Sex for Women (and His Best Interest) (2396 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.72 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SammySam (View user info) at 2005-05-03 01:19:09 EDT
Sex for Women (and His Best Interest)
As a self proclaimed and self certified (fig. 1) sexpert I have found it my duty to explain to women what it is that they are doing wrong. While not all of us can be as great as myself in the sack at the very least you can try and learn how to make us men happy. Remember you are not born a great sex partner, it takes years of practice, and the desire for self improvement. As a little side note: By my assuming that your reading this on the internet self improvement is a must for you women, as I'm sure most of you are hardly up to par especially in the field of looks (fig. 2). In order to make this as easy a read as possible I have broken up many techniques into several articles. So please sit back, grab a drink (preferably water), a snack (rice cakes are a good choice here), and delve into the world of the unknown.
Article 1: Men like to see your body (fig. 3).
Yes, ladies it is true. Us men love to see your body. Lets face it, if were willing to have sex with you then we aren't too ashamed of your body and love nothing more than to gaze at your womanhood and admire it. Another bit of honesty here is that even if you are overweight we are still very interested in looking at your body. Unless of course you are 10 pounds overweight. For heavens sake that is just disgusting (fig. 4), you should be ashamed of yourself, and please for your sake and mine go on a diet. Actually that is just a little humor there, it's really more along the lines of 30 pounds. Unfortunately not all men can be as good looking as myself (fig. 5), and as the old saying goes "beggars can't be choosers". Anyway the point of article 1 is that you women should show confidence in your body and flaunt it while in the sack, don't be afraid to let your breasts out, or do strip shows. Men typically love this and he will love it when you show the confidence that you have. Now on the other hand for you girls that are "plus sized" remember that it is ok to flaunt your body too. But try not to do it too much, because your man will eventually sober up and remember it in the morning as he bolts to the door. Subtly is key here; flaunt enough for him to get into you but not enough for him to remember and make fun of you with his friends.
Article 2: Bitches, please learn how to give proper head.
If your reading this and you're a female please raise your hand. Ok if you have your hand up SURPRISE, you suck at giving head! However giving good head is not very difficult to learn. If you leave with nothing from this article try to remember this: "Act retarded". By that I mean feel free to drool all over the place, make noises like "Nuuuurrrrr!" and keep your hands cocked up near your head. Once you have mastered that position simply add penis. Keep one hand on the base of the shaft and the other gently cupping the males scrotum. Please remember it is O.K. to squeeze the shaft, but please do not squeeze the scrotum, there is some very sensitive goods in there and they are easily damaged. Imagine if you will your clitoris being grabbed my a pair of needle nosed pliers, I'm sure you will never do that again after your first mistake. The simple part is suck, lick, jerk, kiss, you can remember this by thinking SLJK (Stupid Ladies Just Kiss) and careful with the teeth, you wouldn't want me to remove them for you now would ya? Very good, I think you can figure that out. As with everything we are going to cover today, practice makes perfect.
Article 3: Your boobs are fine.
Maybe they're not as big as... well... as they should be. Maybe you have freakishly large areolas, or even just nipple tower part. Whatever your problem may be take solitude in knowing that at least you got them. But wait! this is about self improvement not just being "fine". For example if you have 10 year old fat little Irish boy titties then I simply wouldn't show them to anyone... ever. That is until you find the right guy, some freaks like that kind of stuff. (fig. 6) It is important to find a mate who will except you as you are. Another example of how to keep your standards in check is if you are so fat that your boobs look like a trash bag filled halfway with sand, then your going to have to fish in a gene pool that would accept such a crime against humanity. (fig. 7) Otherwise there is always the option of surgery. If your breasts are not a C cup or larger your going to need implants. Like wise if it is any bigger than a D your going to need a reduction. Make sure you go to a good doctor as he can make your chest proportional to your waist. Of course that means that your waist should never be larger than 30 inches (refer to Article 1). If this travesty were to happen it is ok to look into the option of liposuction. (fig. 8)
Article 4: Twerk that monkey
That title basically sums it up. Twerk your monkey for your own good, I can guarantee that the guy will like it. Especially if you cum so hard that it puts your pussy in a coma. Then make him feel as if it was all his doing and praise him as if he were the king. It is ok to shout phrases such as "oh yea, you're the king" or "god damn, you put my pussy in a coma" just don't think that because you came you work is over. It is your duty as a woman to pleasure the man to his fullest extent, whether it means sucking him off (refer to Article 2) or letting him titty fuck you (refer to Article 3).
