Make Me Smile - Ubercontest? (5065 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.77 on 98 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Munkeypants (View user info) at 2005-05-13 11:32:43 EDT
Hey guys. Munkey here.
Today is not a good day. Not good at all.
Anybody know a good lawyer? Preferably one that'll work for
$28?
Anyway I need to smile. I do. The weekend is here, the sun is shining,
I'm getting shitfaced tonight.... sounds good right? Well, I just
can't do anything but sit here and cry. Fuck work. <eats chocolate and cries>
So here is what I need you to do. Make me laugh. Make me smile.
Cheer me up. Leave funny reviews or make me a post. Tell me jokes.
Leave links to pictures or stories on your favorite site (SFW please).
Sorry guys, I don't think I will be on aim, yahoo, or msn anytime soon.
I don't quite feel like chatting it up.
If you do indeed make me laugh I will go back and +2 some of your best posts.
Thanks. You guys rock.
Here is a picture that I though was beautiful. I love pictures like this.
may be slightly NSFW so I will make you scroll a bit.
Fair warning: May be NSFW if your boss is anal. Don't say I didn't warn you.
User Reviews
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-06-14 14:42:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you made me smile:)
Where did his hand go? nice.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-06-06 11:28:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Resurrect the semi-old post! Gain more hits! This is the only thing I am good for, other than exclamation points!
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-16 22:19:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck i hate you DR...
Anyway, I have a joke.
This rich fella is looking for a place to drink and he walks into a local bar. Looking around for a bit, he sees the last remaining seat up at the counter next to a local pleb. So the rich guy goes up, grabs a few drinks and soon enough the rich man and the commoner strike up conversation:
"I should probably be out looking for a present for my wife for our anniversary." says the rich man while sipping down a beer.
"Yeah," replies the commoner "Me too, mate. It's the Mrs' birthday soon. Got any idea what you're gong to get her?"
"Yeah..." answers richie "I'm gonna get her a Porsche and a Ferrari."
"Bloody oath!" exclaims the poor fella "Why two?"
"Well, the way i see it, if she doesn't like the Porsche she can drive the ferrari. If she doesn't like the ferrari she can drive the porsche.... What are you getting your wife?"
"Oh," says the poor guy "I'm gonna get her a dressing gown and a dildo!"
"Uh, why?"
"The way i see it, if she doesn't like the gown, she can go fuck herself."
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-05-16 20:34:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Williamson! AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!... ... ... :( ... ... sorry.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-16 14:00:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what??
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-05-16 04:02:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What's pasty and sleeps alone?
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-05-16 03:53:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hope you're feeling better today lass, even though it's Monday :)
Submitted by Ivy (user info) at 2005-05-16 02:42:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hope you're still checking this. The following link is super funny but I think it's 'cause I live in a place where this sort of shit happens. I'm not saying the shit is funny, just the link. Enjoy.
http://www.fractalcow.com/rex/high.html
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-05-14 23:47:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ok Pants. One time years back I got a Clapper as a Christmas gift. Not a bad thing, really. But I was dating a girl who was into spankings.
Do I need to finish this?
No time to fin now, but if I do, as a post, I'll link back to your post here for making me remember.
Submitted by Ich (user info) at 2005-05-14 23:26:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for your kind words. You are one of the few people who thought of her feelings.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-14 06:54:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My boss does anal????
Submitted by Ivy (user info) at 2005-05-14 06:50:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMGWTF?! That Gonads and Strife and the Nukes thing were too fucking funny. You're right munkeypants, this has made people who needed a giggle feel a little better. God knows I needed it.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-05-14 00:09:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you. Grab your sister by her sexy ass and come drinkin' with me on Saturday night at Coyote Ugly.
http://www.coyoteuglysaloon.com/boston/index.html
Daisy's crazy hot, but Sonya was the cream of the crop. She assaulted me with her tits and a can of whipped cream and I liked it. Sadly, it appears as though she has left this fine establishment.
Submitted by Squijee (user info) at 2005-05-14 00:02:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/59753
You seemed to like my first one, and this is it's typically weaker sequel (although it's carrying a higher rating...WEIRDNESS).
