Defeat (772 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ivy (View user info) at 2005-05-15 09:09:36 EDT
Frequent flyer miles could never make up the spaces in my life. Sometimes I wonder why decisions we make have such adverse effects on our lives, but I know the answer to that question before I can even finish the thought.
My boyfriend dumped me a week and a bit ago. He called me at work to tell me it was over, that he'd met someone else. One year of my life and you can't even give me the decency of doing it in person? I'd moved into his place less than a week before. He said, "Shit timing."
I cannot believe how hard and cold he was to me on the phone. How could someone who knows me so well be so callous with my emotions?
I cannot stay in this country any longer. I have to go.
How cowardly of me to run away.
-----
I met an angel the other night. He took me on a spiritual trip in the middle of the dodgiest bar in Dubai.
That's weird.
Every time I think about the ex I think about the angel and I feel fine. How is it that some people manage to weave themselves into our lives at the exact moment in time that we need them?
-----
The answer to my initial thought was that I needed to learn something from the prick in order to grow in my life. Usually it takes me a little while to figure out what the lesson is, but I think the lesson here is not to settle for less than you expect or deserve. I know that's obvious, but it was something that I thought about a lot while we were together, though I couldn't let go of him no matter how much sense it made. And then he broke my heart. Again.
Man, I want to take a shotgun to his face and blow it the fuck apart. I'm so not violent; I have no idea where that came from.
Why the fuck does everything always have to be so fucking difficult?
------
And then the world stops long enough for me to get slapped in the face, a steel-toed boot to the jaw.
On Thursday I was out dancing with my girls when I bumped into a mutual friend of my ex's and mine. She asked me if I knew who he'd left me for and I told her I didn't; that I suspected it was his house mate because I'd had a dream about it. She told me I was right. I didn't want to know.
His fucking house mate?! The one whose boyfriend dumped her three months ago and I took flowers to?! The one I sat up with at night and told she'd be okay? What the fuck is wrong with people?!
I left the club and went outside to cry. Leaning against a pillar, balling my eyes out a stranger came up to me and asked me to stop crying. I just put my arms around him and he held me for five minutes as I drenched his shoulder with mascara and eyeliner. A drunken stranger cared more about me than the person I had loved for the better part of a year. Yes, we'd broken up a few times before. How foolish of me to have forgiven him each time he came crawling back.
And the only thing that comes to mind is that I feel utterly betrayed. Defeated. I never truly understood the meaning of the word until now. Just as I was starting to pull myself together, life took a hold of me and pulled me down into a place that I loathe.
Ivy, people will surprise you and you will get hurt. Not until they reveal their innermost thoughts and their darkest moments do you really know what others are capable of, but you just have to pick yourself up and keep going.
I cannot believe this is my reality right now.
User Reviews
Submitted by dooawop (user info) at 2005-12-04 17:34:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I enjoyed this post. The whole time I was reading it I was thinking about punching you in the face. Way to help filter my emotions.
Shitstain.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-11-25 14:48:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lovely.
Hope everything is working out ok for you.
Submitted by Dea (user info) at 2005-06-14 03:46:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-05-24 04:20:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
People are strange...
Good luck to you. I'm still nursing some wounds from love myself.
Submitted by Ich (user info) at 2005-05-16 23:42:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it. It very successfully conveyed an emotion.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-15 22:27:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-05-15 15:26:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Any one else smell sulfur?"
-Deconstucting Harry
Submitted by Or_ (user info) at 2005-05-15 14:37:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That sucks.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-05-15 12:45:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Go get raped.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-05-15 11:37:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I <3 -2!
Submitted by caitlinR (user info) at 2005-05-15 11:37:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are some majoy dodgy bars in Dubai, but nothing compared to abu dhabi. I'm sorry about what happened.
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-05-15 11:34:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by J4M3S (user info) at 2005-05-15 10:45:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was going to say exactly what Pentameter said, but got beaten to the post. So Ditto to that.
I have had to force myself to interact with the human race, minus the hangups from that relationship. Still ain't easy. I have become much more assertive and hardly ever take shit from people these days, but I'm not cold to people for no reason anymore.
Chin up, I feel for you.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-05-15 10:06:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OK i was where you are about two and a half years ago, and i'm still very cold to people now. I know i'm still reacting, but it'll be VERY difficult to push forward again, especially as in my case i can fill the intervening period with one night stands and drunken hook-ups.
Submitted by Ivy (user info) at 2005-05-15 09:57:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh Pentameter thanks. I keep wondering how this is going to change me and I really fear that it will turn me into a hardass. And I have no idea how I can trust not only boys, but girls as well. That thought really saddens me. And thanks c1ndy, I have no desire to partake in the bullshit right now.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-05-15 09:29:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good God...I went through something similar.
My advice:
1. Running away will not solve anything...your problems follow you wherever you go.
2. DO NOT let what he did to you effect you in other relationships. Not every man is like that - don't treat the next guy you meet like he's a cheating sack of slime. It's unfair to compare apples to oranges. The next guy isn't this guy.
3. Fuck 'em. You're better than him, you deserve better and you'll find someone much better. Don't settle for anything less than what you deserve.
Good luck and feel better. He is not worth the tears you shed for him.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-05-15 09:27:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
another +2 because I'm trying to encourage all the cool people on this site who appear to be uninvolved in the hate.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-05-15 09:24:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 cos I'm guessing this is real.
Submitted by Ivy (user info) at 2005-05-15 09:23:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks. I wrote the different parts on different days, sorry about the jumpiness.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2005-05-15 09:13:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All honesty, this was too jumpy for me.
But hoo boy do I ever feel you here. It'll pass, babe.