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why hello, Ser-sea. I'd be concerned that he's sounds a little anal, not in a ghey Williamson way, mind, but more of an obsessive compulsive disordery one.
Gold, as is your want.
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2005-05-03 22:38:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Water to your knees at 3am sucks the high hard one!!
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-05-03 22:22:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1. So far you've had floods and swarms of caterpillars... I'd get in some quality time with my son real fast if I were you...
2. What's a six foot breaker?
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-05-03 09:04:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How do you get so much from so little??
And:
----------------
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2005-05-02 13:44:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm glad you beau wouldn't let you tape the switch up. it means something was shorted, and you would have had a fire in the water.
----------------
A fire in water!
SWEEEET!
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-05-03 04:12:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We saw the "continuing rain in the Great Australian Bight" on CNN... but they weren't nearly as funny as this.
The only thing you left out is the dutchman's reaction when you crawled back into that nice warm bed and pressed your wet, freezing cold extremities against his warmth. I need to know if the degree of sadism in my marriage is normal, and also if it's normal for a grown man to scream like a girl when someone puts their ice cube toes between his thighs to warm them up.
Oh, and don't start worrying about the boy until he puts Apocalypse Now in Comedy.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-05-02 22:02:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best in a while.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-05-02 21:38:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-05-02 21:28:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I envy your children. And your husband. Did you see my little animation?
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-05-02 21:04:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-02 20:51:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
"and wondering if I can use a cheese slicer to take a few inches off my hips"
I've wondered the same exact thing
*************************************
Of course you can, what a silly question. I'm sure you'll find the results attractive and hilarious! Just wear something loose for a few days while you heal. Like a moo moo.
Wonderful story Circe. You're awesome.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-02 20:51:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"and wondering if I can use a cheese slicer to take a few inches off my hips"
I've wondered the same exact thing
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-05-02 18:34:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-05-02 12:45:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
but the Lord of the Rings is nonfiction right? """
Of course it is loki.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/18003
My water in house story, now with 45% more ghey!
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-05-02 17:52:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aw. Look at all the neatly folded little clothes.
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-05-02 17:40:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2005-05-02 16:41:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-05-02 15:39:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My mop was floating in a pool of water a foot deep, the rain was coming in sideways, the floor was flooded, I was cold and naked, and my toes were going pruney from standing in the water.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some people would pay big bucks to see that....
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-05-02 15:30:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Love it
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-05-02 14:54:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I got sunshine on a cloudy day . . .
Circe, you never ever disappoint. Thanks for not sucking.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-05-02 13:47:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-05-02 13:46:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"when one's son is organising DVD's and puts "The Incredibles" and "Harry Potter" under non-fiction, should one be concerned?"
-------
Honestly, I think that one should be concerned at the mere fact of one's son organizing DVD's instead of doing more age-appropriate things such as blowing up frogs by placing M-80's in their mouths, or 'mummifying' the sister units with every roll of toilet paper in the house.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2005-05-02 13:44:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm glad you beau wouldn't let you tape the switch up. it means something was shorted, and you would have had a fire in the water.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-05-02 13:33:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You rule.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-05-02 13:31:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I will never forgive you for not marrying me.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-05-02 13:18:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
---
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-05-02 12:43:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
you are an AWESOME wife. you mopped the whole thing up while your husband was sleeping? dear lord. he owes you some serious jewelry.
---
Not only did she mop it up, but she did so naked.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-05-02 13:09:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hah,
Kidding!!!
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-05-02 12:48:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(Distantly) "Is it a foot deep yet?"
"Cuntwhelp motherfucking dutch cunting son of a bitching whoreslut!"
(Distantly) "So no, then?"
============
Through love, all things are possible.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-05-02 12:47:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I look forward to seeing your posts on the front page. Never a disappointment.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-05-02 12:45:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
but the Lord of the Rings is nonfiction right?
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-05-02 12:43:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you are an AWESOME wife. you mopped the whole thing up while your husband was sleeping? dear lord. he owes you some serious jewelry.
Submitted by NocternalDragon (user info) at 2005-05-02 12:37:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go out there and build a dike or something."
"What?"
"You're from Holland! You like, LIVE underwater. Go build a wall and then stick your thumb in it or whatever you do."
HAHAHAHAHAHA best line of the day im thinking.
And yes I would be concerned about the dvd situation, that concens me more then the ocean with sea monsters in your kitchen.....
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-05-02 12:36:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, a question; when one's son is organising DVD's and puts "The Incredibles" and "Harry Potter" under non-fiction, should one be concerned?
-------
I would be more concerned about the fact that he's organising them in anything other than alphabetical order.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-05-02 12:34:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Way to open the screen door and let more water in.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2005-05-02 12:32:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Go out there and build a dike or something."
"What?"
"You're from Holland!"
-------------------
Hahahahaha.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-05-02 12:32:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Maybe you need the Shlongy penis pacifier, to lessen the stress of shark attacks. And stuff.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-05-02 12:32:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go out there and build a dike or something."
"What?"
"You're from Holland! You like, LIVE underwater. Go build a wall and then stick your thumb in it or whatever you do."
-------------------------------
I tell you what Circe, one of these days, I don't know...
I want you to spank me for being a bad boy.
PSHHHHH. I didn't just say that.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-05-02 12:28:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Those aren't non fiction?