I Had a Heart Attack Yesterday (1060 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.86 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Cunning Vision (View user info) at 2005-05-04 23:32:46 EDT
Seriously. I did.
Tuesday, May 3, 2005, at 3:30 p.m., I was sitting at my desk, pleased as Han Solo after shooting Greedo that I was just about done putting my newspaper together. I was a bit stressed out. Who wouldn't be? I mean, c'mon, my boss is worse than Rosie O'Donnell at an NRA meeting. Our paper is a weekly, so we have to have that shit finished by Thursday morning. I was early. Hellz yeah.
I got up from my desk to stretch my back. I turned to my coworker to tell him some joke I heard about working in cubicles, and then I couldn't breath. My chest clenched like Eminem's butt cheeks when he performed with Elton John.
Everyone in the office ran over to me. Of course, trying to be the tough guy, I was saying between strained breaths, "Don't worry about it. I'm sure it's nothing. Probably gas."
So, after they called 911, I was put in an ambulance, on a stretcher with I.V. in my arm and cords strapped on my body like I'm fucking Neo. Now, I don't know if any of you have had the fun, fun time of riding in an ambulance with an I.V. drip on to a hospital that is about 30 minutes away, but believe me when I say that if you have to piss, it's not a pretty site. Especially when those attending you happen to be female and you are a male.
"We have a urinal."
"Awesome. Where is it?"
(Handing me a jug) "Here you go. If you need another one, let me know."
"I think one gallon will suffice, thanks."
We arrived at the hospital and they crash me into the walls more times than necessary. I was back on the bumper cars at Santa Cruz, minus the incredible control. My chest still felt like Andrea the Giant was trying to pin me in Wrestlemania III. I was breathing through a straw ... no, more like a coffee stirrer. My arm and upper lip were going numb and spots were in front of my eyes.
"Sir, open your mouth and put this under tounge. It will taste bad and give you a headache, but take it quickly."
"Sounds like eating out my ex. What is it?"
"Nitro."
Eventually the pain in my chest goes away, but it's not the end of the fun.
Hospital stays are about as boring as sitting through a John Denver/James Taylor double headliner at the Filmore. Oh, but you do get the added attraction of blood draws every two hours, spiced up with an oxygen tube up your nose, occasional blood pressure checks, and a failed-hair-dresser-turned-nurse who shaves spots of your chest hair to connect wires. Not making this clear enough? It sucked as much balls as "Surviving Christmas."
With last night finally over with, I was looking forward to today. They said they had only to do an ultrasound, an x-ray, and a stress test.
"Great," I thought. "I'm good at tests."
The ultrasound was weird, with some cold goopyness being smeared across my chest. But once I found out it wasn't twins, I felt relieved.
The x-ray was fun. A big, hairy x-ray tech took the top of my gown off and put a cold pad behidn my back. It wasn't until later that I wondered why he had to take my shirt off to do an x-ray. Shit, I feel so dirty!
I had to wait until fucking 2 p.m. for the stress test. I sat on my bed waiting, waiting, waiting. I watched a marathon of "Night Visions" on the Sci-Fi channel hosted by Henry Rollins. I also watched some shit movie called "Spring Break" (http://imdb.com/title/tt0086352/plotsummary) on Comedy Central. I read some sappy ass story about Carson Daly's mom in Reader's Digest. I was going fucking insane.
Finally, they take me down in another stretcher to the Stress Test Room. I was the youngest guy in a room of 60-year-olds.
Basically, the stress test is the doctors putting cardiac patients on a treadmill and having them run to see if anything happens. How fucking smart is that? At first, I refused to run. I walked really fast. But when the machine inclined to Everest proportions and the belt spinning around like a step-dad convention, I had to run. Thank God my heart turned out to be fine! I didn't die.
The cardiologist was pleased and sent me back to my room. Unfortunately, I had to wait for my primary doctor to return to work to read all the results of my tests and approve my check-out. It was 3 p.m. and he didn't arrive to work until 6:30 p.m. Yeah!
