You will get better, it's inevitable. (901 hits)
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Rating: 1.76 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Corn Nugget (View user info) at 2005-05-05 01:52:34 EDT
We sat on the couch facing the coffin. My mother and I squeezed between the random people who thought it would be polite to sit with us for a bit.
The crying came and went. Sometimes I could look at my dads facetious grin (factitious because he never really seemed to smile like that) without emotion, of course a second glance would send the tears from my eyes and down my cheeks.
"He looks so great... wow, they did a great job, didn't they?"
"It's obvious that he knew the... well, obviously they knew each other, because look how well they preserved his expression."
"How are you?"
etc etc etc ... Why does everyone feel the need to extrapolate on how great a dead body looks? It doesn't look great, it looks dead. It looks cold and unmoving. It looks unfair. It looks unbearable. It is my dad, but he doesn't look good enough for me to touch. I can not place my hand upon his, because I imagine it's cold and hard and... a dead hand.
Erica brings her daughter up to the coffin. The blonde three year old leans in and kisses his forehead, then wipes her mouth. "What's wrong with Carl?" she asks.
Jesse's brother stands before the open casket, reaches into his pocket, and takes out a camera. I sit on that same couch, not believing what I'm seeing. I deny it- there is no way that someone is taking a picture of my dead father.
But he did.
I can't stand to think of the nights I would call him, in tears, lamenting this problem or that. I can't stand to remember how he used to sit in his chair, staunchly controlling the dogs and the television. I can't stand any of it.
Sometimes I feel the need to tell people about him. About how he's gone. I suppose I'm hoping for someone to understand, yet they never do. How could someone I met two weeks ago fathom how I feel now that my dad is gone?
It's as if I'm reaching out, knowing those who I want help from are incapable of helping.
As odd as it is, some good has come of this. My empathy for others, which has always been high, has risen even higher. I realize the importance of going out of my way, I know that I can't take anyone for granted, and it's much easier for me to appreciate other people.
When my dad died, my boss was surprisingly apathetic. Although she came to the funeral, she was very stingy about my time off, my recovery, and my pain. It angered me to no end. I left the store for many reasons, but the main reason was that I couldn't work for someone who couldn't sympathize with my situation.
If you have no understanding in your heart for someone who lost their father in a tragic accident, you have no ability to manage people effectively. I could extrapolate on that, but if you are intuitive you will see what I mean without me being redundant.
Last month someone told me that my bosses father had died, unexpectedly, while they were on vacation.
Without thinking, I drove to see her. I went to the woman who offered me little, if any, support when I had lost my own father. I didn't do it to be a "good person", or for any other self-gratifying reason.
Initially we talked about work, about business, about strengths and development. Then she said, "What? Why do you look like that? What's wrong?"
I slowly looked up from the plastic table, and gazed in to her eyes. "I'm so sorry." I couldn't say it without crying.
I saw emotion flash through her face, she forced composure on herself, and said, "I guess I know how you felt, huh?"
Two people learned compassion from two similar situations. Two people became better people, not in SPITE of their losses, but because of them.
As easy as it is to get disgusted with the world, lose faith in humanity, and doubt your core convictions, you can't ignore the good that inevitably comes from everything horrible. If you don't see it now, you will see it soon.
We are all growing, changing and learning. Stagnant lives begin to smell.
User Reviews
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2005-05-05 19:12:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-05-05 18:55:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-05-05 18:44:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Teep- No, the loss isn't worth the gain. I hope you're alright tonight.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-05-05 14:18:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know what's funny?
Sometime tonight will be the exact six-year anniversary of my Dad's death. I've been struggling all day to come up with a way to address how much I'm thinking about it.
Then I read this post. I understand it completely, of course. I've lived a very similar version of the story. And yet, there is so much more to it.
At least, I hope there is. If there isn't, I think this little life-lesson comes at too high a price.
Submitted by clumeister (user info) at 2005-05-05 13:32:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
>We are all growing, changing and learning. Stagnant lives begin to smell.
Wheeew, I was wondering what that smell was.
:P
Submitted by manicvelocity (user info) at 2005-05-05 13:16:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree with everything here. Sometimes bad things happen in order to force good things to happen. Unfortunately, sometimes it's the only way.
My condolences for your loss. I can understand what you're going through, though not entirely. I lost my grandpa when I was younger. I didn't understand the pain of loss until I finally saw his coffin being lowered into the ground. I broke out into uncontrolable tears and didn't know why. It was the first time I had cried since he passed. He received a 21 gun salute for his service in WWII and each gun shot made my heart ache more. I could cry right now just thinking about it.
Thanks for posting this. It reminded me to not take anything or anybody for granted.
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2005-05-05 12:07:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
why do you use such big words like on or and as
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2005-05-05 11:47:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this definitely struck a chord with me. it's been 2 months since my father's passed and dealing with it really doesnt seem to be getting any easier. I dont know about you but most days I try to completely block it all out, the minute I start thinking about it and all of the memories the floodgates are unleased (like right now while I'm sitting here at my desk) it feels good sometimes...there's so much more i'd like to say but will leave it at I'm sorry for your loss (u are probably sick of hearing people say that)thanks for writing this.
