I Waxed Strawberry Shortcake’s Bikini Line, Then I Gave The Guy From “Operation” An STD (6146 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.94 on 103 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Pentameter (View user info) at 2005-05-12 09:20:39 EDT
Siblings are a pain in the ass. A quick look through history gives various examples of this. Cain killed Abel. Janet and Michael (I'm Innocent!) Jackson, back in the day, were always trying to outdo the other artist. The Three Stooges constantly beat the shit out of each other.
And my brother lived for nothing but to make my life a living hell.
As a child, I was a girly-girl, save for the fact that my brother enjoyed performing wrestling moves from the WWF on me. He would pretend my head was a turnbuckle and that he was George "The Animal" Steele, after squirting green food coloring onto his tongue, of course.
I hated this. All I wanted to do was play with my goddamn toys, but every time I pulled out one of my Pound Puppies or a Cabbage Patch Kid doll, he would tear it from my hands and then perform either the Tombstone or the Sharpshooter on me.
At the age of seven, there wasn't much I could do to my thirteen year old brother, except tell on him, but even that had no effect. My father was a very driven career man who went to work early and stayed very late. My mother was a stay at home mom who had just given birth to my younger brother. Besides, my mom was an only child and enjoyed watching what she calls "The Dynamic" between a brother and sister.
In short, I was fucked.
My resources were limited. I did gay-ass shit like gluing his pencil box shut and putting extremely overripe bananas in the bottom of his backpack, so that we he put his books inside, it would smash wide open.
Everything I did was followed by him beating the Christ out of me.
One day, I was playing with my Strawberry Shortcake doll, and I decided that I wanted to change her little outfit. I opened up the strawberry case that held all of her clothes and rifled through it until I found exactly what I wanted. As I began to undress her, I noticed something odd between her legs.
Pieces of black yarn were glued to her crotch.
I instantly began to cry and ran to my mother with the blossoming Strawberry Shortcake doll in my hands.
"Sweetheart, what's wrong?" she asked.
"There's stuff stuck on my doll," I said between tears as I held a bare-bottomed Strawberry out for her to see.
"Let me take a...OH...um.... Give that to me, now!" she said sternly.
"What's wrong with her?" I asked.
"Well, Strawberry is starting to grow up. That's what happens when you get older," she said as she desperately tried to remove the makeshift pubes.
"Yarn comes out of your pee-hole?" I asked.
"No, hair grows around it," she said.
I started bawling again. Fucking hair? Fucking hair around my crotch? I wiped tears away from my eyes, and said to my mom, "I'm never playing with her again!"
Back at the toy box, I pulled out some My Little Ponies. Clutching a tiny blue brush in my hand, I began to brush Majesty's mane when I noticed that, she too, had pubes. With trepidation, I started looking at all of the crotches on my toys.
Every last one was sporting a full-on 80s bush, and none of the curtains matched the drapes.
My seven year old anger had bloomed into an outright rage. Inside my tiny mind, I began a plot to destroy every last thing that my brother held dear to his dark and evil heart.
The first thing I did was grab the encyclopedia from the shelf in my father's office. "No-No Place" and "Uh-Oh Zone" yielded zero results. I decided to look up "hair," and the information led me to my next search, which was "genitalia." That entry was riveting to my young mind, and through reading the article, I was led to the coup de grace, "sexually transmitted diseases."
It was in this article that I would find the key to ruining my brother's shit. That very night, I did the deed, kissed my mother on the cheek and fell asleep knowing that I had won.
A few weeks later, my brother had some friends over. After physically abusing me for a few hours, they grew tired of my muffled cries and decided that they wanted to do something a little more fun.
"Hey, do you guys want to play Operation?" my brother asked after he stood up from delivering a flying elbow to my skull.
"Yeah!" they all shouted.
Everything happened in slow motion. His arms seemed to hang in the air as he pulled the box down from the shelf and set it down on the table, where his friends, my parents and some of his friends' parents had gathered.
He rested his hands on top of the box, when one of his friends started talking to him, preventing him from removing the lid.
Unable to control my anger, I shouted, "Just open it already! I want to play!"
As he pulled the lid from the box, a horrible odor was released into the air, which immediately forced him to cover his mouth. Everyone gathered around to see what could be causing such a terrible smell.
What they saw was the Operation guy's crotch covered in strawberry jelly, which had actually become moldy after sitting in the box for such a long period of time. Talk about oozing sores!
"Oh, gross!" he shouted.
Instantly, my mother looked at me and said, "Did you do this?"
I simply stated, "Yes. He put pubic hair on all of my toys' genitalia, so I gave the Operation guy herpes."
Her mouth fell to the floor, and the other adults tried to stifle their laughter as my mother tried to be stern. All I remember is that later on that evening, we had a long discussion about not being mean to each other, not allowing food to sit in a box where it can rot and make nasty smells, and puberty.