Did you know that there is some Hindu-offshoot religion in India that eats human flesh? Or that it's South Park Tech Week? Well, I do, because I sat on my fat ass in front of a television for a day and a half. I hate T.V. now. I hate sitting in bed now. Maybe hospitals do that on purpose?
Anyhow, the physician showed up, and finally let me go. But not after my ex-fiancee showed up to visit.
"Are you mad at me?"
"I just had a heart attack. Please don't stress me out."
"So you are mad at me. I knew it."
"Let's talk about something else. Did you hear about that guy who could turn his head around 180 deg ..."
"Oh my God! You hate me! But I came to visit you! Aren't you feeling better? Why do you hate me?
"I don't know."
I wonder what brought all this on?
User Reviews
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-08 22:22:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-05-05 20:57:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can empathize with the ambulance trip.
Me: "Ugh... What happened?"
EMT: "Are you okay?"
Me: "Yeah, I'm fine. What happened?"
EMT: "We found you passed out in the bathroom."
This was at a bar when I was 14, though.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-05-05 20:26:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The heart attack = your trump card"
Now you can beat get those feminazis who throw child birth in your face. Whores.
This post has the highest ratio of references to sentences I have ever read.
Oh and I'm glad you're not dead.
Banga
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-05-05 19:59:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-05-05 16:30:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
glad you're not dead
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-05-05 11:30:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me laugh out loud:
"Sir, open your mouth and put this under tounge. It will taste bad and give you a headache, but take it quickly."
"Sounds like eating out my ex. What is it?"
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-05-05 11:11:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck it...this was funny as hell.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-05-05 11:10:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for heart attacks!
Could have been a +2 if you had kicked the proverbial bucket, THEN wrote this!
Submitted by CunningVision (user info) at 2005-05-05 10:35:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
After all of the other tests, they offered to do a heart catheter.
"Um ... no thank you."
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-05-05 09:55:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man that sucks... I had heart surgery a couple years ago (I'm 26), and it was pretty much the same thing, except I was ready for it, and I had to have nurses check the places where the heart-catheter things went in (that happened to be on either side of my groin, yeay!)
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-05-05 09:44:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Inso - Seriously! I had all the signs, difficulty breathing, pain in the upper-left side of my chest, extending up my neck, etc . . . and somehow this has to do with my freaking stomach?! WHY I didn't head for the emergency room, I have no idea.
Submitted by InsoManiac (user info) at 2005-05-05 09:34:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-05-05 08:08:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Amazing. I've got myself a wee bit of the ol' hypocondria, and I had myself convinced that I had been (quietly and in the most dignified way possible) suffering through a series of mini-heart attacks for a while. When I finally did talk to my doctor about it, he diagnosed me with a mild case of acid reflux. I can't imagine how scary the real thing must be.
Go you!
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I was in the hospital for a day and a half once, with SEVERE chest/upper abdomen pains, so bad I couldnt stand up straight. A day and a half of tests later, they ruled everything out and said, and I quote "must be acid reflux". Huh. Must be. Assholes.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-05-05 08:30:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. This post has more synonymns than a thing that's really full of synonymns.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-05-05 08:17:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow that sux, great post! lay off the bacon.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-05-05 08:08:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amazing. I've got myself a wee bit of the ol' hypocondria, and I had myself convinced that I had been (quietly and in the most dignified way possible) suffering through a series of mini-heart attacks for a while. When I finally did talk to my doctor about it, he diagnosed me with a mild case of acid reflux. I can't imagine how scary the real thing must be.
Go you!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-05 01:58:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw this on MRR and really thought it was going to be a Fat Tony post.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-05-05 01:46:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-05-05 01:33:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
When the jerks did their presentation, I sat in the back of the room drawing funny pictures on the shitty little booklet they handed out. If there was a test, I would've been fucked.
Fuck those guys.