Did posting this make you feel any better?
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-05-05 11:11:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry Corinne.
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-05-05 10:56:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-05-05 04:58:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry for your loss and I wait in fear for the day when I can relate.
----------------
Dido.
I got a call at work too about my dad 2 weeks before xmas. Luckily, he was just in emergency heart surgery and he did make it through. He had just gotten a clean bill of health that week, stress tests and echo of the heart. He worked out everyday and watched what he ate. It hit me like a ton of bricks out of no where.
You just never know.
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2005-05-05 10:06:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My condolences. I'm gonna go call my dad.
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2005-05-05 09:49:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Im sorry about your Dad. I do appreciate you sharing this with us though.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-05-05 09:04:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-05-05 08:16:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Compassion is why we're here. It brings us closer to the source.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-05-05 08:01:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-05-05 07:27:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amazing post.
Amazing girl.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-05-05 06:26:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm still in the blissful stage of believing my parents will live forever, but my dad had one of those mild heart attacks a few years ago and he has some health stuff going on. The bliss of ignorance is starting to wear very thin.
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-05-05 06:21:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Condolences for your loss, I lost my father when I was twelve to a heart attack, he went to play cricket and never came back.
For years I raged against the loss, for he was a great man, then I realized that I will probably outlive half the people I know and that I was lucky to have had such a great dad and to have known him at all.
He hasn't gone as his spirit and ideals live on in me and you can't take away my memories.
"Stagnant lives begin to smell."
That was great, I'm going to steal it.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-05 05:13:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-05-05 04:58:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry for your loss and I wait in fear for the day when I can relate.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-05-05 04:13:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I probably should have a comment... but I'm probably unable to relate.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-05-05 04:11:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-05-05 03:39:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cheer up!
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-05-05 03:21:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I never understood how some people feel they must compliment the attractiveness and realism of a dead person at a funeral. Those people are just talking to fill the silence for their own comfort.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-05-05 03:15:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I need to +2 this again
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-05-05 02:56:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It was the worst night of my life, let me go ahead and explain how it happened:
Call at work... accident... parents... should be okay.
Another call... come to the hospital.
"Why?"
just come...
"WHY?"
just come...
"WHY TELL ME RIGHT NOW WHY WHAT HAPPENED???"
"Corinne..."
"No, tell me."
"Corinne..."
"Oh my god. oh my god oh my god tell me"
"Corinne, he didn't make it"
I hung up without saying goodbye, I thought "I should faint now. I need to faint", but I didn't faint... I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and... etc...
It sucked more than I could have imagine it sucking.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-05-05 02:55:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You say things so well miss Nugget.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-05-05 02:48:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have nightmares about getting the phone call that my dad has died. There are some nights where my fears get in my dreams and I have the need to call my parents at 5 a.m.....don't think they'd like that much, though.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2005-05-05 02:35:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're kicking ass around here.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-05-05 02:14:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The main thing my boss did to piss me off was this:
The 1 month aniversary of his death was a VERY hard day for me. I worked for Best Buy, and every morning they have these meetings where all the employees stand in a circle and hear a "go go go YAY!" speach.
I wasn't very "go go go YAY" that day, and my boss stopped the meeting and said "Corinne!! Late night last night??!" ha ha fucking HA. Yes, I probably did look like a mess, and I probably did stink of beer. I spent the night before drinking with my mom, crying into our beers, and being sad, all around.
Everyone turned to look at me, and I blanched. I couldn't talk, because I wanted to cry, and I would have done that whole whiney cry-talk thing. I just stood there staring at her.
Then she said "See her body language? See how her arms are crossed? That sends a signal to people." Everyone observed my body language.
One tear rolled down my cheek, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" I asked, then promptly turned and left the store.
I got wrote up the next day for doing that... even after explaining WHY I was in such a mood.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-05-05 02:11:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Try stepping on the 1/2 inch plywood, covered with astro-turf, that's over the hole,
when all the weight of the casket, including your father, has somehow all been
shifted onto your shoulders by the motherfucking relatives you hate.
CRACK!
Almost took a "dirt-nap" before my time.
Motherfucking relatives!
O, sorry for your loss.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-05-05 02:09:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If there is one thing about HR that I hate it's this fucked up practice of giving people 1 week, 1 lousy week, of 'compassionate' leave. What do they expect people to do? Just dump all their memories of someone and drag themselves to work? It's very, very wrong.
You have my sympathy pretty lady.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-05-05 02:06:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The most touching thing- The day after he died my sisters EX husbands MOTHER came to our house. Then a few minutes later her two daughters came with paper plates, cups, etc... They sat there for hours, talking to us.
How fucking great is that? Seriously. People amaze me.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-05-05 02:04:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very moving and touching. I'm sorry for your loss and what happened to you.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-05-05 02:03:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
PS
aim me: bob000715
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-05-05 02:01:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I went to a funeral today.
The best thing that I could come up with to tell the family is, "if you need me give me a call." After I got back to my seat, i thought to myself how lame that sounded.