It wasn't all bad, though. My brother started being much nicer to me, and ended up getting me interested in cool stuff such as video games, violent movies and venting my anger on unsuspecting strangers.
Who says an STD can't be the catalyst in healing a broken relationship?
User Reviews
Submitted by emmakwon (user info) at 2007-02-01 11:44:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-02-01 00:34:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good one.
Submitted by TheJessicar (user info) at 2007-01-26 12:24:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2007-01-10 06:04:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
poor kid
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-10 05:29:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jiminee (user info) at 2007-01-10 05:03:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic!
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2006-11-29 03:13:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story.
Submitted by konohasaiyajin (user info) at 2006-11-28 03:25:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and none of the curtains matched the drapes.
excellent post. will you marry me?
Submitted by hsimah (user info) at 2006-11-27 07:59:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are my hero.
Submitted by Sweetdeviant (user info) at 2006-11-27 07:47:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EdaphonE (user info) at 2006-11-27 07:19:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Genius!!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-29 22:43:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Only thing keeping this from being the best post ever is that someone admittidly forgot to rate once. Surely bart should fix this.
(don't mind me, I'm bitter today)
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-10-07 01:18:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-10-03 08:44:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-09-30 01:30:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-08-17 08:30:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You were blonde as a baby?
...the fuck?
Submitted by bokinsmowls (user info) at 2006-08-16 14:11:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow, i saw all the +2's and a nearly perfect score. so badly do i want to ruin this for you, but im not that huge of a dick.
Submitted by compEngineer0 (user info) at 2006-08-10 12:55:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hermpes (user info) at 2006-05-08 21:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent. just excellent.
Submitted by Bizdorph (user info) at 2006-03-26 06:41:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just for the title.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-26 06:12:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I still love this fucking post...
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-11-11 15:25:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Weelll, now I see what all the +2's are about.
Submitted by KillerCowz (user info) at 2005-11-08 16:14:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by starshine (user info) at 2005-11-06 18:29:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lol "Yarn comes out of your pee-hole?" I asked.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-11-03 08:40:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm glad my little sister wasn't as devious as you.
Submitted by gAGGLE (user info) at 2005-10-23 18:36:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the look on your mom's face when you blurted out The H Word in front of her friends
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-23 18:17:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-10-23 17:53:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How can strawberry jelly grow mold? It's so sugary it would overwhelm fungi.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-10-23 17:22:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-09-15 06:57:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so good
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-08-26 16:11:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is awesome
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-08-23 13:20:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another great one I missed. WTF is wrong with me?
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-07-29 13:41:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome stuff. My sister use to desecrate her own toys and then get pissed at me because mine were still fine.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-06-02 08:18:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shamone!
Submitted by Katelyn (user info) at 2005-05-24 07:09:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-05-17 04:33:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-05-17 04:26:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-05-17 04:24:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-05-17 04:16:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy crap, woman. You are one goddamn funny chica. This was chock full o' goodies.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-17 04:15:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-17 04:15:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
Splendiforous I admit. Pentameter is still confused though, isn't it about time you clapped your hands and said "wake", or have you not reached that chapter of 'how to make women like you through hypnosis'?
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Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-05-17 03:57:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-17 03:17:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-05-16 12:18:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-05-16 12:10:03 (#)
Pentameter - Aw shucks, thanks. Please go and tell Pock that I'm better than him.
--------------------
Dervel is better than you.
That is all.
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Say it isn't so!
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-05-16 17:15:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amazing.
This side of the pond we say "Collar matches the Cuffs", but it was still a great line.
Fantastic as usual.
-Dave
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-05-16 15:03:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
!
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-05-16 14:49:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would be honored to have your children.
Submitted by Ich (user info) at 2005-05-14 23:51:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for liking my suit. Peace and stay brave.
Submitted by Lets_B_Friends (user info) at 2005-05-13 17:17:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hmm yes, well, this was pretty FUCKING AMAZING.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-05-13 17:02:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-05-13 08:28:12 (#)
Ranking: -2
B@W
-----------------------------------------------
Look at that! He gave you a -2!
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-05-13 09:10:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-13 08:47:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Absolutely fucking brilliant.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-05-13 08:28:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-05-13 01:12:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-05-12 14:32:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-12 12:56:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
B@W
B@W
I have read it three times and laughed harder each time. Wonderful Wonderful
Submitted by CoreaPeekay (user info) at 2005-05-12 14:19:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh my god lets make babies.
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2005-05-12 14:10:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The title alone is worth a +2........the fact that you actually SAID it as a child......
brilliance!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-05-12 13:37:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant! I wish I could turn some of my childhood escapades into gems like this...
Submitted by miss_tila (user info) at 2005-05-12 13:32:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-05-12 13:21:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn you, Corporate America....
always standing in the way of my forming angry mobs of children with Pentameter and Tinactin, and then ruling said children with an iron fist.
IRON, I SAY!
