How Diana's Soused Chauffeur's Bitch Cousin Ruined My Life (an explanation of sorts to my dear Merlina) Part VII (787 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.82 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Danger Ranger <harveyra.at.iprimus.com.au> (View user info) at 2005-05-08 19:02:00 EDT
http://www.ubersite.com/m/59308 - Part I
http://www.ubersite.com/m/59757 - Part II
http://www.ubersite.com/m/60745 - Part III
http://www.ubersite.com/m/63158 - Part IV
http://www.ubersite.com/m/63266 - Part V
http://www.ubersite.com/m/63344 - Part VI
"What did that arse-clown just say?" I thought to myself.
"Hey Thorpe, Danger lives near us!" Repeated Williamson, gushing like an excited girl.
"So it would appear.." Thorpe mused. "It certainly helps centralise our base of operations.. what with communications, deployment - that kind of thing."
Groaning inwardly, I attempted under the weight of my computer to shift into a more upright position, rather than the slumped, defeated posture I had maintained throughout most of the thoroughly tedious journey home.
"Nearly home.." I thought, peering out Thorpe's window. "Thank Christ for that." As we rounded the corner leading into my street Gob Job instructed Hidden to pull over. "Fourth on the right, Hidden. Yeah, just here. Hang on Danger, I'll give you a hand.."
"It's not neccessary.." I started.
Gob Job turned and offered to take my PC. "Here, at least let me take that while you get out."
"Yeah, okay... cheers."
Thorpe opened his door and I climbed out. Gob Job had already opened his and handed me my computer.
"Thanks." I stepped back, and Gob Job closed the door.
"Thank God," I thought, "I'm finally rid of these fuckers. I leaned through Gob Job's open window and addressed Thorpe and Williamson.
"Good riddance, fucksticks. If I evar lay eyes on either of you again I'll take out a restraining order."
I turned to Hidden. "Listen weirdo. Comparatively, you're kind of normal - which still makes you a fucking fruit. Piss off."
Hidden chuckled. "We're gonna do Sophia Loren." He smiled.
"Listen Gramps." I said to Harold, ignoring Hidden. "NEITHER of us know who the fuck you are, but I'M convinced YOU'RE convinced that you're Harold Holt. Sooo, all the way with LBJ... or sumthin'. Gob Job, I don't think we can be mates anymore. You've 'changed'.. you know - from normal, to.. well... odd. I mean, what the fuck's with this whole manservant thing anyway? That's not normal. THESE cunts aren't normal.."
Gob Job smiled his characteristic easy grin. "That's alright, Danger, I understand."
"Right. Well, thanks for the lift." I turned and faced my house. My tower, which I was holding length-ways, enabling me to balance my monitor, keyboard and mouse upon it, slipped 45 degrees. My monitor landed on my toes (I was wearing thongs) and exploded on the footpath. I didn't notice the tiny shards of glass that peppered the skin of my shins (yeah, shorts to), or the dull pain that had begun to throb through my feet. Nor did I hear Gob Job's passenger door open or feel his large hand on my shoulder. What I DID notice was that my house was missing the concrete render, tiled courtyard and various other recently completed renovations.. I also noticed the front bedroom and courtyard lights turning on.. and the stranger opening my front door.
"You okay?" Asked Gob Job.
"What?"
"Your feet are bleeding... and.. you're.. well.. more than likely, a little.. 'fucked up'."
"What the hell's going on out here??" Demanded the stranger who evidently had a key to my front door and who had apparently de-renovated my house. He was striding down the slight slope of the front yard and tying his robe. "What are you doing? Smashing bottles??! Who are.." The Stranger stopped mid-sentence when he spied my broken monitor lying at my feet. "What's that?"
"It's a computer monitor." I replied.
"I can see that, but what's it doing there? Who ARE you?"
"Uh, I'm Danger. And this is Gob Job."
A second stranger, a woman, appeared at my front door. "Honey, what's going on? Is everything okay?"
"Wtf?" I thought. "Are these people having sex in my bed?"
"Call the police Ellen, there's some hooligans out here smashing computer monitors." The Stranger hollered over his shoulder. "They're probably high on drugs." He puffed out his chest and pointed a stubby forefinger in my direction. "I want your REAL names this time smartarse. This is a quiet neighbourhood and louts like you aren't welcome. Come on.." he cupped his hand and gestured with his fingers, "... I wanna see some I.D. - hand it over."
"Err, they ARE our real names." I replied. "And we're not smashing monitors.."
"Sure you're not." He said, looking again at my broken monitor. "Look at your feet, man, and your legs. You're a mess. Probably high on LSD and can't even feel it." He looked at the Jeep of Faith. "Who else is in there? Come on, everybody out!"
Thorpe opened his door, climbed out and walked over to The Stranger. "Hello, sir, name's Thorpe." He offered his hand to The Stranger who out of more reflex action than courtesy extended his and shook Thorpe's.
"U-uh, Tom.."
"There seems to be some kind of misunderstanding here, Tom - perhaps I can clear it up. We are on our way home from a LAN party, we pulled over to let Danger here put his computer in the boot. He had been carrying it on his lap and it was becoming uncomfortable. Unfortunately he dropped his monitor. We're sorry to have woken you."
