I Am Done Writing For Ubersite (1773 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 1.97 on 48 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (View user info) at 2005-05-17 17:42:36 EDT
Changed my mind.
I've been blessed with the powers to slow and stop time at will for about two weeks now. I'm not sure if you've noticed, but your sock drawer is a fucking mess courtesy of me, and I did this cool matrix-thing where I bent really low and moved my arms back and forth on this tree branch outside your window. You don't have a window? You must be the lowest common denominator of life on the planet.
This special ability has also helped in the ladies department to no ends. I go to ice-skating rinks and grab all the titties I want while they just stand there holding hands with their boyfriends and dads or whatever. After about five days of doing that boredom starts setting in and I realize that I'm sick of constantly getting referred to as "The Ghost Of Indian Lake", so hey, maybe I should just try and do this with celebrities.
Julia Roberts is not what I would call "attractive" or "sexually stimulating in any way, shape, or form", but that has got to be the biggest godamn mouth that I have seen in the history of time. I've read her biography about how she flies off the handle and has had many relationships end very swiftly, so I knew that she would be a perfect match for me. There was one big, glaring problem that I couldn't get over though.
Lyle Lovett.
For the love of christ and all those little furry fucking animals, that is not a man. He is a creature that has been derived from the self-conciousness of people everywhere into this being, this charismatic bastard that has had sexual....no way. NO way. He has to be asexual. No reproductive organs, he just sprouts seeds and multiplies or some shit.
Unfortunately, I am only to slow and stop time, not rewind it, so I was stuck with having to deal with the situation and move forward with my plan. I took a greyhound bus out to California and left my old life of drinking until I vomited out of my ears behind. With no reassurance that Julia would accept me, I feared that I might have to become a male prostitute and service little old Chinese ladies, which I mean, really, like really, not so bad if you think about it right? I mean, throw me some sesame chicken like twice a day and I'm in heaven.
Luckily, I forgot that, as I have stated in about 70% of my posts, I am the most godamn handsome piece of machinery that has ever been made by Chevrolet. I was disguised as a door-to-door knife salesman when it all happened.
(BANG BANG BANG)
Julia: Who is it?
Me: (girly voice) It's your Aunt Gerda dear, come get the door and help me unload these walnuts from my car.
Julia: Aunt Gerda it's been seven......SECURITY!!!!
Me: I've changed into a man Julia but I'm still the same woman you know and love.
Julia: SECURIT.....hey you're pretty cute. You're not really my aunt are you?
Me: Bullseye. I just wanted to know if you were impressed by miracles such as slowing/stopping time and this 32-piece knife set that I have here for $19.95. Watch this, wait, wait, (pulls out can) hold this for me. Okay, watch, watch, watch..........
Julia: I don't, you're not doing anything.
Me: That's the fucking point. What man in their right mind would try and cut a can in half while you're holding (SLICE) DID YOU SEE THAT?!?!?! Hey now, I was just trying to ease your nerves before I did it, don't start....
Julia: (faints)
Me: fainting or anything. Yeah ok, mind if I...
Julia's Husband: HEY!!! WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO MY WIFE!?!?!
Me: OH SHIT that's right, you're that camera guy whatever douche bag that's still married to her. TIME FREEZE!
I took his time-frozen body to the zoo and threw it in with the gorillas. Hey, maybe he's lucky and that gorilla that smokes cigarettes will be there. That's some of the funniest shit I have ever seen man.
I returned to Julia's place and slapped her awake while time was still frozen.
Julia: Wha.....where am.....where's my husband?
Me: HEY LOOK AT THIS I CAN STOP TIME SEE HOW NOTHING'S MOVING??? EH???? How about you get that mouth crackin on some oral and stop wasting my precious time that I have to stop and slow again at some point in the day.
Julia: Who are you??? I.....you can seriously stop time, like, seriously???
Me: Yup.
Julia:....
Me: The fuck? No habla ingles el Espanola de primavera porque porsupuesta?
Julia: I took Spanish for eight years and that didn't make any sense.
Me: Sure it does, gotta mean something cause I took it for three and I remember those words being used occasionally.....
Julia:....you are the oddest man I have ever met in my life. Marry me.
As Julia reached in my pants to unleash what was sure to be the greatest three seconds of her life, I was once again overtaken by my demons.
Lyle Lovett..........Lyle Lovett....................Lyle Lovett............
I couldn't do it. I couldn't continue on with this relationship knowing that.......that thing............he probably got her the same way I did. I couldn't do it. I stopped time and retreated while my member was still in her hands. I looked at her one last time before I left, and made possibly the best decision I have ever made in my life.