Submitted by Technoboy (user info) at 2005-05-12 13:16:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-05-12 13:15:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh heh heh.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-05-12 13:09:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Revenge!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-12 12:56:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
B@W
B@W
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-05-12 12:21:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ms. Lass - I shall IM you as soon as I am released from work later on this afternoon.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-05-12 12:09:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-05-12 12:09:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-05-12 11:43:17 (#)
Ranking: 0
Cookie - Tinactin and I, through DNA testing, have discovered that we are actually brother and sister and were seperated at birth. We rip on each other all the time, because we're related and we can.
-------
I suppose I should expand my shrine then.....
You need to get on AIM so I can bother you more conveniently.
Submitted by VoRn (user info) at 2005-05-12 12:03:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay! Finally something good. The look on the little boys face was the funniest.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2005-05-12 12:02:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic!
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-05-12 11:56:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the curtains matched the drapes
i believe the phrase is 'the carpets matched the drapes"
either way, this was glorious
Submitted by InsoManiac (user info) at 2005-05-12 11:55:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The pic wouldve gotten you a +2 just by itself. Good story too though.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-05-12 11:50:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You write cute stuff.
Can we do it now, or what?
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-05-12 11:43:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cookie - Tinactin and I, through DNA testing, have discovered that we are actually brother and sister and were seperated at birth. We rip on each other all the time, because we're related and we can.
GLALL - Yes. Yes it does.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-05-12 11:39:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you are totally fucked in the head. Feels good doesn't it?
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-05-12 11:34:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'Tameter... I can't continue loving you if you talk smack to Tinactin like that. He's my hero. I have a shrine erected to him in my closet....
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-05-12 11:29:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I forgot to rate. Have another....
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-05-12 11:29:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cookie - I also suck at math. That's why I write. Besides, I used the Mexican as a dig against Tinactin.
Tinactin - My brother is a complete bastard...sort of like you.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-05-12 11:28:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I simply stated, 'Yes. He put pubic hair on all of my toys' genitalia, so I gave the Operation guy herpes.'"
Pure. Fucking. Brilliance.
Marry me.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-05-12 11:20:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I forgot to rate.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-05-12 11:20:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"None of the curtains matched the drapes"
Wow.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-05-12 11:19:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your brother sounds like quite the bastard
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-05-12 11:10:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry. The devil made me do it.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-05-12 11:10:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
See now, if you'd smeared strawberry jam on Strawberry Shortcakes guava, and then hooked up the battery cables from Operation to yo...
Oh dear.
Submitted by interchange (user info) at 2005-05-12 10:51:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-05-12 09:47:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm oddly excited by the thought of Strawberry Shortcake in puberty.
I'm oddly excited by the thought of the Operation Guy with herpes.
What?
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-05-12 10:47:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay. Let me see if I understand your mathematical skills....
Strawberry Shortcake + pubes = sad, nappy-headed mexican girl.
Operation + Herpes lookalike = happy blonde baby?
Hmm. That doesn't sound right. I've never been very good at math.
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-05-12 10:45:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fantastico!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-05-12 10:26:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-05-12 10:18:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-05-12 09:47:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm oddly excited by the thought of Strawberry Shortcake in puberty.
What?
hahaha
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-05-12 10:12:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So, your brother molested you on a daily basis. I sure hope you worked that out...
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-05-12 09:57:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I never really physically tormented my brother. I went for emotional scars. One time, when he was like 6 or 7, I made him watch Nightmare on Elm Street. He didn't sleep for at least a week.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-05-12 09:54:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My brothers never did anything like that. They just had me stand on barbed wire, and wrapped tape around my head, and such like. Ah, childhood....
Submitted by zxcvvcxz (user info) at 2005-05-12 09:48:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have 4 younger siblings. I could walk in there today and join the WWF with no questions asked, as I have years of experience. Except I wouldn't because of that whole "grown men wearing tights rolling around and grabbing each others asses" thing.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-05-12 09:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm oddly excited by the thought of Strawberry Shortcake in puberty.
What?
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-05-12 09:45:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Every last one was sporting a full-on 80s bush, and none of the curtains matched the drapes.
I disturbed the office reading this.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-05-12 09:44:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And yet another awesome post.
This was great.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-05-12 09:44:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah, yeah...it's funny.
i'm an only child, so my resources are far more limted.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-05-12 09:41:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great!
Submitted by iamasmallgoat (user info) at 2005-05-12 09:40:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
first read of the morning and I was not disappointed.
Submitted by clumeister (user info) at 2005-05-12 09:40:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heheheh
Funny story :P
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-05-12 09:39:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking score!
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-05-12 09:33:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm thankful that I wasn't an "only child", even if my brothers and sisters were, for the most part, a pain in the derriere.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-05-12 09:32:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant.
I laughed lots.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-05-12 09:31:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-05-12 09:27:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-05-12 09:21:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
IT WASN'T SHIT ENOUGH THE FIRST TIME SOU YOU AMPED IT UP