Warning this post is not to be taken literally. If you have taken it literally then be proud of the fact that you can omit Article 2. In a case such as your own you are likely already retarded, and probably give great head due to your own mental retardation. Congratulations!
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-05-03 16:40:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
she had areolas the size of dinner plates, I tells ya...
Submitted by SammySam (user info) at 2005-05-03 15:51:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by manicvelocity (user info) at 2005-05-03 15:13:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus H. Christ in a handcart that was good! Congratulations on being the first human being to cause Sobe to come out my nose.
And I'm not even drinking Sobe!
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That's some funny shit! You're welcome.
Submitted by manicvelocity (user info) at 2005-05-03 15:13:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus H. Christ in a handcart that was good! Congratulations on being the first human being to cause Sobe to come out my nose.
And I'm not even drinking Sobe!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-05-03 15:05:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for effort you mentalist.
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-05-03 14:59:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You forgot this one:
Feeling down? Cramps all the time? Bitchy? Miss sex?
But that doesn't mean he has to! Always remember to please your man during your "time of the month" so he feels loved. Hands or mouth, your pick! What a deal....
Submitted by m0ke34 (user info) at 2005-05-03 14:36:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My girlfriend is coming in to town tonight. Maybe I'll have her read this. After doing so, I will promptly retreat from it with "I'm only kidding."
Submitted by SammySam (user info) at 2005-05-03 12:58:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
CookieLass: Take a look here.
http://www.pulsehead.com/message/1054/Sex+for+Women+%28and+His+Best+Interest%29.html
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-05-03 12:32:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by SammySam (user info) at 2005-05-03 11:56:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
Jeanneee: I know not of what you speak. I always thought that a plagiarist is a person who took someone elses work and claimed it as their own. That simply cannot be the case here as, you see, I have written this myself. While it has been posted other places it is completely original from myself.
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I don't believe that for a second.
Submitted by UberGirl (user info) at 2005-05-03 12:06:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There once was a man from Nantucket.
Submitted by SammySam (user info) at 2005-05-03 11:58:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh and shlongy I was here for a while back in the day but I took a break for a bit cuz Uber was getting on my nerves. That's who the hell I am.
Submitted by SammySam (user info) at 2005-05-03 11:56:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-05-03 08:38:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
plagiarist
Jeanneee: I know not of what you speak. I always thought that a plagiarist is a person who took someone elses work and claimed it as their own. That simply cannot be the case here as, you see, I have written this myself. While it has been posted other places it is completely original from myself.
Basically all I have to say to you is that you must give great head.
Have a nice day. =)
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-05-03 11:29:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dr. Belle wholehearted supports and condones the use of the above material and would also like 10% of the profits when this goes to print.
(Even though I do not believe it's possible to put a pussy in a coma).
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-05-03 10:05:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is as good as anything I have read here in a while. Good Job.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-05-03 09:52:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good fucking job...who are you again?
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-05-03 09:32:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nothing in this post that I didn't already know.
But +2 because it made me laugh.
Good show.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-05-03 08:46:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny. However, I have a more practical sex guide for women:
1) Have tits and a vagina.
2) Weigh less than 140 pounds.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-03 08:45:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cite your source
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-05-03 08:38:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
plagiarist
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-03 08:06:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But still worth the 1.5
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-03 08:06:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Cock, this one little line is why.
"Warning this post is not to be taken literally."
I don't like people telling me what to think.
Submitted by jojojojoan (user info) at 2005-05-03 07:44:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hA hA hA hA!!!
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-03 07:19:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that was fucking hilarious. I'm gonna make my woman say things like "Oh baby you put my pussy in a coma!" from now on.
I can't believe this doesn't have a perfect plus2 score
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-05-03 07:16:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet Jesus. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Submitted by Ivy (user info) at 2005-05-03 07:13:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
aha! This was funny.
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-05-03 06:49:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2005-05-03 02:41:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2005-05-03 01:49:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't give a handjob for shit. This vexes me, Ubersite. Write an instructional post, and make sure it accurately applies to all men, universally.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-05-03 01:32:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny. Although, it seems to be written from a highschooler's point of view. I was entertained, nonetheless.
Submitted by MoonStone (user info) at 2005-05-03 01:30:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-05-03 01:27:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you leave with nothing from this article try to remember this: "Act retarded". By that I mean feel free to drool all over the place, make noises like "Nuuuurrrrr!" and keep your hands cocked up near your head
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-05-03 01:24:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
very funny.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-05-03 01:23:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Fucking your mom doesn't count unless you live in Manitoba.