It's Always Anal (1525 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Cunning Vision (View user info) at 2005-05-16 07:28:14 EDT
While I was dating this girl - http://www.ubersite.com/m/32608 - there were many crazy adventures in sexual exploration, both physical and psychological. That chica was a little crazy, but it made for the best kind of sex: creative and spontaneous.
Unfortunately, that relationship ruined me for life. I now need a girl who likes to be tied up, who likes to watch porn, and who likes Jiff peanutbutter.
Also, now I always say afterwards, "That was great anal."
This started, as most habits often do, with a single incident. I try to look at it as a lesson, but what a hard way to learn.
It was toward the beginning of our relationship. Sarah and I were sharing more and more of our fantasies and acting them out. There was the nurse outfit, doing it in a moving car, and plantains. But, while watching a porn together one quiet evening, I saw a couple doing it doggy style. Then he quickly, without missing a beat, slipped it in her bum.
"Let's try that!" I said.
"Well, I don't know," she said. "I heard it hurts."
So, after I humped her rump, I discovered that it was fun. But, for some reason, she didn't really like it. So, it was only saved for very special occasions. Like Thursdays.
Anyway, one night we go out for a few drinks. I try some weird Greek liquor over ice and she has enough martinis to build a toothpick house. We head back to our place and proceed to burn the sheets like a KKK rally gone awry.
After the bump and grind, we roll onto our backs to catch our breath. I'm smiling from ear to ear, because, By Jove, that was the best sex we had ever had. I told her as such.
"That was the best sex we ever had," I said.
"It was good, but you have to take it easy next time."
"Why? You like it rough."
"But not in my butt."
"We didn't do anal."
Now, folks, right here is where I made a dire mistake. She was quite obviously talking about anal penetration. I was confused (and tired, you know how guys get all sleepy after busting a nut) and was trying to understand what the hell she was talking about. Just agree, guys. "Yeah, great anal."
So she said, "You didn't know we did anal?"
"We did?" Wrong answer again.
"OhmygodmyassislooseI'mawhoreyoufuckingprickyousaidmyassislikeislikeislikeasloppyholefuckyou..."
"Well, whatever it was, it was good," I said.
I slept on the couch that night, didn't get laid for a week, and never got anal again.
So, next time they ask how it was, you know what to say:
"Honey, that was great anal!"
User Reviews
Submitted by Iago (user info) at 2006-01-21 09:31:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was just fucking awesome.
My favorite post on ubersite ever.
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-05-17 03:42:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Unfortunately, that relationship ruined me for life. I now need a girl who likes to be tied up, who likes to watch porn, and who likes Jiff peanutbutter."
I hear ya brother... I had one of those too (well several), but now that I'm older and looking to settle down (OMG! Who said that??) I find that, for some reason, the good girls seem to think that sex should be like the romance novels. All soft and slow with a long cuddle and a talk afterwards. Which is fine, but man cannot live by bread alone. Sometimes we like to spread a little peanut butter on that bread. (Ah hell, who am I kidding... Who likes plain bread anyway? Me, I can do without the bread and just eat the peanut butter outta the jar.)
Submitted by CunningVision (user info) at 2005-05-16 23:44:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
To Ivy - Well, I was drunk, for one. Besides that, it kind of felt the same, albeit a little tighter. I just thought she was doing some Kegel (too lazy to look up spelling) exercises or something.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-05-16 19:11:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Of for fucks sake, anal doesn't hurt a bit if you know what you're doing.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-05-16 17:12:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
a cautionary tale is always good
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-05-16 13:18:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Loose Butts Sink Ships.
No, I guess that doesn't quite work as well as the original.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-05-16 12:39:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All women are anal whores. +2.
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2005-05-16 12:21:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Unfortunately, that relationship ruined me for life. I now need a girl who likes to be tied up, who likes to watch porn, and who likes Jiff peanutbutter.
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Would ya settle for Skippy?
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-05-16 10:50:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2005-05-16 08:47:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
That picure is equally sexy and frightening.
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And yet, it isn't even in the same zip code as the one on top of the most viewed messages....
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-05-16 10:43:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-05-16 10:04:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The war is over so on with the good posts.
Submitted by clumeister (user info) at 2005-05-16 10:01:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
photo says it all...
Yeah they don't like it when you ass rape them because you're to drunk to tell which hole you are in. Or maybe she just too fucking loose back there to tell the difference =)
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-05-16 09:43:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Um.... OK.
Submitted by Ivy (user info) at 2005-05-16 09:10:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One thing I don't understand: How did you not know?!
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2005-05-16 08:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That picure is equally sexy and frightening.
Submitted by J4M3S (user info) at 2005-05-16 08:38:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Williams_2004 (user info) at 2005-05-16 08:10:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LMAO unlucky man, I love anal 2.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-16 08:01:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You imbecile!
Submitted by BigCore (user info) at 2005-05-16 07:47:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Unfortunately, that relationship ruined me for life. I now need a girl who likes to be tied up, who likes to watch porn, and who likes Jiff peanutbutter."
+2 just for that.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-05-16 07:35:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll tattoo it on my arm, so i never forget.