Hitherto unsuspected homicidal thoughts (870 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.96 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-05-17 10:11:49 EDT
There was blood running down the little blonde girl's face, blood coating the shrieking woman holding her, blood dripping to the carpet beneath them. The screams of the child were boring into my skull and the terrified wails of the mother were enough to make glass, if not shatter, at least shimmer a bit.
Horror movie? Hostage crisis? Domestic abuse?
No. This is Playgroup, week 2. (Week 1 is here: http://www.ubersite.com/m/66003 )
"She's bleeding! Oh my gawd, oh my gawd, oh my gawd! She's bleeding! How do I make it stop?"
Swear to god, the kid had a split lip and that was it. She was only screaming because her mother was hollering at the top of her lungs "My baby! Call an ambulance! Oh gawd my baby!"
And in the meantime, the rest of the parents were fluttering around like wing-clipped birds, trying to decide whose child smacked this child in the face and who should be lynched and why and where and whether we should hold a working bee to do it or maybe put it to the Committee for a vote or perhaps draw names out of a hat.
Apparently I was the only person in the room who'd ever had a child bleed before, so I grabbed the sugar from near the kettle and put some on the kid's cut lip. (Best trick in the world, this - they stop bleeding and crying instantly. Hell, if someone whacked a load of sugar in my mouth, I'd be pretty happy too.) The mother was too distressed to even comment on the sugar thing, so happy that her baby was apparently not going to finish the day in the ICU with a lip-transplant and massive blood loss.
And then she put the child down to run off and play and probably get smacked in the face again, because she's a bossy little shit, and she turned to face the other mothers.
And in my head, it went like this:
(Somebody whistles that tune that plays when the gunslingers face off in main street. You know the one - "dodeedodeedoooo doooo dooo doooo dodeedodeedooooo daaa daaa daaaa". A lone tumbleweed bounces from the kitchen into the art supply closet, there to be torn apart by coyotes. The clock strikes noon and people peer out from between their fingers.)
"Who did this?"
The other mothers shuffle their feet. Some look away. One, defiant and bold, but young and brash, steps forward. Her hat shades her eyes and the cigarette in the corner of her mouth barely moves when she says: "Was my kid what done it."
The old school gunslinger, battle scarred and weary with the endless fight against evil, narrows her eyes and spits in the dust at her feet. Somewhere a child cries and is quickly hushed by its fearful mother. Silence reigns.
"Well, I reckon we need to sort this here mess out. What do you say?"
The newcomer looks for support in the faces around her, but none is forthcoming. She sets her jaw and nods, just once, and the earth tilts a little on its axis as the challenge is met and accepted. "Ayuh. SUV's at a hundred paces. Let's do this thing."
The crowd rushes outside to gather along the roadside. This willa day to tellthe grandchildren about. Bets are made, a bottle of hard malt liquor is passed around, and the Two take their places behind the wheels of their cars.
Narrowed eyes, seen through a windscreen.
The throaty roar of a big V6 engine as a foot impatiently presses to the floor.
The silence.
The waiting.
The sharply blown whistle that signals the beginning of this epic rush and then they go, and the engines roar like dinosaurs returned to claim ascendancy over man, and the screaming of tires on asphalt almost drowns out the bloodthirsty cries of the crowd, and the cars race toward each other and when they meet when they collide oh god the sound is like, is like, is like -
"Well, I think there should be a rule. Any child who smacks another child should have to write an apology."
"What if they can't write yet?"
"Then their mother will write it down for them, but they have to say it."
"What if it's an accident?"
"We'll take a vote as to culpability."
I liked my idea better.
User Reviews
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-05-24 11:40:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I think of a child getting hurt I think of finding Nemo when the kids are jumping on the jellyfish and one falls off... there is a hushed silence as the mothers all hold their breath for the expected scream. Its the way the baby (fish) sits in shocked silence for about 2 seconds and then goes WAHHHHH. Its hilarious.
Anyway. Superb post Circe (oh no, now I don't know how to pronounce you in my head.)
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-23 08:13:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Break times over now, the uberdirectory is finished so get back to work and post something!
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-05-20 00:08:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-05-18 19:25:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
I vote that you become President of Earth.
Banga
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-05-19 23:57:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My son's latest best friend has a mother who bakes. A Lot. She also cooks. A Lot. Now, I love to cook, but oh boy howdy, this woman is out of control. So, I am fixing supper last night (what? I drove to Pizza Hut and Picked. It. Up! That IS fixing supper) and my son says "Melissa *made* pizza for us the other night. And cake too!"
I think I'll call her up, play the Gunsmoke shot -em -up tune and challenge her to a duel. When my husband calls you, just know that I meant "It's all Circe's fault." in a nice way.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-05-18 19:25:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I vote that you become President of Earth.
Go to it. Purge the unclean.
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-05-18 01:23:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny. Never understand those types of mothers, but they are a great source of personal amusement. That is until I start to realise that their little snot eaters will grow up to be less than useless, but whatever.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-05-18 00:32:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your mummy posts are always keepers. +++
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-05-17 19:49:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cage Match.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-05-17 16:14:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Marry me.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-05-17 16:08:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-05-17 11:27:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
the best part is "well take a vote as to culpability"
hopefully you'll win a seat on the tribunal council
__
then, you can vote those bitches off the island!
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-05-17 13:29:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The only thing worse than the rug rats are the mommies.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-05-17 12:42:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to have kids so I can come to this playgroup.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-05-17 11:53:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved it, spelling lapses and all. Although by the end of the first sentence about the blood-drenched woman and child I was convinced it was going to be about the miracle of birth.
Maybe I'm overtired, but reading this made me want to download the little whistle-squawk theme from "The Good, The Bad & The Ugly".
I'll have to try the sugar trick. Until now we've been resorting to "Hey look, a camera! Smile for the picture"...
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-17 11:41:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-05-17 11:30:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
tinactin - unlikely. They don't like me much. I'm a Bad Mummy.....
I laugh when my daughter tells me the feta cheese squares some deluded bitch brought along as a snack for the kids is "smelly, Mum... like poop."
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-05-17 11:27:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the best part is "well take a vote as to culpability"
hopefully you'll win a seat on the tribunal council
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-17 11:00:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why is it we can throw all the wit and humour into the post we possibly can and the funniest line is still always the most simple... "the bossy little shit" made me gasp for that tiny bit of extra air required to laugh
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-05-17 10:43:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I forgot the 2, man.
Sorry.......
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-05-17 10:42:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I would like for you to bear my children.
How's Saturday around 3:30?
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-05-17 10:31:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-05-17 10:30:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great mom!!
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-05-17 10:27:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
They didn't actually say "a vote of culpability", did they? Dear God.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-05-17 10:26:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Reason #23,987 I'm glad I don't have kids yet: Other Parents
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-05-17 10:26:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Two words: duct tape.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-05-17 10:22:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like my daughter's preschool. The angry mother everyone is afraid to piss off, the other moms huddled together for protection like some strange school of feeder fish, the renagade mom who just doesn't fit in. Co-OP preschool to a tee.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-05-17 10:22:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i like the way you've revisited sugar
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-05-17 10:21:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I'm a parent, I hope that I'm as cool as you.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-05-17 10:19:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-05-17 09:11:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 'cause it's my berfday!
I'm 22 bitch!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/66440
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-05-17 10:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You crack me up. I wish my mom had been as fun as you.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-05-17 10:14:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Christ. Spellcheck is my friend. I should get in touch with it more often.