Cowabunga.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-13 22:50:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Caes, that review is priceless.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-13 22:37:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh stop being so negative Lisa. this was so cool.
if anything it cheered other people up who
were also having a bad day. Come on, look at
all the funny stuff that came out of this. dont
be such a negative nancy.
hahaha negative nancy
i crack myself up
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2005-05-13 22:22:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Here's a tip for anyone who feels like taking a day off from being a total nerd. Don't ever bribe people with +2's. That's quite possibly--no, it is--the saddest thing anyone could ever do. What the fuck? A "plus two". An arbitrary rating on a post, and insincere nonetheless. Does anyone actually keep track of their ratings? Does anyone care? If you do, seriously, cram your throat and nostrils with Play-Doh, wrap your head in duct tape and just go to sleep. "Hey man, if you beat me in Age of Empires, I'll let you be Luke Skywalker everytime we role play for the next WHOLE MONTH."
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-05-13 21:20:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sending you happy waves from my happy place RIGHT NOW!
If you can't feel them yet it's because they are probably having trouble with customs.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-05-13 20:22:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to do all the cocaine left on earth tonight.
And probably a few hookers.
:)
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-05-13 20:21:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry,
I'm all out of Michael Bolton albums.
"Time Love & Tenderness"
ooooooooogod
I'm gonna hurl..............
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2005-05-13 19:41:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No matter how upset you are, you can always take comfort in the fact that you're not Rosie O'Donnell
http://www.alldumb.com/item/11746/
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-05-13 19:09:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Munkey, just remeber to jump on your bed tonight...
...and stuff.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-05-13 18:40:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Must be nice to have such a positive turnout. It's a nice change from all the negative bullshit you usually see on Uber.
I am cranky.
Here's a dumb little story. Two days ago my radio alarm went off. It started playing classical music, which apparently doesn't do much to penetrate the early morning brain-fog, because my first impulse was to turn my lamp off.
I have a floor lamp with a dimmer switch. I reached blindly out to turn the switch, but I kept missing it (in reality I just wasn't reaching high enough for it). So my half-awake brain managed to make a logical decision; I wrapped my hand around the shaft of my lamp, so my thumb was touching my fingers, and began to raise and lower my hand in a suspiciously hand-jobbish motion, feeling for the switch.
So basically, I was jerking off my lamp for about ten seconds before it dawned on me that my lamp doesn't play classical music.
Eh, I tried. Hope you feel better.
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2005-05-13 18:23:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Munkey,
I know you not, since I havent been on Uber for a while......but....
I too am having a shite day....and simply reading what others have said to you
to cheer you up has helped me as well!
(PS. Loki..........I am SOOOOO sorry that happened.............that beyond sucks, and I would
have had much the same reaction, I have no doubt.....................................but......
.......................your story really made me laugh.........................)
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-13 16:52:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
a few hours ago, eh? lesse... it's 4:51 pm here... you are about 3 hours behind EST...
oooooooh
you go girl!
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-05-13 16:48:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-13 16:30:09 (#)
Ranking: 0
Snark,
That was funny. I love stupid shit like that.
How was your head this morning? You were feeling pretty good last night weren't you?
hahaha.. you just kept laughing and typing crazy things.
================
Last night was awesome!
The date ended a few hours ago.
My head feels fine. I worked the alchohol right out of my system.
Now I'm sitting here and waiting for a call to go into work. We are moving offices and I'm waiting for the OK from the Network Team before I go in to bring up the servers that house our Enterprise Data Warehouse.
I'm gonna walk into IT hell with a permagrin.
Gotta love that afterglow!
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-05-13 16:41:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's it, I'm going home now to take a shower.
Hey we have a chemical burn shower downstairs, maybe I should start with that.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-13 16:37:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BLARF!
UGH
Loki, that is nasty. I can't stand spiders. I don't like pictures of them,
I don't like fake ones... eewwwwwww <heebie jeebies>
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-05-13 16:37:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Loki's got spiders.
Loki's got S-P-I-D-E-R-S
Loki's got spiders
hahahaha
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-05-13 16:30:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I got one for you and this is actually true.
This morning I was running just a tiny bit late because I played the ohgodno snooze alarm game one time too many. Then there was some considerable excitement on the run when a rabbit dared to run across the road in front of us.
Ok so then I was drying my hair and smelled something odd. It kind of smelled like something cooking, but not something good cooking more like something burning but not a burned hair or electrical sort of smell like one might expect while blow drying one's hair.
I ignored it for a few seconds because whatever it was, I just didn't want to deal with it but it wasn't going away. I turned off the dryer and looked into it. There was a spider inside the heating element. That's right A SPIDER, a wicked huge ass spider that was by then quite cooked.
