After The Pandemic: It Him Pa (597 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.22 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Id (View user info) at 2005-05-17 16:45:44 EDT
Your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. So goes the fable. That the totality of your existence is screened on a mental projector at breakneck speeds in the form of silent, blurred images running madly past your eyes.
Sarah found that this was not the case.
Tis all a matter of perspective.
Her life was lurching toward her terrified eyes. Her life was not blurred, not silent, but did indeed bring to bear a kind of primal totality.
Her life wanted to eat her.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
40 feet
Pull the trigger pull the trigger kill it kill it NOW no......
I can't kill pa that's not pa...pa's just sick pa wants to kill me just run can't run....
Squeeze the trigger end it just kill it him just shoot his head don't let him get you no no not like becca and richie oh god he ate them they screamed so loud it ate richie's heart...
Shoot pray Our father thou art in heaven kill him thy kingdom come run move your legs they will be done why why god why would you let it him pa eat them they loved him they loved you I hate you...no I'm sorry lord please help me shoot kill him it pa....
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
William Mohan lurched closer, the young blood of his young daughter becca dripping from his rotting mouth.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
30 feet
So sorry lord can't kill pa honor thy father I'll go to hell it will he will eat me no no pa can't he'll stop he'll come back he'll get better shoot him....
He'll stop and get better and give me a hug and say it's all right sarah I love you sarah I didn't mean to eat kill your brother and sister sarah he killed ma no no it was an accident she fell into the river pa drowned her no he didn't I was little I didn't see things straight I he loves us it he loved ma he said god needed ma god needed a new angel in heaven it will eat me....
Move can't move just run to town everyone's dead someone will save you the town is forbidden you can't go pa will be mad pa will kill you me pa said the town is bad the town is for whores god will burn the town in the end can't leave I see richie's knife....
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
William Mohan lurched closer, the small knife of his small son richie imbedded in his concaved chest.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
20 feet
God is mad God thinks I'm a bad girl pa said I'm not a girl kill him I'm a woman he needed me ma is gone he needed a woman I was his daughter and his woman I was bad I tried to stop him just bite the pillow pa's getting closer it hurt it hurt pa loves you that's why it he pa killed them It's my fault God thinks I'm wicked run he turned pa into this pa doesn't want to eat me I was bad I wanted to stop him it hurt hell will hurt I'm going to hell shoot run hide.....
Becca was too young it had to me pa needed a woman ma was gone ma left us God wanted ma God wanted pa to have me becca and richie needed a ma God wanted me to be ma just shoot him kill it him pa Hail Mary full of grace they wanted a ma oh god that's richie's heart.....
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
William Mohan lurched closer, red bits of his red-headed son richie's heart stuck under is black fingernails.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
10 feet
Kill it kill it kill it shoot it him pa just wanted me to be ma just tuck them in just sing to them lay your head down child I won't let the boogie man come pa's eyes where are his eyes his eyes are gone he didn't look at me when he pushed me on the bed I can see his bones oh god oh god please save me you're bad you tried to stop him they're all dead because of you pa is going to eat you you deserve it you let this happen you're going to hell fire let him come God made this happen you'll go to hell can't kill pa him it let it come let it you're I'm going to hell....
Let pa him it send you to satan.
If you kill pa him it you'll go to satan.
If you I don't kill pa I'll go to satan.
......Satan needs angels too.....
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
William Mohan howled, blue-black fluid spurting from his decayed lungs, and fell upon his young daughter, his young woman, Sarah.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
0 feet
I killed him.
User Reviews
Submitted by notyou (user info) at 2005-07-13 12:43:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-06-21 08:37:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ian Banks writes a few using the characters grammar, but all it really does is remove the ability to immerse oneself into the story and gives you a headache
Submitted by Id (user info) at 2005-05-18 13:35:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2005-05-17 22:56:20 (#)
Ranking: 1
This had potential. Next time just put some more thought into grammar. Just because the narrator is a little girl doesn't mean that you should write it like one.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
well, the goal was for stream-of-thought narration, but apparently few people....no one got that vibe of it. Meh.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-05-17 23:28:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-05-17 17:18:48 (#)
Ranking: 0
I can really see what you were going for with this, but the formatting just killed it deader than William Mohan.
\
+1 for effort
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2005-05-17 22:56:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This had potential. Next time just put some more thought into grammar. Just because the narrator is a little girl doesn't mean that you should write it like one.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-05-17 20:56:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ah fuck it.
You tried damn it. that's worth something.
Submitted by Id (user info) at 2005-05-17 19:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
surveys the wreckedge....
well, so much for that idea....
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-05-17 18:15:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hitwhorishly Shameless Coming Attractions Plug:
Another ATP 'Smith' story will be up tomorrow or Thursday. Part one, anyway. This one will probably be longish.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-05-17 17:35:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nice idea Bad execution, sorry
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-05-17 17:18:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can really see what you were going for with this, but the formatting just killed it deader than William Mohan.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-05-17 16:59:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i need the punctuation, i need defintive pronouns.
"YOU CAN"T HANDLE THE GRAMMER!"
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-05-17 16:57:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
When I first -2ed this, it was a blank post, hence the -2. Now it has some sort of smegma/content....what the ghey?
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-05-17 16:51:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I propose somebody with ratings goes over this guy's posts and -2s every single one of them.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-05-17 16:49:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
The SuperEgo rocks your socks!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-05-17 16:46:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Y HALLO THAR BUTTSECKS?