"A WHAT party?"
"A LAN party. Local Area Network. A bunch of us get together, hook up our PC's, and play games."
"Right." Tom was still trying to peer through the tinted windows of the Jeep. "So, who else is in there?"
"Honey!" Tom's friend Ellen had reappeared at my front door. "Is everything okay? The police are on their way. Do you want your nine iron?"
"Err, call them back, dear. Everything's in order here... I guess.."
"Are you sure, honey? I could call your friends from the Army Reserve.."
"No, no, everything's fine." He looked again at my feet and legs. "You might want to get some iodine." He called back. "One of these chaps has had a bit of an ac..." he stopped short.
Williamson had climbed out of the boot of the Jeep of Faith and was striding purposefully toward Tom, hand outstretched. "Williamson's the name. Army Reserve, hey? What regiment? I'm planning to go to Duntroon after school and.."
"ELLENNNNNN!!!!!!!!!! WHERE THE HELL ARE THE COPS??!!!!" Tom was backpedalling up the slope of my front yard as Williamson pursued him, hand still outstretched, overcoat open and incy-wincy peener swinging freely as best as something really, really small can swing, um, freely.
Williamson's stride faltered and he quickly pulled his overcoat closed. "O-ohh, shhi-iittttttttttt. I'm sorry - I can explain.."
"HONEYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CALL THE REGIMENT!!!!!!!"
Hidden had lowered his window and was halfway out of the car and calling across the roof. "Williamson!! Get in the fucking car!! Come on Gob Job, let's get the fuck out of here!"
Harold stepped out of the Jeep of Faith and onto the footpath. "Can I help you with that, Danger?" He asked, gesturing to my PC.
"How the fuck did he get out?!!" Thorpe was marching toward Harold. "I've told you a fucking million times Williamson - leave the fucking child safety lock 'ON'!!!!!!!!"
"Who's that?" Tom, who had adopted and remained in a comical karate pose after having a half naked Williamson bear down on him, was looking at Harold. "He looks familiar.."
"I'm Harold Holt." Harold replied, "Pleased to meet you.." Harold, hand outstretched, had started to advance up the lawn towards Tom.
"ELLLLLENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!"
Thorpe intercepted Harold and manhandled him back towards the car and eventually into the rear seat, where Williamson already sat, muttering something about size not mattering. He closed the door and headed up the slope. "Tom, Tom, I'm sorry, that's my grandfather, he's.."
"Get in the fucking car, Thorpe!!" Hidden was once more sitting half out of the Jeep and calling across the roof. Approaching sirens could now be heard in the distance.
"Throw that in the boot, Danger." Gob Job said. "We'd better get out of here."
"Yeah, o-okay." A small alarmbell was ringing in my head and I was having difficulty equating it to an existing or potential problem.
"Come on." Gob Job was now ushering me to the rear of the Jeep. He opened the rear door and I placed my PC on the carpeted floor.
"What the fuck's going on, Gob Job?"
"We've travelled back in time exactly one year." He said softly. "Get in the car and I'll explain. Come on, those sirens are getting pretty close." Gob Job slammed the boot shut and quickly walked to the passenger side front door. I followed and stopped to face Tom.
"Tom, listen carefully. You're going to sell your house."
"Wha.."
"Shut up Tom and listen. Don't be tempted to ask for too much. The market is starting to plateau Tom. Set a realistic price, and then be prepared to get talked-down sixty, seventy grand. I know about the leak in the rumpus room. And we both know those mango trees in the back yard have been planted way to close to the house. They're going to fuck the retaining wall. They're gonna have to come down and the wall will need replacing."
"Who ARE you??!"
"I'm Danger, Tom. We've been through this. I have to go.
"What? Hey! What type of plates are those?? And that thing's left-hand drive.."
Gob Job and I opened our doors, climbed into the Jeep of Faith, slammed them shut, and, engine revving, Hidden dropped the clutch, tyres squealed and we lurched forward and fish-tailed our way up the hill.
"Niiiiice, Danger." Gob Job was looking at me in the rear vision mirror. "Seventy grand? VERY calm - considering the circumstances. Smooth."
Tom was standing near my broken 17" Samsung monitor, mouth open, throwing his arms in the air. Ellen ran down the slope of the front yard to join him. They stood and stared with puzzled expressions as we shot around the corner at the top of the street and disappeared.
Glossary for Rad
------------------------
Arse-clown: Williamson
Boot: Trunk
Centralise: Centralize
Chap: Fella
Cheers: It's about goddamn fucking time
Child Safety Lock: Something you find on the side of a gun
Courtesy: Uh... nevermind
Footpath: Sidewalk
Girl: Ho'
Good Riddance: Fuck Off
Harold Holt: Former Australian Prime Minister, went missing taking a swim. Theories ranged from shark-bait to kidnapped by Chinese mini-sub.
