A positive first impression. (3064 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:non-fiction
Rating: 1.98 on 62 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-05-10 01:41:37 EDT
I took the twins to Playgroup today. For those who may not know, or care, Playgroup is a form of cheerful hell with bad coffee where your kids play with a bunch of other kids while you make nice to the other kids' parents.
It's the Anti-Fun.
This was their first day and they did pretty well, considering they haven't been around many kids. Genna bit someone but I don't think his Mum noticed, so all is well. Cadie stole a little girl's cup and made her cry, but it was okay because some little shit hit the girl for crying and all the Mums saw was this boy hitting her and her bawling so he was sent to time-out, the girl got a cookie, and my babies got off scot free.
So. The children are playing in their Lord of the Flies way, forming gangs and spearing small rabbits in the bushes. And there's me, sitting with the other mothers, and there's exactly one thought screaming through my head: "I don't fit in here."
There's a tall, ultra thin, health fanatic, perfectly groomed woman sitting beside me. And her kids are spotlessly clean, and she has brought them their own special snack foods in a ziplock bag because god forbid they should eat what the other kids eat, and we'll call this woman the Alpha Bitch.
And this is the bullshit she's spouting: "My husband's niece had a birthday party at McDonalds last week, and someone offered my Aidelyna (no shit, this was the kid's name) some lemonade."
Blank stares.
"It's almost pure sugar!"
The women are all nodding now, like those stupid toy dogs in the back of a car window, as they realise what response is expected of them.
"How rude!"
"That's so unhealthy!"
"Sometimes, I'll allow my seven year old to have a couple of drops of soft drink, diluted in a cup of water, but certainly not full strength!"
And I'm nodding, too, because it's what you do. You size up the people around you and you lie your ass off so they'll accept you and thus enable your children to "socialize". (Just a side note here - socialize is a stupid fucking word to use for toddlers. They're trying to kill each other over the Lego table. Someone used the word "socialization" today. I almost killed myself.)
So there we all are, nodding in agreement at the Alpha Bitch's horror - sugar!! The idea!! - and I'm nodding along, because I don't want to make waves, but I haven't taken into account the fact that I can't keep my mouth shut to save my life, ever, and I hear myself speak before I'm aware that my mouth is moving and all I can do is wince inwardly and pray for it to be over soon.
"I always find it best to mix some whiskey in with the lemonade, if you really want to dilute it. It has the added bonus of being a soporific."
Dead fucking silence.
"Beer has far less sugar than lemonade - have you tried that? It's not as likely to make them hyperactive, and it's a great weight booster for underweight children. I make sure all my kids have at least one can before bed, every night."
I smile and take a sip of my unbearably insipid coffee. They're looking at me as though wondering whether they should lynch me, or feed me to the children as a kind of sacrifice.
I'm saved by the Alpha Bitch's boy running outside, waving a plastic gun. "Bang! Bang! I got you Mummy!" he yells in sadistic glee, and quite frankly if that bitch was my mother I'd want her dead, too, but nobody else sees it my way and the all gasp in dismay.
"How did that get in the toybox?"
"I thought we'd thrown out all the violence enabling play instruments!"
Violence enabling play instruments?
VIOLENCE ENABLING PLAY INSTRUMENTS???
Whatever these women are on, I want some injected right into my carotid artery.
I've seen a toddler make a gun out of lego blocks, out of toast, out of a balloon. Granted, it was my toddler, and he's since become what some call "interesting" and I call "my punishment for a misspent youth", but the point is that it's a toy fucking gun. Kids will hit each other with sticks, or fists, or teddy bears. Children ARE a violence enabling play instrument.
They're all sitting, horrified, waiting for the Alpha Bitch to act so they can take their lead from her. Feeling an unfamiliar sense of pity for the poor vapid sheep, I take charge of the situation. I gently touch the boy's shoulder and murmur "Don't shoot your Mum, mate. Go and shoot the babies instead."
I'm going back next week. I have some toys to donate, for one thing.
User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-08-03 07:16:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ace
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-18 04:12:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-30 02:22:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Aha. Ahahahha. Ahahahhahaha!
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-07-08 05:30:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good day!
Good day, I said!
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-05-17 12:04:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, you're funny.
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-05-17 11:24:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This revue killed me:
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-05-10 06:08:41 (#)
Ranking: 0
i hate those humourless bitches too
outside kindy the other day i made a harmless little joke - something like "i appreciate the effort you've gone too to dress your five year-old girl up like a full grown slut, but it's just not enough, my cock is still COMPLETELY LIMP!" - and the silence was deafening.
i suppose no mum likes to hear her daughter has failed to stimulate arousal, but still, it was just a joke.
Worse thing is that I couldn't tell anybody in the office.
I'm with Teeph on this one, with degree in Biology, a sugar addiction and having read a book on sugar addiction, I know where Alpha Bitch is coming from. You might as well offer them crack now.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-05-17 10:37:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-05-17 10:24:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
kick ass - the whiskey part in particular
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-05-13 10:23:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
'musin
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-05-10 23:25:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Somehow the words violence enabling play instruments make me all horny.