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Hilarious as it would be, you can't actually fire someone for bad posture.
Submitted by EternalDragon (user info) at 2005-05-05 01:41:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn...heart attack at 27?
Well +2 for surviving a heart attack.
Also this is a great defense if anyone is ever giving you shit
Person: bla bla bla
You: Well have you survived a heart attack? Didn't think so; shut the fuck up.
The heart attack = your trump card
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-05-05 01:33:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When the jerks did their presentation, I sat in the back of the room drawing funny pictures on the shitty little booklet they handed out. If there was a test, I would've been fucked.
Fuck those guys.
Submitted by CunningVision (user info) at 2005-05-05 01:14:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Stevie - Those 'ergonomic' speeches? I HATE those! "Raise your chair up slightly, tilt your screen down ... ah, that should make you feel better."
A-holes.
Submitted by PrescriptionX (user info) at 2005-05-05 01:10:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
TV does suck, I'm alarmed it took a heart attack for you to find that out!
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-05-05 01:09:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If the stress doesn't kill you, the smoking and drinking you do to combat the stress will. I can't wait to be a cynical old bastard, complaining about the good ol' days when we could smoke and drink at the desk.
I actually think that would LIGHTEN the stress around here. It would increase typos but we wouldn't give a fuck about 'em.
Everyone at my office has obvious problems...yet the company is getting inspectors to come around to tell us that the rips in the carpet aren't safe and that our chairs are ruining our posture. Fuckers. There are some nights when I leave here stressed and depressed out of my mind and they're worried about my POSTURE??? Mufuckers.
Submitted by CunningVision (user info) at 2005-05-05 00:51:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha! Well, this old guy at work keeps warning me about burning out quick. He had this knowing look on his face as the EMTs wheeled me out of the office.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-05-05 00:44:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by CunningVision (user info) at 2005-05-05 00:06:23 (#)
Ranking: 0
When I got into this business, stevie, I had no idea how stressful it was. Dude, if I ever had to work at a daily, I'd shoot myself.
---
I'm going to shoot myself if I ever have to go back to a weekly. But then again, I love stress. I'm just going to ignore the fact that my grandfather and my uncle died from heart attacks until it's too late.
GO BURNOUT AT 35 WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Submitted by bush_for_god (user info) at 2005-05-05 00:25:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry mang
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-05-05 00:23:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2005-05-04 23:43:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
Walk it off
====================
Christ! you are something else....+2
Anyway, good story CV
Submitted by UniBrowZIT (user info) at 2005-05-05 00:06:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome...
Submitted by CunningVision (user info) at 2005-05-05 00:06:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
When I got into this business, stevie, I had no idea how stressful it was. Dude, if I ever had to work at a daily, I'd shoot myself.
Submitted by Zackstersmackster (user info) at 2005-05-05 00:04:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had the same thing happen last year, but it didn't turn out to be an MI either.
Hospitals suck.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-05-04 23:53:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A guy at our paper had an aneurysm while sitting at his desk. He recovered and he still works here. Another guy broke his leg....while at a desk.
+2 for working at a weekly. My time will soon come.
Submitted by Duke_Diggler (user info) at 2005-05-04 23:44:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good story.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2005-05-04 23:43:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Walk it off
+2 for almost dying
Submitted by CunningVision (user info) at 2005-05-04 23:43:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I remember that Bob. There was a big controversy about whether or not the foot was touching the rope, right? Good times.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-05-04 23:39:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hulk hogan actually picked Andre the Giant up in a body slam in Wrestlemania III. So have faith, brotha. Keep sayin' them prayers and taking those vitamins.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-05-04 23:37:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yup, you described it pretty accurately. I know because I work in a hospital and poke people with needles.
Glad to hear you're feeling better.
Submitted by CunningVision (user info) at 2005-05-04 23:36:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shite! It's supposed to say Andre the Giant. Oh, and I'm 27 years old, in case anyone was wondering.