Helpless (506 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.83 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by vodka7tall <vodka7tall.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-05-17 10:47:07 EDT
May 17th, exactly two months to the day since my best friend's mother died of cancer.
Throughout her mother's illness, I tried to do everything I could to help. I was there for every fundraiser. The cancer walks, the benefits, you name it, I was there. I covered for her sister's business on the days they had to be at the hospital. I was there to listen to her when she needed to talk, to hug her when she needed to be held, to cry with her when she needed to feel sad.
After her mother died, I was there for the memorial service.
I was there for nearly every step of the way. Every step, save one. The cancer itself. I wasn't there for the chemo. I wasn't there for the vomiting and the hair loss. I wasn't there through the surgeries, the radiation, the agonizing pain. I wasn't there to watch her slowly waste away.
It's not that I didn't want to be there. That's a lie. I DIDN'T want to be there. I'd have rather been ANYWHERE but there. Don't get me wrong, if my friend had wanted me there, if she had even remotely hinted that she needed me there, I'd have been there in less than a heartbeat. I'd have hated every god forsaken minute of it, but I would have been there nonetheless.
The thing is, she didn't want me there. She even tried her best to keep the bitter reality of impending death hidden from me. The day I dropped her sister off at the house, and popped in for a quick visit while I was there caught both of us off guard. I wasn't prepared for what I saw that day. She wasn't prepared for me to see it.
Maybe she thought she was doing me a favor. Maybe she felt she'd already asked so much of me, and to have me share this part of it with her was just too much to ask. Maybe watching someone you love die is such a deeply personal experience, it's one of those things you can't even share with the people who are closest to you.
Throughout our relationship, I had always been the stronger one. The one who held her up when she couldn't go any further. Through abusive relationships, through depression, everything. The one who, when everything fell apart, was there to pick up the pieces and put her back together again. It had always been this way, so much so that I sometimes wonder if part of the reason for my dad's death wasn't in some strange, karmic way to help me understand what she'd be going through. To help me empathize, and know what to do or not do, say or not say, all without ever being told.
Since her mother's death, everything has changed. Both of our lives have been significantly affected, but in drastically different ways. As much as I want to, I can't pick these pieces up. I can't put this back together. For the first time in our relationship, I can't be the one to hold her up. Even though I'm right there with her, this time, she's completely alone. And I've been left standing here with a feeling of helplessness like I've never known before.
User Reviews
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-05-17 16:57:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
buy her a cowbell.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-05-17 16:47:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-05-17 14:08:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-05-17 14:00:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You've done enough. It's up to her now.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-17 11:46:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-05-17 11:12:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2005-05-17 11:08:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-05-17 11:02:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-05-17 11:01:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
friends can react differently to different situations. maybe she thought it would be best if she didn't bring you down during that point in her life.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-05-17 10:58:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Williams_2004 (user info) at 2005-05-17 10:58:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have done enough for her, she has to sort her own life out now. Ofcourse you should still be there for her, but let her greive alone. She will still need you in the future.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-05-17 10:49:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There's only so far you can travel with someone into their own psychology. The end of the road must be walked alone.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-05-17 10:49:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-05-17 09:12:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 'cause it's my berfday!
I'm 22 bitch!
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