I smell like burnt asshole (755 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.95 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by vodka7tall <vodka7tall.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-05-13 09:57:15 EDT
So I'm sleeping soundly last night, when all of a sudden, the bedroom door opens. It's my husband, who has just returned home from work. Time: 4:00 am.
"Uh, honey... I'm sorry to wake you, but how do you get skunk smell out of a dog?"
In my half-conscious state, I slowly become aware that the putrid stench I'd been smelling for the last few minutes was not, in fact, a dream. My dumbass dog had managed to get herself sprayed by a skunk, and the distinct scent of burnt asshole and rotting carcass was now wafting throughout my humble abode.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" I ask, although the disgusting odor in the air should have been more than enough to assure me he was not. The smell was looming all around me, just hanging in the atmosphere like a dense fog. The rancid air was so thick, it caught in the very back of my throat, instantly triggering my gag reflex.
I send him to the 7-Eleven to pick up some tomato juice, and quickly usher the dog into the tub. I start washing her down using her regular dog shampoo. I had just finished a second round of bathing, which more or less resulted in the dog smelling like wet dog, burnt asshole, and a hint of chamomile, when he returned from the store. I left my husband to tend to the dog, while I went about the house trying to rid it of this retched smell.
I open every window in the joint. I turn on the ceiling fan. I leave the bathroom exhaust fan running. I light 15 or 20 scented candles. I empty half a can of Air Wick Melon Burst air freshener. By this time my senses have been assaulted with so many various aromas, I can't tell if the smell is gone, or if I've just become accustomed to it.
I start sniffing things at random. First the furniture - OK. Then the four throw pillows - OK, good, not bad, fuck ME that stinks!! She must have come into contact with the last one. Into the dryer it goes with half a box of Orchard Fresh Bounce. I sniff clothing, bed sheets, pillows, dish towels. I sniff the sweaters hanging on the backs of the dining room chairs. Hell, I even sniff my two cats just for good measure, although I'm not sure how much they appreciate it. It appears as though the scent has been confined to the dog and the last throw pillow. Worst comes to worst, I can always throw the pillow out. And as for the dog... don't be silly, you can't throw out the dog. I'm pretty sure the garbage man won't take her anyway.
Convinced that I have exorcised the house of the shit demon, I return to the bathroom to take stock. My husband is in the middle of drying off the dog with my best bath towels. Great. I guess I can add a trip to Home Outfitters to my to do list for today. Fortunately for him, I'm too tired to complain.
I lean down to the dog, and start sniffing her, beginning in the middle of her back. Not bad, I must say. I didn't feel like retching at all! I keep sniffing, to make sure we haven't missed anything, and all seems well, until I reach her muzzle. It reeks of kerosene and fart. I had no idea that was what skunk spray was made up of. He must have got her right in the nose. Fuck.
Back in the tub she goes, and my husband attempts to wash her snout, which she doesn't take to very well. By this time I decide that I have done all I can do, and return to my cozy bed, only to discover that my hair, my hands, and my pillow all smell like shit. Fuck it, it's 5:30 am, and I have to work in a few hours. I try to sleep, but all I can do is envision myself swimming in a cesspool filled with toxic waste. It actually smells better than my hair at this point.
I finally fall asleep, and don't wake up until 7:15. My alarm didn't sound for some reason. So great. Not only will I be tired all day, I'm also going to be late for work. I crawl out of bed, hop into the shower and scrub vigorously. My husband packs my lunch while I get dressed. I grab some breakfast to eat on the way, grab my sweater from the back of the chair and head out the door just in time.
I arrive at work, plant myself at my desk, and begin putting together the work orders for the service crew. Shortly thereafter, one of the servicemen enters the office from the shop. He leans on my counter patiently waiting for his paperwork.
"Hmm..." he says nonchalantly. "Must be a skunk outside." Keep in mind, this is coming from a man who wades knee-deep in shit on a daily basis (he's a plumber) and rarely showers to boot. Panic sets in.
"What did you say?" I ask sternly.
"A skunk... there must be one outside," he repeats. I tilt my head down to my chest, and lift the fabric of my shirt to my nose.
I smell like burnt asshole.
Suddenly it dawns on me. The sweater. In my haste to get out the door, I had grabbed my sweater from the back of the chair, and worn it out. By that point, I had been so engulfed in stench, I hadn't been able to smell the retchedness of the sweater. I pull the sweater from the hook by the office door, and take a whiff. PHEEEEWWW!!! HOLY CHRIST ON A CRACKER!!