How about your kids come play with mine? I'm sure they will do just fine together.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-05-10 21:44:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, you are awesome. Friggin' hilarious. I hate pretentious twats.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-05-10 17:12:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why couldn't my mother have been more like you? But noooooooooo.
Be my mother?
In the worst and best ways possible?
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-05-10 16:29:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-05-10 14:59:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm willing to bet Alpha Bitch weighs each of her child's poops, so as to measure for fibre content...
---------------
HAHAHhaahahahah!!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-05-10 15:00:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mmmm mmm.....nothing like some Circe to ease the pain.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-05-10 14:59:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm willing to bet Alpha Bitch weighs each of her child's poops, so as to measure for fibre content...
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-10 13:52:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you are my hero.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-05-10 13:43:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-05-10 13:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I need you to work with me. I need you to run interference with my boss.
I need you to get drunk and sit in on annual shareholder meanings.
Get off your goddamned Pannekoeken and give me a hand!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-05-10 13:10:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You fucking rule, plain and simple.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-05-10 12:53:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sweet
Hey if you don't have to get hosed off before you come in the house, then what is the point of playing in the yard?
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-05-10 10:50:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-05-10 09:19:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
"My boy is two, and has the mutant ability to use ANYTHING as a light-saber. I've seen the kid defiantly hold out a limp spaghetti noodle and yell, "BATTLE ME!""
------------------------------------
Awesome kid!!!!
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-05-10 10:41:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanna be in your play group.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2005-05-10 10:32:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would expect nothing less from the women dahn unda
Submitted by wanderingsharps (user info) at 2005-05-10 10:25:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I always find it best to mix some whiskey in with the lemonade, if you really want to dilute it. It has the added bonus of being a soporific."
...glad to see that I'm not the only one who does not mix well with others.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-05-10 10:20:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe - Oh, don't get me wrong. You are 100% correct. There is nothing wrong with a kid having a glass of lemonade at a birthday party or whatever . . . moderation is the key. I'm just saying that I can see the merit in the Alpha Bitch mindset WITHIN REASON. Trying to help the little buggers develope healthy eating habits is really important, and waaaaaay too many parents go off the deep end with trying to protect their kids from "bad" things that really aren't all that bad.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-05-10 10:15:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really wanted to +1 this but because you sent me that email about me putting both of my balls in your mouth at once, have a +2.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-05-10 09:56:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I should really proofread my responses.
Allow me to summarize:
alpha bitch = bad
circe = ok
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-05-10 09:54:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't be ashamed because you're a mother who'd rather show her children love and genuine understanding than self-diluted, comfy blindness - who'd rather allow them to have some semblance of a normal childhood instead of some button-down dreamland wherein nothing unusual or unexpected can ever happen, even to the extent that a mother will lie to herself to avoid talking about things that are uncomfortable, such as why Junior smells like sperm and skunk. It's not you whos out of place... it that tight-ass, uppity bitch and her mindless cronies who take just accept her bullshit values as the ones they themselves should adopt. Don't let her drag you down. Usurp her throne as alpha-bitch by continuing to loosen the others up with your off-color jokes. They will eventually warm up to you and realize that the alpha-bitch is just that - a grade-A BITCH!
...then you take over the world - but let's not get ahead of oursleves. It's best if we take things a step at a time.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-05-10 09:37:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Children ARE a violence enabling play instrument."
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-05-10 09:32:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Teeph - I just can't see what on earth is wrong with a three year old having a cup of soft drink at a birthday party. All things in moderation. I'm not suggesting we hook her up to a glucose IV, but denying her anything with sugar in is not going to make for healthy eating habits once she's in her teen rebellion stage.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-05-10 09:19:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
First off - I sadly have to say that I'm a little on-board with the Alpha Bitch. Sugar's bad for kids, mmmmkay? Maybe it's more of a problem in the States with our "obesity epidemic" and all, but while I still give my kid (diluted) juice, I do try to do whatever I can to help him stave off the innevitable juevenile diabetes just a little longer.
Second - I'm in total agreement with letting kids be kids. My boy is two, and has the mutant ability to use ANYTHING as a light-saber. I've seen the kid defiantly hold out a limp spaghetti noodle and yell, "BATTLE ME!"
That's my boy!
My boy the pimp-daddy of the neighborhood. Why is my boy the pimp-daddy of the neighborhood? Because HIS daddy is the coolest daddy on the block. HIS daddy lets all the little girls in the neighborhood come over to play in the big-ass mud-pit (that only recently became a shed) in the back yard to dig for worms and beetles and ant-hills. I know that there are differences between boys and girls, but I'm telling you . . . ALL kids like playing in the dirt. Their parents all hate me, and wish I would keep their kids a little cleaner when they come over, but the kids have a ball, and if the parents had a problem, they should really try to keep an eye on where there kids are running off to play in the first place.
Yaaaaaay kids!
