Raccoon Payback (With Mom) Part 2 (1582 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 1.76 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by joedaddy <zippadeedoodaa.at.aol.com> (View user info) at 2005-05-10 08:01:59 EDT
The rain had finally arrived and there was one thing left to do.
I needed to build a "hide". My old upstairs bedroom was my only
option. I knew if I were to be caught, I would end up being on the
front page, above the fold, in every newspaper in the country.
Since the very top of the window, in my room, provided the only
view of my intended targets, I needed a raised platform on which
to operate from.
I moved my old desk, to under the window, placed the desk chair
on top of it and placed two pillows on top of that. I then moved my
bed next to the desk and placed my overstuffed chair on the top of
the bed. It was a little "shaky" but it would have to do.
It was what "McGiver" would build, if he were on barbiturates.
My weapon selection was easy. I still had this little "chestnut" that
I had saved from a long ago conflict in Southeast Asia. It was
fitted with an AN/PUS-4, a second-generation Starlight scope.
I also had the need for a suppressor. Contrary to what you see in
the movies, the marriage of a silencer to a rifle is not common.
You have to "go" sub-sonic with your "ammo" selection and a
litany of other problems arise. The use of a potato, head of lettuce,
or a one liter plastic bottle had crossed my mind but sighting
problems and multiple shot requirements cancelled the use of such
attachments.
With a little work I was able to use the parts from several handgun
applications to finish the required item.
These "bad boys" make noise; mind you, no matter what you do.
The one thing the movies do get right is that; short of an air strike,
you Are God with one of these "puppies" in your hands.
I was going to complete my ensemble with a gillie suit. I knew it
would help with my insanity defense in the event I got "popped"
But the sight of me being led away in handcuffs, in that suit, to
one of the 3 dozen or so police cars that would be certain to show
up if "things" went south, would probably give my mom the
massive heart attack that she has somehow avoided all these years,
from my many escapades.
So I'm upstairs in the bedroom with the lights out and the window
open. I am actually quite comfortable sitting in the nice chair on
my bed. I have the gun resting on the pillows on the chair atop the
desk and all is quiet except for the rain outside. So I wait.
After about 2 hours of looking through the scope, the little "rat
bastards" show up. All six of them, in a perfect line, nose to
butt on the big Bay branch that crosses the creek.
Payback Time!
Now this is not an easy shot, or shots, I should say. I am going to
have to do more than an "Oswald" to put all of these suckers
down. I mean its 3 and one-half blocks, over and between houses
and streets with parked cars. About a 375 yard shot.
Not a problem.
The first two shots were textbook, big targets, about 20lbs each,
and the element of "Su-prise!"
Pssst. Pssst.
Raccoon #3?
Well, it's a scientific fact that if you hit a "solid" with enough
force, you can turn it into a "gas".
I had forgotten about the red-tipped shell that I had placed in the
#3 slot of the magazine. O well.......bam....zoom.
Raccoon #4 sort of disappeared when #3 became a new element
of the atmosphere.
I was quite comfortable with that.
Raccoon #6, at the end of the rapidly diminishing "conga-line",
was somehow able to reason, in his little raccoon brain, that
the tree branch was a "no-go" zone. So he backed up, out of my
view and field of fire.
Lucky little shit.
That left #5. He was pathetic. All he could do was look
down from one side of the branch to the other, and
look up in the tree, between the downward glances,
trying to figure out where the rest of the family had gone.
I was about to answer his "question, when all of a sudden,
the lights to my room came on.
It was my mother.
Now I'm fucked for sure!
I really couldn't hide anything, so I just turned around in my chair
atop the bed to face her.
Her gaze went first to the ceiling, where a large cloud of blue
smoke was swirling around like a canopy above the rest of the room. A slight glow was emanating from behind me also.
She said: "Son, please don't burn my house down".
"Please put out the fire you've started on my curtains"
My homemade suppressor had spit out a flame from a crack on the
side of it's housing, and had set the valence curtains on fire.
