Life lessons (585 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.2 on 5 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by antiLemming (View user info) at 2005-05-06 10:49:14 EDT
I hate shopping. I hate shops. I hate the parents, the kids, the crying, the beeping, the shuffling, I hate everything related to, influenced by and associated with shopping. It's funny, then, how I always seem to get in some sort of trouble whenever I have to bite the bullet and venture out to some sort of shopping centre. I only go after 8pm so I don't see too many young children. Also, I'm careful not to go too late so as to avoid the drunken hobo crowd who hang around the front door slinging baked goods at single mothers (as much as I love Dad, he can be quite embarrassing).
So eventually I find myself checking out my armful of pringles and coke when I see a shelf of Yowie chocolates. Imagine Kinder Surprise meets Bear in the Big Blu House, and it's a chocolate-with-cheap-toy kids treat. I was trying to figure out how many weeks wages at the Kinder Surprise toy factory you could pay with the proceeds from just one of these things, when it hit me. The new breed of confectionery for kids: LIFE LESSONS. My marketing spiel is this -
New from the Wonka Life Lessons (TM) range:
BITTER DEFEAT: This candy looks the best. The packaging is immaculate, entrancing, inviting... the contents, however, consist solely of charcoal. This Life Lesson candy teaches children to accept the inevitably bitter taste of defeat, such as that acquired from working a white collar job and marrying a money-grubbing whore who will go on to have an affair with the milkman's mute German cousin Hans.
BLINDING RAGE: Improving upon the unsuccessful "Grievous Bodily Injury Chocolate", this candy treat comes individually wrapped for convenience. The small pocket of pure sodium in the center, however, will ensure that once your child's mouth is literally set on fire from the inside, he will experience a blinding anger like no other. Just think of all the years you'll save him from raising a child who goes on to knock up a local farmer's morbidly obese daughter - he can develop all that rage and more right in the comfort of your own home! One satisfied customer had only this to say; "ARGHLAAAAARGHYARGHAAAUUULLGGGHHH".
PARENTHOOD DROPS: Teach your kids about the joy of parenting with this delicious candy!* Packed with more TCH than a Jimi Hendrix concert, Parenthood Drops will leave you feeling lost, confused, unfulfilled and with a complete lack of grip on reality. Just like raising kids!
*Candy may or may not be delicious
And the one idea I voiced (rather loudly) to my friend Mark:
YOWIE ABORTIONS: One in three Yowie Abortions come with a REAL marsupial foetus inside! Just like pregnancy, you can never tell if a Yowie Abortion will be a sheer delight or a soul-destroying trauma!
I'm having doubts about the Yowie Abortion, judging by the reaction I got from a young woman ahead of me in line at the supermarket, but I remain positive that the others will do just fine.
User Reviews
Submitted by Hands_Rambone (user info) at 2005-05-08 15:59:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yep same shit.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-05-06 19:51:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehehehe..
The mom in me found this hysterical
Added bonus: All the "if only I knew then what I know now" would be taken care of...
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-06 12:16:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-05-06 11:59:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-05-06 11:07:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you're on to something. Personally, why they can't put antipsychotic meds in chocolate and market it to children is beyond me.
I'd buy pounds of this kind of chocolate and wildly hand them out to children.
Kids just bug me.