Sexual Blunders (2128 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 0.67 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mr J (View user info) at 2005-05-09 16:49:10 EDT
My experience with sexual encounters have had a tendency to kick me in the teeth without remorse. It's not a problem to decieve a female into believing my lies about loving her and rub my sweaty crotch on her, nor getting her to shove her nose in that horrible case of swamp ass I have. The real trouble lies in fate, and what it has delivered to me in a steaming pile on my doorstep.
Let's endulge, shall we:
Had been pursuing this recently-of-age hottie whom I worked with, broken the ice, and eventually started dating. She looked past the fact that I practically lived in shack, and I looked past that her parents were plotting to kill me, while on the shitter. As much fun as manipulating a virgin to open her panty store-front so that I can suck all that is innocent and holy out of her is, we finally managed to sail the ole steakship to tunatown. Now, what we BELIEVED was that her parents weren't coming home for ours.... but apparently I didn't get the memo that a few hours= 30 minutes. Needless to say, they walked into a room with full view of hairy ass pulverizing their precious, sweet 18 yr old daughter. ALSO needless to say, I hightailed it out of there naked before daddy could grab the kitchen knife...
But sure, something of this can happen to anyone, right? Sorry, my friend, you will now feel my pain:
We've all had the "Just meet a girl, go into the woods, and get some head" right? The oral sex with the hot stranger in the woods. Good times.... As pertains to this article, the only good time that was had were by the local police department.... since most of them shown up. Not did ONE cop come back and discover her head bobbing in a sweet, rythmic motion... but an entire squad. Apparently, someone reported that I dragged her back there to rape her. Wow I say, what a fun night that was. SHE didn't get raped, but I almost did back at the station while they 'investigated over night'. Thankfully, I still retain my anal virginity to this day due to 2" steel bars separating me from a very large, horny man.
Still convinced you have it worse?
Of course we have the:
-2 'girlfriends' coming over at the same time in skimpy clothing.
-my mother walking in on me naked with a girl
-my sister walking in on me naked with a girl
-my father walking in on me naked with a girl
-being too drunk and slipping it into her ass by mistake
-using too much lube and slipping at the last minute and spunking on her stomach
-not telling her when I was "there" during oral and hitting her smack in the eye.
-Hittin' it doggy style and having my knee slip off the side of the bed, pulling us both down on the floor
-gettin it on in a car, and having a security gaurd catch us
-etc.
So, next time you feel embarrassed/inadequate, remember my destiny of being beaten in the ribs until submission. .... that or just learn how to make roofie coladas.....
JACKPOT!
User Reviews
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-10-19 02:07:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
shit i've racked up much much worse sexual blunders than that and im only 18
Submitted by celine (user info) at 2005-10-19 01:53:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow. Your first post ever is terrible, and none of your posts since have even gotten a positive rating.
Welcome (again) to Uber.
Submitted by Darshiscool (user info) at 2005-10-19 01:28:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
SUCKS
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-05-30 19:41:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i bet you masterbate gophers, store their seed in a pickle jar, and spread it on your BLTs!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-05-10 08:54:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome.
Submitted by JHoersten2 (user info) at 2005-05-10 01:44:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahaha. that was great... yet didn't make any sense at all. good times.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-05-09 23:46:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You think that's bad?
Try having her dad walk in...
Naked!
while she's asleep!
and a cat!
and she's dead!
And you're a rake!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-05-09 23:09:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Everybody else gets the good sexual stories, while I get...
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2004-08-26 00:21:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
my last girlfriend was really bad at giving head, and she hated to swallow. Well one time after nearly an hour i told her, i was finished and i went in her throat. I even congratulated her for her good job of swallowing, and how she must be getting imune to the taste. As soon as i found another girl i broke up with her
Submitted by pushedbyboredom (user info) at 2005-05-09 21:18:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Would do an obligatory -2 but hey, it made me smile. Need to work a bit on spelling/grammar though or you will get killed.
My only good one is I was outside a church with a girl in the middle of the day so I was caught unawares when six cars pulled up and all six carloads looked to see what was going on in my car, realized what was going on, and pulled out, deciding that Sunday would be a better day to come to church.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-05-09 20:59:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This could have been funny with more description and maybe even a little back story. Welcome to UBER.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-05-09 18:15:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-05-09 17:55:20 (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude, put a lock on your door.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-05-09 18:13:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"-being too drunk and slipping it into her ass by mistake"
Chould read:
-being too drunk and CLAIMED I slipped it into her ass by mistake
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-05-09 18:06:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/37339
Try that one on for size
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-05-09 17:55:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude, put a lock on your door.
Submitted by wanderingsharps (user info) at 2005-05-09 17:30:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the whole girl in the woods/rape thing was the best part-should have saved it for last.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2005-05-09 17:18:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Just because you watch a lot of porn doesn't mean you're a porn star. Not all that funny, but I would feel guilty about giving you a -2.
Submitted by Auron (user info) at 2005-05-09 17:14:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Ripping the old Foreskin is also a blunder not to be under-estimated.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-05-09 17:07:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
-2 'girlfriends' coming over at the same time in skimpy clothing. DONE THAT
-my mother walking in on me naked with a girl NOPE
-my sister walking in on me naked with a girl NOPE
-my father walking in on me naked with a girl OH YEAH
-being too drunk and slipping it into her ass by mistake IF MISTAKE MEANS 'INTENTIONALLY'
-using too much lube and slipping at the last minute and spunking on her stomach GOOD TIMES
-not telling her when I was "there" during oral and hitting her smack in the eye. SEE MY ADIDAS POST
-Hittin' it doggy style and having my knee slip off the side of the bed, pulling us both down on the floor GASHED A GIRLS FOREHEAD, ON ACCIDENT
-gettin it on in a car, and having a security gaurd catch us KNEW ME BY NAME
Submitted by project_nessa (user info) at 2005-05-09 16:55:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
pretty good.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-05-09 16:52:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome work. (i'll give you the +2 before the others start railing you for the grammar/spelling errors)