User Reviews
Submitted by Mike-Mc (user info) at 2008-01-18 15:59:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny :)
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-11 21:33:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
best ever?
Submitted by something_or_other (user info) at 2007-12-16 19:10:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-12-14 10:22:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-12-11 01:58:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. When i reviewed this it was +1.88 and i magicked it to a perfect 2.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-12-11 00:44:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
vvo0Ot
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2006-01-10 18:16:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, Lyle Lovett has nailed every chick EVER. Thought that girl back in high school was a virgin? Nope! She got boned by L.L.
The man has skills.
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-10 18:07:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
you said your done writing, you cock tease
Submitted by JHoersten2 (user info) at 2005-05-30 14:22:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
well, since you're done... take this -2 for the road.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-05-28 02:23:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow... just, wow. No Other Comment.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-20 10:12:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-05-18 18:31:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit...this is fantabulous!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-05-18 18:08:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2005-05-18 16:59:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
Give it to me, GLALL. I'll Lovett just like Lyle.
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Sure. I know Ohio frowns on heterosexuals but we can sneak into an attic or underground railroad, which there are many.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2005-05-18 16:59:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Give it to me, GLALL. I'll Lovett just like Lyle.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-05-18 16:46:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I panicked when I saw that title yesterday.
Submitted by wanderingsharps (user info) at 2005-05-18 11:25:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this one was up there- they are all good,
but this one was as good as the "here's a quarter" story.
he he- she does have a big mouth- I bet by know she's got some sagage going on to...
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-05-18 10:18:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Its funny because I hate them both.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-05-18 09:35:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LYLE LOVETT!
w00t!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-05-18 09:18:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-05-18 08:24:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It is a beautiful world when I get to wake up to a GLALL post.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-05-18 08:01:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
god damn I hate that bitch.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-05-17 23:49:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by pushedbyboredom (user info) at 2005-05-17 23:37:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay a good one
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-05-17 23:28:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ohdearyme. THIS WAS THE GOOD ONE!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-05-17 23:24:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-05-17 23:18:37 (#)
Ranking: -2
B@W
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-05-17 23:18:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
B@W
Submitted by CunningVision (user info) at 2005-05-17 22:55:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-05-17 22:21:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If Uber were a pay site, you would be one of Bart's cash cows. +++
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-05-17 22:13:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-05-17 21:48:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GLAL if only you were a WOMAN.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-05-17 21:06:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think Lyle Lovitt is his name. I think it's his Species.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-05-17 20:20:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Es ta bien.
In english that means "this is the best written piece of crap I've read in the last twenty minutes of perusing the webpage known as Ubersite."
Submitted by Wyellbee (user info) at 2005-05-17 19:48:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*A single tear rolls down Wyell's face*
Beautiful. Just... Beautiful.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-05-17 19:17:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was just... great..
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-05-17 18:26:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Will you PLEASE give me some GRAVY!
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-05-17 18:20:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2005-05-17 18:16:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-05-17 18:11:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Carl Foreman is God. Gary Gooper as quintessential Western archetype/ inversion of Western as genre.
I need to drink less and revise more. Fuck it. I liked this.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-05-17 18:03:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BFD- Julia Roberts ate my asshole at a high school baseball game.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-05-17 18:00:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lyle Lovett blew me in the back of a drive through.
I came.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-05-17 18:00:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-05-17 17:58:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
Bob Saget wanted me to give this +2 to you
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Thank god, thought he was dead there for quite sometime. He never reviews my work anymore, good to know that I still please him like I used to when I.....you know.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-05-17 17:58:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good gravy.. this is awesome
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-05-17 17:58:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bob Saget wanted me to give this +2 to you
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-05-17 17:54:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a dirty hit whore
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-05-17 17:48:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I could stop time I would take a shit on somebody's face while time was frozen, and then when I made time start again, the guy would be all like "OH MY GOD WHERE DID ALL THIS SHIT ON MY FACE COME FROM?!?? OHHH GOD! IT'S HORRIBLE! THIS IS REVOLTING!! OH GOD!!!"
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-05-17 17:46:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am getting a tattoo that says "I am GLALL's bitch, and I don't care who knows it"
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-05-17 17:44:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahah!!!
Pwn3d by Lyle Lovitt!
Say what you will about his hair or his hideously disfigured face, I can't help but like his gentle brand of jazz-poppy country music.
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-05-17 17:44:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn you for the title.