The Tetherball Game that Decided the Fate of the Universe. (1732 hits)
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Rating: 1.82 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by pen_name (View user info) at 2005-05-12 09:01:50 EDT
The duel suns crested at the base of the pit of loathing, as Farjung the Forester assumed control of the ball of destiny.
"My dear Culprix, I, Farjung the Forester will vanquish you as had been predicted on the third cycle of Juno. Your reign as supreme overlord and best dressed Kalian will finally come to an end!"
Culprix repositioned his crown, made from the densest material at the base of a neutron star. It sparkled in the light of Turok's fire and blinded six of the audience members, sending them into frantic shrieks of pain.
"Farjung, I admire your confidence—misplaced as it is. I apologize for what I must do."
Culprix stretched his arm to the sky making a fist with his large fiery hand. "Come to me power of the cosmos and guide my hand to victory!"
From far off in the sky, a stream of blue flame coursed its way downward, descending rapidly into the pit of loathing and making impact with Culprix' fist. The audience trembled as Culprix lit aflame, a blue aura of electricity circling his body.
"Pfft." Farjung threw his nose in the air.
"You dare mock me, Farjung!"
"That's right, sir. I mock you!"
Culprix tossed his cloak onto the ground and flexed his pectorals—the breadth of which knocked over a small Gorian child.
"I have beaten greater foes than you Farjung, even while inebriated on the wine of beggar souls!"
Farjung gritted his teeth and the pressure exploded four of them. They grew back before the smoke cleared.
"Then let's do battle, and we'll see who ends up on top!"
Culprix sneered. "Let's!"
The crowd cheered as the contestants assumed their stance. Culprix took his position to the left flank of Farjung, bent low to take advantage of the power of his thunderous thighs. Normally, Farjung overpowered his foes and sent the hard, Skenthion leathered ball through his their skulls. Culprix was no ordinary opponent, however, and he knew this would be fruitless.
After a silence, the referee raised his hand and with a flick, dropped the starting rock.
"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
Farjung exploded through his outer vestments sending them scattered around the circle. The crowd reacted by hiding behind each other. Culprix smiled.
"I AM THE MAN!"
In a blur, Farjung punched the ball 50 feet in the air. It soared high, pulling its trailing 200-foot rope rapidly around the almond colored pole.
Culprix immediately sprung into action, his electrified form charging through the arena like a reverse lightening bolt. At the apex of his leap, time stopped and he howled at the ball—blowing it around the pole the other way.
"Be gone ball of destiny!" He roared. "Trouble me no longer!"
In one nanosecond, the ball wrapped 3,264 times around the pole. The force of his delivery created a tornado above and it separated and drifted to the village of Malejole, destroying everything in its wake.
Farjung was unimpressed. He checked his manicure and rubbed his nails on his exposed chest. "You have weakened, Culprix!"
With an arm raised, he stopped the ball one rotation short of defeat. For the first time, Culprix stopped smiling.
Farjung nodded knowingly and began sucking in all the surrounding air. When he had taken in as much as his body could withstand, he performed a double-fisted punch. The force of impact almost collapsed space and time and was one degree short of causing a singularity.
In a flash, the ball was completely unwound; in another, it was three quarters wrapped in his favor. Even utilizing his ability to slow time, Culprix could only reduce the ball's speed to 400 miles per hour.
Culprix expended all his remaining energy, and was able to stop the ball with his outstretched fingertips. He breathed heavily trying to regain his composure. He had dropped down to his knees.
"Admit defeat." Farjung said, barely hiding his disdain. "You cannot beat me."
Culprix stopped his breathing and looked up from the ground. The blue aura parted around his eyes and a yellow light shone through.
"In my life, I have suffered many things. When I was merely 300 years of age, my mother left us. At 800, I was sold into slavery. I worked my way up from the mines of Calfore and was beaten on every step out. I have lost my arms 3 times and had to suffer the indignity of a helper for the decades it took for them to grow them back."
Culprix rose to his feet. "I will not lose to such a pathetic Kalian as you"
Farjung took two steps towards Culprix. Culprix took two towards him. They were face to face. Culprix' lip twitched. "Stop this."
Culprix jumped back and screamed to the heavens. Before Farjung could react, Culprix raised his right arm and drove his elbow into the ball of destiny. Flames shot out the rear—icy cold purple flames. They sparked on each rotation lighting the arena and giving off a chill that went to the base of Farjung's heart.
