Contortionists: Confusing my Penis for Years (1011 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0 on 2 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Zod (View user info) at 2005-05-18 10:02:55 EDT
I assume you all know what a contortionist is. For the idiots in the crowd, a contortionist is a performer who can, somehow, freakishly twist, mangle, and snap their body into different unholy positions. They're usually found in circus's, fair's, freak show's, and fetish porn websites (or so I've heard).
Now, MY personal problem with these people is not in their performing skills. I feel that they are very talented, skilled people. Clearly they have a lot of time and financial security on their hands, which enables them to spend hours upon hours each day practicing throwing their legs behind their heads and fracturing their spines. God forbid I criticize THAT god-given skill.
My problem is that I, specifically my penis, can't decide whether it should be aroused or disgusted. Any normal man confronted with a woman who can put her legs behind her head would say, "Gee golly! I sure would like to plow this young woman while she's in her awkward yet sexy-looking position!" But I'm not talking about legs behind head. Hell yeah that turns me on. What I'm talking about is arms on ground while ass is resting on top of head and feet are in mouth. I just...I just don't know how to feel about that shit!
Maybe some pictures will help...
1) These young ladies are clearly in a very unnatural position, and yet it looks as comfortable to them as sitting in a chair. The one on the bottom is resting her chin on her hands like she's watching a fucking cartoon on her bed. The one on top is actually kinda cute, but it looks like she's doing a hand stand on someone's dismembered lower torso Due to this fact, I think I'm gonna have to pass on this duo.
2) If I ever had a secretary who sat on her desk and fixed my schedule like this, it would take me a minute or two to figure out whether I should fire her or mount her. This woman is pretty cute, so there are no worries in that department. She has a pretty nice ass....I THINK. I can't tell for certain, because it's mashed up onto her grotesquely-deformed back. All in all, I think I'd still give it to her. I'm not sure how though. I'd probably have to rappel from the ceiling, sliding my pee-pee into her upturned hoo-hoo Mission Impossible style.
3) Both these girls seem to have decent bodies, but I can't even begin to imagine a threesome with them. The one on top is out of the question unless I was standing on a forklift or hovering. The bottom is possible, but then the one on top would fall and break her...something. CAN these people break?
4) The pants ALONE are enough to turn me off on this one.
5) What's worse than a black sandwich with asian bread? A black sandwich with asian bread sprouting arms and legs at nauseating angles. Gag...
6) This woman looks like she just fell out of a painters scaffolding and someone snapped a shot of her mid-impact with the ground. I suspect 10 seconds after this picture was taken, a janitor was wiping the dismembered halves of this woman off the floor with a push broom.
7) Alright, THIS is hot. But if I was ever having sex with a woman and I looked up to see her leg like that, I'd think I broke her. I'd be too busy worrying about how I was going to defend myself in court to have an orgasm. When I'm doing missionary, there needs to be a leg on each side of my body, not one sprouting out of the girls' armpit. This is sex, not Barnum and Bailey's, bitch.
User Reviews
Submitted by maggotstew (user info) at 2005-05-19 16:07:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why's this posted twice, though?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-05-18 10:04:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
NSFW
jerk