I freaked the fuck out, screamed like a girl, and threw the dryer across the room which I believe under the circumstances is a perfectly acceptable reaction. Sam had already left for work so the dogs came running in there to see what was going on. I tried to explain the situation, but since I didn't use any of the key words in their vocabulary like; squirrel, cookie, ride, or run they couldn't figure it out. Nikki sniffed the dryer and when I screamed again they decided that I must want them to jump on me.
I almost took another shower because I was/am convinced that I am completely covered in tiny, cooked spider particles.
oh oh OOOHHHH I'm still freaked out
The only reason I didn't take another shower was because I was running late and pretty sure that I would run out of hot water before I got all the spider ashes off of me.
I dried my hair by aiming the a/c vents at my head on the ride into work.
It is not a good hair day.
I called Sam and bitched into his voice mail about it. He apparently played this message to his coworkers, several times because they thought it was funny.
That's right laugh at me all covered in spider molecules.
I'm going to take a shower when I get home. Maybe even a bubble bath.
Then I'm going to call an exterminator.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-13 16:30:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Snark,
That was funny. I love stupid shit like that.
How was your head this morning? You were feeling pretty good last night weren't you?
hahaha.. you just kept laughing and typing crazy things.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-05-13 16:14:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow!
What happened Munkey? You were in such a good mood last night.
Here, this is old but it always cheers me up:
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/weeee.php
Submitted by Wyellbee (user info) at 2005-05-13 16:11:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry that you're having a bad day...
This is hilarious if you're Italian or you're been to Italy:
http://albinoblacksheep.com/flash/italy.php
And these are funny no matter who you are:
http://albinoblacksheep.com/flash/end.php
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/piepiepie.php
Have a good one...
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2005-05-13 15:47:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/66250
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-05-13 15:38:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HEY. I have a sister who's a lawyer. As far as I am concerned, she does not suck.
What's going on MP?
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-05-13 15:36:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/57050
Don't know if you read it or not, but I hope it makes you laugh...
:)
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-05-13 15:25:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Munks :)
lawyers suck. I know I have a friend just got his BAR and he's gay.
I'll have amany a drink for you this weekend. OK some are for me too.
Peace doll, I don't know you, but I know you rock the Hiz-house!!!
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-05-13 15:13:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gYou've ggot gmail.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2005-05-13 15:05:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://free.hostdepartment.com/s/sebcharrot/images/dirtybastard.jpg
in reply to this post: http://www.ubersite.com/m/66239
possible nsfw
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-05-13 15:03:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2005-05-13 14:08:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
walk it off
------------------
nah dude it's SKATE IT OFF
feel better pantalones de teh munkey!
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2005-05-13 14:58:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SING THIS IN SHOWTUNES STYLE
PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS VAGINAL CENTIPEDES
PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS VAGINAL CENTIPEDES
THAT'S IT
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-05-13 14:48:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A joke! It's joke time!
Why do black people smell so bad?
So blind people can hate them too!
Have a great day!
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2005-05-13 14:48:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A blonde chick reads in the paper:
WANTED: WOMAN TO MATE WITH APE
$3000
The blonde immediately picked up the phone.
"I'll do it!" she said vibrantly.
"You will?" said the guy on the other end of the line.
"Sure!" she said. "Just give me a litte time to come up with the 3000 bucks."
Submitted by AshyLarry (user info) at 2005-05-13 14:46:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Worst album covers of all time.
http://porktornado.diaryland.com/albumcover.html
http://porktornado.diaryland.com/covers2.html
Everybody gotta wear clothes. If you don't, you could get arrested.
http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2669011?htv=12
Solid gold Mr. T goodness.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2005-05-13 14:38:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?
One doesn't come on your face till puberty.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2005-05-13 14:26:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You listen to me Paula.
You are a great person who even loves the crap I spew out on Ubersite.
If you want me to beat someone up I will!
Right after lunch period!
Behind the big oak tree!
OH YEAH!!
I AM A MANIAC, MANIAC!
AND I'M DANCING LIKE IVE NEVER DANCED BEFORE!!!!!!
Whoa what the fuck happend up there?
Am I gay now?
Well lets go get some cock.....I mean lunch!!
Crap what did I say?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-05-13 14:16:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry dear. I hope your day gets better.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-05-13 14:16:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-05-13 13:12:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
You can never have enough ass Cleaner around the orifice.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-05-13 14:08:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn it all. I'm checking other posts now to see if any more damage was done. Apologies to anyone else who comes across such a thing. Egads.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2005-05-13 14:08:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
walk it off
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-05-13 14:03:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's another. I changed my password. Suck it.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-05-13 14:02:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No joke. Someone AIMed me under the name "bricanta670" and said that they had my Uber password. They signed off. That wasn't me, Munkey! WHO ARE YOU, bricanta670???
