It could have happened just like this. (923 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: songposts
Rating: 2 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Bigmike (View user info) at 2005-05-09 12:51:02 EDT
Ed note:
Thanks to Jack and his theme song post, I have "All in the Family" stuck in my mind. This is a story of what might have happened back in the day.
Carrol O'Connor was having a bad day. It was nearly eight O'clock in the evening and the live episode of "All in the Family" that was airing tonight wasn't even close to being ready to go. He was sick of the continual delays caused by Rob's bathroom breaks and Sally's constant need for snacks. And the way Jean talked, staying in character even when they were not shooting made him cringe with terror. "Tonight will be different," he thought. "Tonight will definitely be different."
It was sometime after seven forty five when the entire cast was ready to go live. Carroll entered the set to an incredible round of applause and took his place. He surveyed the audience and realized that tonight they were performing to a packed house. "Better yet," he thought as the stage director gave him his cue that they were about to begin.
"Boy, the way Glen Miller played.
Songs that made the Hit Parade.
Guys like us, we had it made.
Those were the days!"
"ARCHIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE," screamed Edith Bunker from upstairs. "ARCHIEEEEEEEEE, THE TERLET'S BACKED UP AGAIN!!"
"Awww geez," was Archie Bunkers reply. He got up out of his armchair and walked to the base of the stairs. "Did the meathead do something strange up in that terlet again?" he yelled up to Edith. Just as he said this, Michael and Gloria entered the living room from the kitchen.
"What are you blaming me for now Arch?" Michael asked.
"Aww, you plugged up the damn terlet again, Meathead."
"Don't call Michael meathead, daddy," Gloria chimed in.
"Yeah, c'mon Arch, you know I don't like it when you call me that," Michael replied.
"ARCHIEEEEEEE, IT'S GETTING ALL OVER THE FLOOR!!!," Edith Bunker screamed in her trademark caterwauling.
"Awwww Geez. I'll be up in a minute Edith," Archie replied.
Archie crossed the room, bumping slightly into Michael and Gloria, and disappeared into the kitchen, grumbling to himself under his breath.
"Ma, can you mop up the water that's all over the floor?" asked Gloria from her vantage point at the bottom of the stairs.
"IT'S ALL OVER THE FLOOR AND I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TOWELS!!!!!" screamed Edith. Michael and Gloria just looked at each other, helpless as to what to do.
Michael started up the stairs as Archie came bolting out of the kitchen.
"Didn't need no welfare state.
Everybody pulled his weight
Gee, our old LaSalle ran great.
Those were the days!"
Sally saw the look on Carroll's face as he crossed the stage to go into the kitchen. She knew he was in a bad mood tonight, but she had never quite seen him looking so irritated. His face was beet red, and his posture was so tense, she thought he was going to burst. Rob had talked to Sally earlier in the night about his concerns towards Carrol. Rob thought that Carroll was heading for a nervous breakdown. It doidn't help that Jean was constantly in character. That drove Carroll nuts.
As Rob was heading up the stairs to pretend to see what was wrong with the pretend toilet, Carroll came bursting out of the set door where the kitchen was supposed to be. He presumed that Carroll was carrying the prop plunger that was written in the script.
Gloria turned around to also see Carroll come out of the kitchen door. She looked at him carefully, as if she couldn't quite understand what was happening. Carroll came running out of the kitchen carrying not a plunger, but a double barrelled shotgun. Sally looked at him strangely and said, "Daddy, what are you doing with that?" being careful to stay in character.
"And you knew where you were then!
Girls were girls and men were men.
Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again."
"Daddy, what are you doing with that?" Gloria said as Archie came bolting out of the kitchen, shotgun in hand. Her voice was trembling a bit.
"Something I shoulda done a long time ago," was Archie's reply as he raised the shotgun up and pulled the trigger, taking off the top half of Gloria's head. Gloria dropped to the floor like a ton of lead.
"What.......what the hell?" Michael said as he saw, but couldn't believe what had just happened. He looked out in the audience briefly and found that they all were enjoying the performance. They thought it was part of the show.
"I got something for you too, MEATHEAD!" Achie said as he squared the gun at Michael and blew a huge hole right through his chest. Michael fell back against the wall, and then tumbled down three stairs to fall right at Archie's feet.
"I'M COMING UP EDITH, I'M COMING TO FIX THE DAMN TERLET!" he said as he bounded up the stairs two at a time, reloading as he went.
"People seemed to be content.
Fifty dollars paid the rent.
Freaks were in a circus tent.
Those were the days!"
The audience was just sitting there, taking the performance in. Most of them had seen the show on television, but had never seen it live. As they watched Carroll O'Connor bound up the stairs, they thought it was all part of the show. When they saw the stage hands and director come out on the stage to see what had happened to Rob and Sally, they knew something was up.
BOOM! came the report from the shotgun as Carroll shot Jean Stapleton square in the chest. The last thing the audience heard before they all got up and started to run was Carrol O'Connor yelling "WHERE'S THAT NIGGER JEFFERSON?!?!?!?!" in his best Archie Bunker yet.
Carroll came running down the stairs looking wild eyed and ready for action. He saw the audience fleeing through the exits at the back of the theater, he looked left and saw Sherman Hemsley and Isabel Sanford running out the side stage door. They were scheduled to be in the next act but started to run when the realized that Carroll was out of his mind. Carroll started to run after them, following them out the door and up a hallway to the outside exit doors. He saw them at the end of the hall, raised his gun and pulled both triggers at once. The report was deafening and the rounds took Isabel Sanfords head clean off her shoulders. Sherman had gotten out the door first. He had gotten away.
As Carrol was reloading the shotgun, a dozen uniformed police came running through the exit door that Sherman Hemsley had just exited through. Carrol looked up and saw them coming, guns drawn.
"Awwww Geez," was all he said as he put the shotgun into his mouth and pulled the trigger.
"Take a little Sunday spin,
go to watch the Dodgers win.
Have yourself a dandy day that cost you under a fin.
Hair was short and skirts were long.
Kate Smith really sold a song.
I don't know just what went wrong!
Those were the days!"
User Reviews
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-08-29 23:37:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2005-05-10 22:25:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She USED to be a sure boner creator.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2005-05-10 22:23:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no shit! she must be downing the releif supplies on the way over.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-05-10 22:13:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2005-05-10 22:02:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
now you would need to use an elephant gun to take down gloria.
No shit. You think all those trips to Cambodia or wherever the hell she went to would have helped her. :)
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2005-05-10 22:02:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
now you would need to use an elephant gun to take down gloria.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-05-09 19:34:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too bad he didn't smoke Lionel or any of Meatheads other hippy friends.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-09 19:27:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know what to make of this...
rate the poster and not the post?
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-05-09 16:31:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now both of those songs are playing in my head...at the same time...by crickets...
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-05-09 13:38:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-05-09 13:05:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Guess what else will be stuck in your head today?
Well we're movin on up,
To the east side.
To a deluxe apartment in the sky.
Movin on up,
To the east side.
We finally got a piece of the pie.
Hahahahahaha!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-05-09 13:04:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Poor Weezy.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-05-09 13:01:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew that post of Jack's was going to cause trouble.