When I Grow Up, I'm Going To Bovine University (1578 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.93 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by NerfHerder <NerfHerder.at.comic.com> (View user info) at 2005-05-10 10:33:04 EDT
"Dear Clancy Wiggum," the letter read, "Congratulations! Your calf has been accepted into Bovine University. BU, as one of the top slaughterhouses in the nation, strives to select only the best from and for America. Further details will be coming later in another envelope. Once again, congratulations and welcome to the class of 2019!"
Clancy's fat, clammy hands could hardly contain the letter in front of him. Likewise, his skin could barely contain the amount of fat being stored in Clancy's cheeks. The painful smile nearly killed Clancy, but was immediately perked up again by the notification letter.
"Ralphie!" Clancy yelled throughout the house, attempting to get the attention of his only son. "Raaaaaalph!" Clancy called again but was only rewarded with the chiming of the clock in the kitchen.
Of course, Clancy's eyes rocketed up to the clock to listen to its chimes. Because, as we all know, sound must not only be experienced by the ears but by the eyes as well.
"Chong," went the clock once. Clancy expected at least another chong, but was not appeased.
"Only one o'clock," Clancy pined. "Maybe Ralphie isn't home from school yet. Wait. Should I be down at the station, too?" Clancy took one hard look around the kitchen, and decided since he was the chief; the station was always with him. Clancy sat down and took out the local newspaper, the Springfield Gazette. This particular issue had a headshot of Clancy, who was the Police Chief of the backwater burg known as Springfield. Above the picture was a bold headline that read, "Worst. Chief. Ever!" Luckily, Clancy couldn't read. But he always liked to look at pictures of the women in bra and panties in advertisements and such.
"Oooooh, lacy," Clancy sighed as his fingers caressed the coarse newspaper. But Clancy's mind quickly shifted from pretty women in pretty things to a different advertisement. An ad for a think, juicy steak.
"Mmmmm steak," Clancy said while his drool spilled out onto the page, running the ink at the bottom of the ad. "Aw. Now I'll never know where to get a steak from," Clancy pined. "Oh well...my dreams for a steak wait until another day."
Later that day, Ralph came home from school with his father waiting at the front door. News about Bovine University was exchanged, as were several hugs on the part of both father and son.
It was also a look of regret in Clancy's eyes, though. It had seemed like for more than a decade, Ralph had been stuck in second grade. But somehow, Ralph was finally graduating and heading off to college. His little boy was going to leave the poorly constructed nest. A single tear dropped down Clancy's cheek as Ralph walked towards his room, acceptance letter still in hand.
"Man, I could really use some steak," Clancy said.
Months passed.
Move-in day arrived at Bovine University.
Tents were set up, as were informational kiosks and friendly but burly handlers. Each of them knew the campus like the back of their hand, and if they weren't checking the back of their hand for directions, they were ready to turn it over to make a friendly helping hand.
As Clancy drove up to the campus with his son in the backseat, wide eyed and scared all at the same time, each remarked on what a great place to live it would be.
"Wow Ralphie, look at all of the pasture here. Plenty of room to run and play, eh?"
But Ralph was lost in his own world. His window was now down, tongue out and slobbering anything behind the new student.
"I could really go for a steak right now," chimed in Clancy, who hadn't said much else for several months.
After several wrong turns and thousands of well-timed sighs from his passenger, Clancy found his son's dorm: Slaughterhouse #000000005.
Outside the door was a man in bloody overalls who helped Ralph out of the car.
"This man is almost as messy with ketchup as I am, daddy," Ralph said in the childlike manner that stayed with him since his actual childhood.
"But Ralph," Clancy said, "you don't see that man wetting his pants right now, do you?"
"No daddy," Ralph said, as a wet patch spread across his crotch.
"Oh Ralph. I will miss you so," Clancy said as he embraced his son for the last time. As he started to let go, he saw Ralph not as a boy any longer, but a man.
A man who had just peed his pants.
"C'mon...time to take you up to the floor," the man with the "ketchup" overalls said to Ralph. "We got plenty other cows behind ya."
Ralph looked back to see a long line of mooing cows, the louder ones being closer to Ralph.
"Dad...I'll see you at the end of the quarter," Ralph said.
The overalled man rolled his eyes and stuck Ralph on the conveyor belt, already reaching for the next cow before Ralph was ready to leave.
"Make sure to call once you get settled in Ralph," his father called.
Wiggum looked at his boy one last time as he disappeared beneath the flaps of the oddly shaped dormitory. He got in his car and drove away very slowly.
Each thought they heard their boy's jovial screeches and screams in the background as they drove, but neither wanted to admit they missed their son enough to be "hallucinating" sounds.
"I could really go for a steak right now," Clancy said.
User Reviews
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-06-01 13:44:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
just watched episode V, damn i laughed. great name.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-05-10 23:02:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoa, holy gay! You're back, CBG's back, iddqd's back! IT'S A PARTY!!!!
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-05-10 21:53:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-05-10 19:46:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh how i have missed the writings of the nerf man. good job good to see a post from you again.
Submitted by xtremecowboy (user info) at 2005-05-10 18:13:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I hate to ruin a perfect two, but this was: A. Really weird and B. Not that funny
~Maybe now you'll write a post about me...
Submitted by Phyllis (user info) at 2005-05-10 18:09:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Zombie_Reagan (user info) at 2005-05-10 15:24:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always looked up to you.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-05-10 12:49:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your writing does not get the love it deserves.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-10 12:24:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-05-10 10:48:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Shlongy always enjoys this kids work.
-----------------------------
So does Munkeypants.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-05-10 12:20:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For the title. Now off to read it...
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-05-10 12:04:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nerf, I like the odd take on it.
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-05-10 10:56:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bizarre, but I like.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-10 10:54:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What a fucking bizzare concept.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-05-10 10:48:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shlongy always enjoys this kids work.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-05-10 10:48:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-05-10 10:40:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's my intention, Mike.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-05-10 10:38:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Slaughterhouse #000000005.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-05-10 10:36:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you are amazing, nerf. the simpsons tie-in, making Ralph into steaks in the year 2019, please come back and start writing again.