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-05-10 08:24:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ivy (user info) at 2005-05-10 08:20:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'and I hear myself speak before I'm aware that my mouth is moving and all I can do is wince inwardly and pray for it to be over soon.'
---
Yay for having no self control!
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-05-10 08:17:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-05-10 08:07:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-05-10 07:34:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-05-10 02:48:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
"I don't mean to say this shit. I just open my mouth and it falls out."
I hear ya on that one! """
Shit falls out of your mouth?
Figures.
-------------------
Shut it Jamie, otherwise I'll slobber shite all over you!
Love always,
Cunt.
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2005-05-10 08:03:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate parents who don't let their kids act like kids.
As soon as my kid exits the womb, I plan on rolling it in the nearest mud puddle before placing it up in a tree.
The sooner it learns to look after itself the sooner I can sponge off it.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-05-10 07:57:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My wife used to work for a day care center like that. The mothers were brutal: their Precious Little Treasure could do no wrong.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-05-10 07:34:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-05-10 02:48:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
"I don't mean to say this shit. I just open my mouth and it falls out."
I hear ya on that one! """
Shit falls out of your mouth?
Figures.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-05-10 06:08:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i hate those humourless bitches too
outside kindy the other day i made a harmless little joke - something like "i appreciate the effort you've gone too to dress your five year-old girl up like a full grown slut, but it's just not enough, my cock is still COMPLETELY LIMP!" - and the silence was deafening.
i suppose no mum likes to hear her daughter has failed to stimulate arousal, but still, it was just a joke.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-05-10 04:51:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. And i want to kill some mothers now...
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-05-10 04:27:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This inspired all kinds of fear and terror in me.
I *had* been forward to moving back to an English-speaking country,
for my daughter's benefit. Now I'm thinking maybe Antarctica would be better.
Will you bring your kids to a playgroup with mine? I promise not to invite
anyone whose name looks like letters drawn at random out of a Scrabble game,
and we can show you how the beer really hasn't helped my kid gain any weight.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-05-10 04:22:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You rock the party that rocks the party, Miss Circe. My word...
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-10 04:10:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd love to see your kids and Soleys kids in a royal rumble!
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-05-10 04:01:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cool
Submitted by Or_ (user info) at 2005-05-10 03:30:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-10 03:23:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm confused.
It's wrong to give a kid booze to shut them up?
I'm going to take those flowers back from my mother for all that Manischewitz wine.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-05-10 02:48:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I don't mean to say this shit. I just open my mouth and it falls out."
I hear ya on that one!
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-05-10 02:39:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-05-10 02:28:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The only thing that comes to mind is the story you told me about The Boy's rationalization for playing Halo and being right.
"Violence enabling play instruments" you can't make that crap up.
Banga
Submitted by transhuman (user info) at 2005-05-10 02:21:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-05-10 02:14:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know the feeling Circe..
Eventually you'll find that there are some non-alpha bitches who will form a sympathy alliance with you..
Sad that parenting is warfare..
And the kids with pretend guns are the problem? I say the moms with pretensions are the problem.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-05-10 02:11:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Unfortunately Alpha Bitches kids will probably grow up as complete assholes or deranged drug addicts.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-05-10 02:09:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Children ARE a violence enabling play instrument.
-------------------------------------------------------
I'm going to quote you on this.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-05-10 02:09:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Crystle - Oddly, they didn't find me amusing. At all. My husband says they'll grow to like me. He also says he hopes I manage to make it home alive every week until that happens.
Submitted by Amy (user info) at 2005-05-10 02:08:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've seen those mothers!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-05-10 02:05:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn my self control..
Although, sometimes I do say stupid crap. Like in meetings at work..where it actually counts. The boss (not a big big boss, just bossy enough to have an ego) asks how morale is, and I said "the gnomes are fine"...
But you're funnier...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-05-10 01:56:03 (#)
Ranking: 0
Crystle - I don't mean to say this shit. I just open my mouth and it falls out.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-05-10 02:02:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Beer has far less sugar than lemonade - have you tried that? It's not as likely to make them hyperactive, and it's a great weight booster for underweight children. I make sure all my kids have at least one can before bed, every night."
------
Thank you. That's the first time I've laughed all day.
Submitted by Gizmo (user info) at 2005-05-10 02:02:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Trust me, making a kid drink is best for their liver.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-05-10 02:01:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 toast gun
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-05-10 01:56:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Crystle - I don't mean to say this shit. I just open my mouth and it falls out.
Joe - Yeah, so is my boy. He's 8, and to give him credit, he's honestly surprised when he gets in trouble. "What do you mean, setting the houseplants on fire is wrong? We learned that a lot of plants need heat to germinate. I was just trying to help." And so on.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-05-10 01:52:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, just a +2 across the board.
The nodding heads. Check
The gun stuff..... Check
The Alpha's....... Check
The names......... No Comment (I will stay politically correct on this one)
And so on...........
By the way,
I was always the King of the "time-out"
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-05-10 01:48:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA>.....
I've so wanted to say things like that. The mandatorily "volunteer" staffed child care at church is similar...
Circe.. you're my mommy hero of the day!