The dog must have rubbed up against it before I got her to the tub, and I had just transferred the smell from the sweater to my fresh, clean clothes. Now I'm stuck here smelling like I've freshly shit myself. I'm reminded of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry's car smells like B.O. and begin to feel a little ill.
I just hope no customers come in to pay their bills today.
User Reviews
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2005-05-13 15:24:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-05-13 14:02:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought I was the only person who said Christ on a Cracker! I'm SO glad I'm not alone... I totally thought I made that phrase up.
+2PIE
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Come to think of it, I can't really remember where I picked that one up. It may have been here, for all I know, so maybe you did make it up!?! I would have credited you had I known!!
Submitted by Zootismygod (user info) at 2005-05-13 14:33:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My dog got face-skunked last year. It went up her nose, too. She breathed skunk for about 4 months. Her fur was fine, but I still couldn't be in the same room with her.
Best of luck to you!!
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-05-13 14:17:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2005-05-13 14:16:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I needed a good laugh. Great writing!
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-05-13 14:02:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought I was the only person who said Christ on a Cracker! I'm SO glad I'm not alone... I totally thought I made that phrase up.
+2PIE
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-13 13:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love the way you wrote this. I could picture the whole thing as I read along.
Awesome!
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-05-13 12:40:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"kerosene and fart".
rofliron
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2005-05-13 11:56:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-05-13 10:03:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh SHIT! I've been there!
Both my dogs got sprayed, so that meant that I had to hit Wal-Mart at 11:30 at night to buy five gallons of tomato juice. Fun, fun stuff.
The smell doesn't go away for WEEKS.
And your description of it as "burnt asshole" is actually quite accurate.
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Weeks? Really? Please tell me you're kidding.... We couldn't get the smell off her muzzle. So not only does she have horrid dog breath, she smells like she stuck her head up the arse of rotting road kill. Add to it that the smell is driving her nuts, so she's been rubbing her face all over my furniture trying to get it off. And now you're telling me she'll smell like that for weeks????
Fucking rodents.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-05-13 11:50:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mother of God that's a tragic tale. In Europe we made sure to kill every single creature that was bigger than a bug that was in any way offensive.
With the exception of the French obviously.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-05-13 11:49:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't mean to sound overly critical...here's another +2 for your pain!
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2005-05-13 11:26:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-05-13 11:16:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
You got up at 4:00 am to wash the dog?
Don't you have a back yard to send him to?
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Putting her in the back yard at 4 am is what got me into this mess in the first place. No way was I sending her out for round 2!
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-05-13 11:16:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You got up at 4:00 am to wash the dog?
Don't you have a back yard to send him to?
Submitted by clumeister (user info) at 2005-05-13 11:08:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
-Now I'm stuck here smelling like I've freshly shit myself.
All the healthy stench but none of that warm squishyness running down your leg?
How sad for you; have a +2 :P
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-05-13 10:51:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Febreeze.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-05-13 10:38:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lovely post.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-05-13 10:27:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Reminds me of that time that He-Man battled Stinkor.
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-05-13 10:25:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was worth it for "HOLY CHRIST ON A CRACKER!! " alone!!!
you just freaked out two photographers and a cleaner with my loud guffaw, I commend you.
B@W.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-13 10:24:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-05-13 10:11:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W material.
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Agreed, this was hilarious and with no unneccesary sexual innuendo or titties. It was just plain funny.
Submitted by Bayley (user info) at 2005-05-13 10:17:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ugh! That sounds like a terrible night!
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-05-13 10:17:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You smell like +2
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-05-13 10:13:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nothin' like a good, old-fashioned snout washin'.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-05-13 10:11:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W material.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-05-13 10:08:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
plus dues for the title. i'll read it now
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-05-13 10:04:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Did you guys have sex when you were done fucking with the dog?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/66194
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-05-13 10:03:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh SHIT! I've been there!
Both my dogs got sprayed, so that meant that I had to hit Wal-Mart at 11:30 at night to buy five gallons of tomato juice. Fun, fun stuff.
The smell doesn't go away for WEEKS.
And your description of it as "burnt asshole" is actually quite accurate.
Submitted by Sofa_Ace (user info) at 2005-05-13 10:03:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
entertaining.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-05-13 10:01:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No soup for you!