As the ball passed within reach, Farjung attempted to grab it. On contact, Farjung failed even to slow it...only succeeding in losing his right arm. It soared through the air and landed roughly in the stands. A happy Grespan woman seized it. She was on holiday.
Farjung made another attempt with his left arm and lost that as well. However, this time the arm froze to the surface of the ball and went around with it.
Out of desperation, Farjung jumped in the air trying to stop it with his body. He missed, with the rope wrapping around his neck and drawing him into the pole. After three more turns, it severed his head and completed its coil.
The crowd barely contained itself with its applause. The masses celebrated this esteemed victor, the great Culprix. Once again, he had defended his title as supreme overlord and best dressed Kalian.
After dropping his aura, Culprix stepped on the lifeless corpse of Farjung and waved his arms in the air. "Wonderful citizens of the cosmos—I, Culprix, am your champion!"
Amidst the display, a young Rulian remained seated. He stared at Culprix, his eyes shining red. Under his arm was a rough looking object with tears and strips of leather hanging at all sides. Culprix turned from his celebration and met his eye. He nodded.
"In 100 years, then?"
The Rulian nodded. "Yes, in 100 years."
User Reviews
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-08-04 06:12:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love ma writin'
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-03-20 13:32:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
dude, you hit this post? that's harsh. this is my bay-bay
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-03-20 12:09:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hah
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-03-20 11:38:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i like nouveau porn
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-03-24 14:00:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more... nothing.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-24 13:33:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha awsome.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-06-20 16:43:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks, compadre
(the five is under your doormat)
Submitted by indigogecko (user info) at 2005-06-20 08:07:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cool... and a vote ;)
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-19 16:05:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-13 13:25:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/66240
AS PROMISED
oh, and because this post rocked!
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-05-13 10:17:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I rock the +2
+2
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-05-13 10:15:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
haha, you rock the block
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-05-13 10:08:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As reswquested
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-05-12 16:27:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Douglas Adams might have written this.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-05-12 14:35:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh. Well that makes sense. (Re: Turok's sun)
Also, fuck me in the goat ass for not even noticing the "holding." Sure, "ROPE!" was always a much more serious offense on our playground, but I should have caught that.
This post is like an onion. So many layers . . .
People will be studying it for years.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-05-12 12:11:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-05-12 11:52:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
-2. This was sloppy. "Turok's sun?" Turok is a DINOSAUR HUNTER, not a PLANET, MORON!
Sheesh.
Although I must say that I'm glad that the epic battle didn't have to devolve into a debate about technicalities when Farjung touched the rope with his neck. Touching the rope is a big no-no, and I will personally kill anyone who does it. It's just cheating. Plain and simple.
Actually, +2 as always.
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ah, someone noticed. there are a shitload of rule violations in this. i thought each character needed an illiad moment where action stops, they throw out a speech or gesture, and it starts up again.
that's why they grab the ball. if they can't do that, no chance to reflect.
let's just say it's home rules.
and i didn't write turok as a sun. i didn't explain it, but i pictured turok's fire as being some undying flame lit (by turok) in an unknown battle...like an oil derrick that was sparked.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-05-12 11:52:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
-2. This was sloppy. "Turok's sun?" Turok is a DINOSAUR HUNTER, not a PLANET, MORON!
Sheesh.
Although I must say that I'm glad that the epic battle didn't have to devolve into a debate about technicalities when Farjung touched the rope with his neck. Touching the rope is a big no-no, and I will personally kill anyone who does it. It's just cheating. Plain and simple.
Actually, +2 as always.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-05-12 11:50:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great, but it started out at the ultra super maximum heavy level, and stayed there. didn't like that.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-05-12 11:28:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is awesome. On many many levels.
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-05-12 11:12:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bored@Work?
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-05-12 10:46:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Utterly brilliant in so many different ways.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-05-12 10:26:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, this totally rocked.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-05-12 09:55:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yes!
Submitted by spank (user info) at 2005-05-12 09:43:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"They grew back before the smoke cleared. "
"A happy Grespan woman seized it. She was on holiday. "
nice.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-05-12 09:42:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant!
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-05-12 09:27:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice!
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-05-12 09:23:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done. Very nicely done.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-05-12 09:21:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
MMMMMMMM RIGHT CLICK, SAVE AS
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-05-12 09:17:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Super sweet! Nicely done.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-05-12 09:13:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Utterly immense
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-05-12 09:07:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
impressive