"Yes mom"
I got up, set my weapon down, leaning up, against the bed, and
patted out the flames. Smooth move... sniper man.
As I turned around, my weapon, of course, slid down the
bed and hit the floor with a loud thump.
"Son, you were brought up to take better care of your guns than that"
"Yes mom"
She started to turn and leave the room, then turned around again and said:
"Son, if you made a mess in my backyard, I am not going to clean it up"
"Yes mom"
She turned again, and before closing the door she said:
"Son, do you want the light on or off?"
"Off mom"
User Reviews
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-06-06 23:18:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story! You're a hell of a shot. Even one raccoon at 375 yards at night with night vision would be impressive.
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2008-03-24 20:01:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Trevor1st93 (user info) at 2005-12-06 11:47:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is this true or not?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-06-21 19:39:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking awesome, dude!
Submitted by Rads_wife (user info) at 2005-06-14 00:42:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/68315
WINNER!!!
Submitted by TheSunGod (user info) at 2005-05-25 12:39:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
way to go, boss. but i do think that the coons got off easy just getting shot. i'd have made them check out of this world a lot slower for killing my tortoise. that's compassionate of you.
and berty-
"The story of one man and his rifle taking out his grief on small rodents."
racoons belong to carnivora, not rodentia. they are more closely related to wolves and bears than rats. fun fact for ya.
Submitted by Ich (user info) at 2005-05-14 23:52:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for the appreciationn, and I love the article.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-05-14 19:08:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fucking stupid.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-05-14 18:53:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So let me get this straight:
You were an Army Ranger in the 'Nam (you sound like a former NCO to me) and a retired detective? Thank you for your service times two. I did five years as an Army CI NCO, two of those attached to the silent professionals. My time was in the sandbox, not the jungle.
Anyway, I hope you get that last little fucker.
Airborne Rangers lead the way.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-13 03:10:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-05-12 20:57:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-05-12 15:07:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
I have been here(USA) with 11 presidents, for 57 years.
I have always been a republican.
The American taxpayers get to fund all of this "anti-terror" bullshit.
The American taxpayers get to fund the pension obligations for the United Airlines
employees. General Motors and Ford are next.
More evidence of the general dismantling of the American economy.
By the time we get to vote for a new President the country may be unsalvageable.
You young people may be fucked!
<a nobody>
You hit it right on the head, man.
======================
yep.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-05-13 02:53:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"+2"
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-05-12 20:57:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-05-12 15:07:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
I have been here(USA) with 11 presidents, for 57 years.
I have always been a republican.
The American taxpayers get to fund all of this "anti-terror" bullshit.
The American taxpayers get to fund the pension obligations for the United Airlines
employees. General Motors and Ford are next.
More evidence of the general dismantling of the American economy.
By the time we get to vote for a new President the country may be unsalvageable.
You young people may be fucked!
<a nobody>
You hit it right on the head, man.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-10 16:54:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-10 08:05:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
McGiver?
Is that McReceiver's lover?
HAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-05-10 12:22:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the one to watch out for...he'll be back for revenge!
"Raccoon #6, at the end of the rapidly diminishing "conga-line",
was somehow able to reason, in his little raccoon brain, that
the tree branch was a "no-go" zone. So he backed up, out of my
view and field of fire."
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-05-10 09:30:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Finally fucking revenge argh arhg arhg!
"O my God, I trust in thee: let me not be ashamed, let not mine enemies triumph over me." Private Jackson
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-05-10 08:25:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
choc chip muffin?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-05-10 08:08:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The story of one man and his rifle taking out his grief on small rodents.
Seek help before you try this 'coping process' again. If only to save money on curtains.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-05-10 08:06:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My mother is 93 years young.
And I love her with all my heart.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-10 08:05:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
McGiver?
Is that McReceiver's lover?
http://www.goatse.org/mirror ?