I get no Pussy so I break Shit (1365 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.2 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by RenTheUnsightly (View user info) at 2005-05-09 03:22:38 EDT
Alcohol is a bad drug. And I have a habit of gorging on anything I consume. If it wasn't for this combination of circumstance I would be a pretty lame 19 college nerd. Perhaps I'm still a lame nerd, but I'm a lame nerd with a penchant for uncontrolled drinking. Which leads to funny shit. But never pussy. Along with being bad at drinking, I'm bad at being a heterosexual man. I like to think I'm a reasonbly intelligent, funny guy, but I'm bad in one-on-one situations. One-on-girl situations, more so. I have to be completely confortable. Even alcohol doesn't always work. In fact, there's a very small space in between not-drunk-enough-to-be-at-ease and too-drunk-to-make-sense. From then its inevitably, too-drunk-to-not-curse-at-women-and-not-scrape-skin-onto-sidewalk.
In Montreal I learned to mix caffeine with alcohol. Really. Coffe-Vodkas, they were called. I literally triple-jumped my way from the hotel to downtown. That night I was determined to get women naked, for free. Strip bars were good, but I wanted pussy. The first girls me and my friends meet convince us to take them to a strip bar. After not being able to make an impression on my girl I tell her to fuck off and they leave. My friends are a bit confused and I act like I don't know what happened. This is typical of my interactions with girls in social situations. Later that night, we made out with random sluts at a burger king, but we went home alone. We leave that morning and I decide to finish our alcohol and smoke all of this weed I had bought from a starving pot-head. I was so retarded stoned and drunk that I rolled on the street for a block before my friends decided that a cab would be a more efficient and less deadly way to get to the bus station. And that was the wildest, awesomest night of my life.
Its helpful to put things in perspective.
Often, I don't even plan on drinking, then, a small amount of goading and a few shots later, I am well on my way to becoming a level-orange terrorist alert for the night. One night, after walking back from a party at another dorm--a walk I don't remember, of course--I decided to punch out the industrial style window of a bathroom in the main building complex of campus. Appearantly there was no pretext: I just solemnly and silently made the decision to break a fucking window with a right-straight. You have to imagine it from my friends' perspective: they're taking a good healthy piss, they perhaps note my departure from the urinal, hear a loud crash, then sprinting feet heading out the door--their dicks are still in their hands and they see me only as a blur. I avoided facing responsibility for my actions because, understadibly, neither the janitors who were outside the bathroom nor the doctor who stitched me up cared enough to enforce my university's right to not have its property destroyed.
I don't think I was even upset that night. I just always wanted to break a window, and if I think of something stupid when I'm drunk, I have to do it.
Final thought: college blows--I just wanna drink and watch movies and get into fights. Also, I would get much more pussy if I was Mirko Filipovic (the flying one, not the one about to get his shit ruined)
User Reviews
Submitted by JohnnyTruant (user info) at 2007-01-21 19:29:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
DON'T WORRY I DO TOO
Submitted by r1nce (user info) at 2007-01-21 19:07:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I can't believe I'm the only person who thinks this is a ponderous pile of garbage.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2007-01-21 18:37:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Women like cool guys, not nervous, wasted, obnoxious kids. Quit drinking so much, treat them like people rather than holes, and maybe you'll get some.
The more you know...
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-01-21 18:05:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-05-09 15:53:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
maybe some gg allen for you?
drink, fight, fuck.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-05-09 10:34:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-05-09 09:41:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed because I know a Dude like you who does the same shit. I tell him; you wanna get a woman in your bed then you need to quit acting like Andrew Dice Clay on methamphetamine.
Submitted by InsoManiac (user info) at 2005-05-09 10:32:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 only because I too have hooked up with the random girl at Burger King.
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-05-09 09:44:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm bad at being a heterosexual man.
I feel this way sometimes.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-05-09 09:41:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed because I know a Dude like you who does the same shit. I tell him; you wanna get a woman in your bed then you need to quit acting like Andrew Dice Clay on methamphetamine.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-05-09 08:44:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by UberWeiss (user info) at 2005-05-09 03:44:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm still stuck the fact you met chicks at a burger king....
The mind boggles.
UW
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Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-05-09 08:30:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
And you call yourself a nerd. Us Nerds lóve college. Bumpkin.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-05-09 08:21:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
" I rolled on the street for a block before my friends decided that a cab would be a more efficient and less deadly way to get to the bus station"
I want to party with you.
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2005-05-09 08:21:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Guys that go out 'looking for pussy'.
How fucking alpha male of you.
Maybe a wooden club and some grunting would help you find a female for your amusement. You could drag her back to your cave and have your way with her.
Give me a break.
Stop trying so goddamn hard. Let it happen on its own. Learn how to make friends with ladies; it will go a long way into helping you to understand the female psyche.
And stop watching so much UFC or whatever the fuck that is, and learn how to dance. Chicks dig it. Also, lay off the drinks so much and stick to the pot; it will open your mind to avenues yet to be explored.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-05-09 06:54:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not 'fuck shit up' type of terrorist though. Just regular, boozy, 'lets sing a jolly song and talk about boobs loudly and maybe come right with a lass' type of terrorist.'
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-05-09 06:51:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Often, I don't even plan on drinking, then, a small amount of goading and a few shots later, I am well on my way to becoming a level-orange terrorist alert for the night."
Yup yup.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-05-09 06:22:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Meh, grow up n it willstop bieng funny. I bet jackass is your favourite show eh?
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-09 05:35:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm only plus2ing this because it was well written and I once punched a glass window through.
It was mine though, that's why I'm tempted to knock points off. I hate people that go round trying to get into fights and smashing stuff up.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-05-09 05:03:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-05-09 04:42:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
coffe
Submitted by snarf (user info) at 2005-05-09 04:27:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Tajiri's about to get monkey stomped!!
Submitted by CLAIRE1 (user info) at 2005-05-09 04:25:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Confidence my man. You need it. You sound cool, you either need more cool friends or you need to hang out with a lot more girls. The more you hang out with chicks, the better you can get with them.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-05-09 04:06:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like you.
Submitted by UberWeiss (user info) at 2005-05-09 03:44:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm still stuck the fact you met chicks at a burger king....
The mind boggles.
UW
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2005-05-09 03:42:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by frap (user info) at 2005-05-09 03:28:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hate you
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-05-09 03:27:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pimp?
No, but whatever.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-05-09 03:26:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going with a +2.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2005-05-09 03:26:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, honey, I didn't get drunk, I just went to a strange fantasy world.
-- Homer Simpson
El Viaje Misterioso De Nuestro Jomer
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Man, I WISH I had this much fun. Seriously.