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-05-13 14:01:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WHO???
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-05-13 14:01:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GAH!!! WHO HAS MY PASSWORDS??????
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-05-13 14:00:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Ring the bells. An uber chick is upset. Uber sisters, come join her in sisterhood and help her get her groove back! Uber men, do your best to appear sweet while fantasizing about her saying "you were so nice to me that time when i posted about being upset. Let's fuck." I'm going to offer the best fruits of the season to the mother goddess for you today, munkeypants. I hope against hope that in her almighty mercies she'll come down and make your day all better lickety-split!
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-05-13 14:00:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for avals picture.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-05-13 13:55:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here, a tale of people doing stupid things!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/66244
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-05-13 13:45:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://artpad.art.com/gallery/?igfvy7ls330
Sorry, that's the best I've got.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-05-13 13:37:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It may not make you smile, but I'm definitely having a bad week. I could use 50-100k right about now.
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2005-05-13 13:20:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
All the good lawyers are 6' under. Here's a shovel link http://www.bartcop.com/confab-shovel.jpg
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-05-13 13:18:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I don't know why they call this stuff hamburger helper, it does just fine on its own."
cousin eddie
national lampoons vacation
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-05-13 13:14:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
here ya go.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/66240
:)
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-05-13 13:12:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You can never have enough ass Cleaner around the office.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-05-13 13:12:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My favorite Stephen Wright line (a Boston native, too!):
Everyone here who's into telekinesis, raise my hand.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-13 13:05:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bob,
You know what made me giggle? I went around and blacked out the 'GL' from all
of the glass cleaner cans in our office. I think I saw that on one of your
posts.
I feel better now.
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2005-05-13 13:05:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know if this will make you smile, but I have $2.00 I am willing to donate to your legal fund.
Don't get too excited. It's $2.00 Canadian.
Hope you're feeling better soon!!!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-05-13 12:57:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is there a cure for crab rangoons?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-13 12:51:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you all rock my face off.
I am content. I have crab rangoons and lobster sauce for lunch.
All you you made me smile and/or choke on laughter. A good kind of choke
of course.
Submitted by pantsarestupid (user info) at 2005-05-13 12:43:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
See how emotional I am?!
Submitted by pantsarestupid (user info) at 2005-05-13 12:43:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey munkey. I don't know what your trouble is but if it makes you feel
any better, I do believe we're in the same leaky boat. I also need
a lawyer who will work for $28 dollars and have been crying since 4 this
morning.
Sometimes you just gotta get it out I guess.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-05-13 12:41:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/51936
My favorite Adam post.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-05-13 12:31:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks Ms. Munkey.
(He's not home yet, but he's at least still safe and sound in a country much less hostile than Iraq).
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-05-13 12:30:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-05-13 12:23:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Munkey...think...You. Me. Beach. Jeep. Block Island. Boats. Babes. Beers.
------------------
If that doesn't make you smile, something must be bad wrong Gal.
Hell, it made me smile.
Need another joke?
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-05-13 12:29:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We stuck my grand-dad in the ground yesterday, I had a garage fire while I was at the funeral. Now i got an extra opening to my garage. Hopefully my crappy day yesterday can make you smile today. Of course im going on the basis that maybe when bad shit happens to others you smile like i do.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-05-13 12:23:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-05-13 11:39:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
How about this? I'm coming out of my retirement to say hello to you.
<WAVING> HI!
---
I knew he couldn't stay away.
Munkey...think...You. Me. Beach. Jeep. Block Island. Boats. Babes. Beers.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-05-13 12:16:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-05-13 12:14:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
I am also poor and can't afford lawyers fees at the moment.
I'm so poor, I can't even aford some candy and a bus ticket to the park :(
-----------
This is GOLD.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-05-13 12:14:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll be happy to cheer you up.
How about this. While you're blowing me, I'll tickle your uterus with my free hand.
Hope this helps!
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-05-13 12:14:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am also poor and can't afford lawyers fees at the moment.
I'm so poor, I can't even aford some candy and a bus ticket to the park :(
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-05-13 12:02:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Feel good soon Munkey.
All I could come up with was.......
http://www.ubersite.com/m/49202
By Useless.
-Dave
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-05-13 12:02:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MY NUTS, MY NUTS, MY NUTS ARE IN YOUR BUTT!!!
