Every Pretentious Cocksucker at Pitchfork Media Can Lick My Scrotum Clean (488 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.67 on 4 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by HZRD (View user info) at 2005-05-04 00:13:42 EDT
I went through every possible style desperately anti-jock, anti-meathead anti-country teenage and college years: metalhead, punk, hippie, indie hipster, rude boy, underground wigger, raver, but mostly alt-rock loser. They all sucked equally in their own rights. I've often asked myself this question: which tribe has the most annoying followers?
Well, I can EASILY target the majority of "hippies", I could shove a horn up the ass of any rude boy (whee!), I can make the a raver apologize to his parents for being such an asshole when he's dressed up like a character from Sailor Moon high as a kite on K, and I can dress up a "suburban gangster" and drop him off in the middle of Jamaica, Queens at 4AM on a Saturday. But none of these can compare to the fucking hipsters, really they can't even begin to touch these assholes.
For the last two months, I've been hanging out with these people my roommate met at a bar. They're all really funny people and fun to drink with at bars and shit, I mean, I could puke and rally and they all cheer, that's what friends are made of, am I right? They all listen to indie rock, and that's cool, I mean I own like six Pavement records (and I'm not proud of it but fuck it). Good people.
Sometimes after hours, we go to their friends' houses - these friends aren't twenty somethings, they are mid thirties and above. And they dress just like these kids, tight shirts exposing their fat hairy guts, dork glasses, running shoes, no fucking joke. They talk about their "scene" like it's the most important fucking thing in the world while sipping aged wine and that shit makes my ass sad... that shit is the worst. Aging assholes who are basically unemployed or work at record stores, talking about the newest band to come from Fucking S. Nowhere, Nebraska and how they just don't compare to some obscure band from the 80s you couldn't even think was cool if you tried because you weren't there, MAN. Sort of like old hippies but unfortunately more coherent
I mean, at least old metalheads know they're old. By the point they reach 30, they're only out for a Slayer concert or an Anthrax reunion tour. And they're fucking FUN to party with, as are old punks (Sholngy)- listening to them talk about the good old days and smashing beer bottles and fighting, my kind of shit.
And that shit brings me to http://www.pitchforkmedia.com. Time to sweat Bright Eyes and Interpol's nuts, everyone! Fuck, I can't believe there's a collective of these assclowns. I can't even imagine what the hiring process for writers must be like... or maybe I can:
Pitchfork Goon: Ok, first and most important: what do you think of Wilco?
Assclown: THEY ARE THE BEST BAND EVAR. I wrote 7 huge pages about them in my blog! Check it out here: http://GAY4WILCO9748.blogspot.com.
PG: WOW That kicks ASS. What about metal, industrial and punk music then, love? [He likes to pretend he's British]
AC: That shit is for immature losers, fucking whiny crybabies, and people that don't know a scene is dead, in that order.
PG: OK, just one more question: have you jerked off to the latest Yo La Tango album?
AC: [Ejaculates] UNGH! What? Oh sorry, I was jerking off to the new YLT album!
PG: LOL!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111! YOU'RE HIRED! ...what're you doing later tonight?
Man I hate aging hipsters.
User Reviews
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-05-04 11:38:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
is 28 old?
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-05-04 07:28:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-05-04 00:44:20 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm 28. I'm at more concerts than you could imagine--this year alone I've seen bands ranging from Slipknot to DJ Shadow. I saw Motley Crue here in Edmonton from a $200 000 sky box AND I'll be at the largest 'hippy' festival in Western Canada, The North Country Fair.
Are you saying I'm too old to love music?
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HAHAHAHAHA... yes that's exactly what I'm saying, oldie. jesus... NO. I'm talking about the balding mid thirties+ guys who show up to concerts and freak all the younger girls out. I mean seriously, when I'm trying to hit on a 15 year old slut and feed her the "funny" ice tea I don't need my GRANDPA fucking it up, do I?
GO GET SCREENED FOR COLON CANCER.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-05-04 00:44:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm 28. I'm at more concerts than you could imagine--this year alone I've seen bands ranging from Slipknot to DJ Shadow. I saw Motley Crue here in Edmonton from a $200 000 sky box AND I'll be at the largest 'hippy' festival in Western Canada, The North Country Fair.
Are you saying I'm too old to love music?
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-05-04 00:36:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i am guilty of alt-rock loser-ism.