Hooligan: Gangster
Intercepted: What your missile defence system has never done
Lout: Trailer Trash
Mate: Anyone in the Coalition of the Willing
Nine Iron: The Australian equivalent of anything Charlton Heston thinks is your divine right to stick in your bedside table/wardrobe.
Piss Off: see 'Good Riddance'
Smart-arse: Smart-ass
Tedious: Your government's insistance that Saddam has/had WMD's
Thongs: Not what Shlongy wears to the beach. Footwear.
Woman: Bitch
-To be continued for recalcitrant two or three-
User Reviews
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-05-16 16:44:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I started that book about the greeks, DM. I'll let you know.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-16 14:01:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/66233#1327313
WHAT???
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-14 23:41:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-05-14 23:39:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-14 23:29:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-05-13 00:13:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
GET A FUCKING LIFE HOMO
-==--=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=--=
SON OF A WHORE BITCH GAH!!!
----------------------
FUCK! FUCKING CUNT MOTHERFUCER!
-=-=-==--=-=-=-=
FUCKING PIGDOG SLUT MONKEYTOAST!
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-05-14 23:39:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-14 23:29:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-05-13 00:13:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
GET A FUCKING LIFE HOMO
-==--=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=--=
SON OF A WHORE BITCH GAH!!!
----------------------
FUCK! FUCKING CUNT MOTHERFUCER!
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-14 23:29:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-05-13 00:13:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
GET A FUCKING LIFE HOMO
-==--=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=--=
SON OF A WHORE BITCH GAH!!!
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-05-13 00:13:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
GET A FUCKING LIFE HOMO
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-10 05:41:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You guys are chodes
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-05-10 05:34:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
True, true.
QUIET EVERYBODY! DON'T MAKE SOMEONE +1 IT!
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-10 05:27:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's all my "Here ends the reviews" reviews that did it. We better shut up so noone else sees this and +1's it.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-05-10 04:53:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I reckon. No way is this a best ever.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-10 04:39:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know why.
This story sucks.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-10 04:25:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And I'm into Tuesday night. Woo!
Oh, BEST EVER page.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-10 04:09:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-09 08:10:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-09 07:01:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
It's still the weekend for me!!!
YAY!!!!!
W0000!!!!
--=-=-=-=-=-=-====--=-
Lucky bitch. Actually, I don't have to go through Monday again... Huzzah!
=====================================
Fuck.
I am 3 hours into monday.
Fuck.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-10 03:46:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 my Dangerous Rangerous friend. +2.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-05-10 02:33:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-05-09 20:15:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How pretty IS Williamson, exactly?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-05-09 02:36:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
Cheers Williamson, you're not nearly as pretty as Crystle, but I appreicate the effort.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-09 08:10:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-09 07:01:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
It's still the weekend for me!!!
YAY!!!!!
W0000!!!!
--=-=-=-=-=-=-====--=-
Lucky bitch. Actually, I don't have to go through Monday again... Huzzah!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-09 07:01:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's still the weekend for me!!!
YAY!!!!!
W0000!!!!
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-09 06:33:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, you minged him up pretty harsh there cindy.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-05-09 06:31:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-09 05:46:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
D_R_M
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-09 05:41:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Dinger_Ringer_Minger
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-09 05:36:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
Danger_Ranger: Minger
------
God what did I start? Poor old Danger_Minger
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-09 06:10:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just a few more pointless reviews and we can get this on best ever.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-09 05:46:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
D_R_M
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-09 05:41:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dinger_Ringer_Minger
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-09 05:36:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Danger_Ranger: Minger
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-09 05:35:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-05-08 19:57:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
Here ends the reviews.
============================
pussy.
But just about correct.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-09 05:25:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-09 02:31:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-09 01:18:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-09 01:08:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-08 20:56:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-05-08 19:57:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
HERE ends the reviews.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-05-09 05:13:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very god but appalled I'm never in it apart from the title!!
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-05-09 02:36:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cheers Williamson, you're not nearly as pretty as Crystle, but I appreicate the effort.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-09 02:31:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-09 01:18:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-09 01:08:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-08 20:56:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-05-08 19:57:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
Here ends the reviews (damnit!)!!!!!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-05-09 02:14:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the glossary!
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-09 01:18:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-09 01:08:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-08 20:56:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-05-08 19:57:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
Here ends the reviews !?!?
Submitted by transhuman (user info) at 2005-05-09 01:14:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-09 01:08:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-08 20:56:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-05-08 19:57:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
Here ends the reviews?
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-05-09 00:57:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Saxon. I, personally, love the spelling. Wrote this last night when I waspished.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-05-09 00:23:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is awesome. loved the glosary.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-08 20:56:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-05-08 19:57:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
Here ends the reviews.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-05-08 19:57:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Here ends the reviews.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-08 19:36:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy bloody excellent. I was really trying my best not to laugh at work, but still got some wierd looks. Well done DR. Well done!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-08 19:23:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm really glad there was a glossary.
Cunt.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-05-08 19:16:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OK fine I read it, and it fucking ruled. Bye.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-05-08 19:11:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DAMMIT
You caught me running out the door... why was I refreshing Uber you say?
BECAUSE I HAVE NO LIFE!
I will read this tonight.