Hey, if it worked once before...
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2005-05-13 11:59:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What's green and smells of pork?
Kermit's finger.
---
What's pink and smells of ginger?
Fred Astaire's cock.
----
A man walks into a bar, goes up to the barman and asks for 6 double vodkas. The barman, surprised, says "My God, why do you need all that alcohol?" to which the man replies "I've just found out my little brother's gay". The barman gives him the 6 double vodkas, and the man promptly drinks them and stumbles home.
The next night, he walks back in and asks for 6 double vodkas. The barman says "What do you need 6 double vodkas for now?" and the man says "My big brother's gay". The barman gives him his vodkas. He downs them and stumbles home.
The next night, the same man walks into the bar, and asks for another 6 double vodkas. The barman, amazed, says "My god! Does noone in your family like women???" And the man replies:
"Yeah.... my wife"
--------------
LINKS
http://www.ubersite.com/m/53553
http://www.ubersite.com/m/40538
http://www.ubersite.com/m/64294
http://maddox.xmission.com/26_things.html
Submitted by Heathers (user info) at 2005-05-13 11:58:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There once was a man named Sweeny
whose wife was a terrible meany
The hatch on her snatch
Had a catch that would latch
And she could only get fucked by Houdini
Not mine, but it made me smile.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-05-13 11:56:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*Hugs*
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-05-13 11:50:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.mil-millington.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
Aww girl... *hug*
Look - click on the above and read "things my girlfriend and I argue about".
Its pretty long but you'll love it - it'll make you laugh, I promise. Would Merlina lie to you?!
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-05-13 11:44:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well you could try this, seems to help the female persuasion
http://www.rent-a-dildo.com/index.htm
and I have always found this funny
http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/archives-aut02.php
and this place is great for pictures to put on your posts
http://www.artshole.co.uk/index%20to%20go%20up.htm
I promise to post some jokes for ya in a bit
Buck up soldier, It can't rain all the time.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-05-13 11:44:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Meh.
Submitted by Lets_B_Friends (user info) at 2005-05-13 11:44:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
she always cheers me up: http://sportsbybrooks.com/Denise1.html
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-05-13 11:41:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Smile, Paula Punkey Pants.....Hadley is here with some giggles and emus.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/54496
And if that didn't make you smile, SURELY this will
http://www.ubersite.com/m/65676
And if all else fails, I'll send you a picture of me smiling.....
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-05-13 11:40:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
after certain activities involving myself and the police, i needed a laywer.
my court costs came up to $700
my lawyer's fees were over $1,500
ghey
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-05-13 11:40:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh poopsie, come run away to Canada. We need a nanny - want the job?
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-05-13 11:39:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How about this? I'm coming out of my retirement to say hello to you.
<WAVING> HI!
All is well in the world. The sun is shining bright, the birds are chirping, spring is here, and life is good. You're one of my favorite people and I won't idly by if you are annoyed. So dammit, cheer up!!
How about one of my favorite lines from Mitch Hedberg : "I wrote a letter to my dad- I wrote, I really enjoy being here. But I accidently wrote rarely, instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I crossed it out and wrote I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator. This letter took a harsh turn right away."
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-05-13 11:39:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A 79 year old man walking by the creek hears a voice at his feet. He looks down and sees a frog looking up at him.
Frog: "Hey, old man."
Old man: <bends over and picks up the frog> "How are you?"
Frog: "I am a princess who was turned into a frog by my evil step mother"
Old Man: "Really"
Frog: "Yes, and if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful woman, more beautiful than any woman you have ever laid eyes on. Except the one called 'Munkeypants'."
Old Man: "Hmmm, she is a looker." and then puts the frog down into the pocket of his pants.
Frog: <muffled> "Hey, you old bastard"
Old man: <removes frog> "What"
Frog: "You forgot to kiss me, I won't turn into a blowjob giving princess unless you do"
Old Man: "I'm 79 goddamn years old. I'd rather have a talking Frog."
Dada da da dada damp........<rimshot>
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-05-13 11:37:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Chin up.
There, there.
This one usually does it for me:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/35708
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-05-13 11:36:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://albinoblacksheep.com/flash/strawberry.php
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-05-13 11:35:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
give me an hour or so
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-05-13 11:34:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why do you need a lawyer ?
What did you do?
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-05-13 11:34:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/64478
I consider this my only good post.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-05-13 11:34:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I know a couple good lawyers . . . probably none in your area though.