Show us your teets (8016 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.97 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tinactin (View user info) at 2005-05-18 16:35:36 EDT
Like many others, in the weeks and months following my 18th and 21st birthdays, I was bombarded with friends and family attempting to teach me the new "experiences" that such legal ages provide. On about fifteen different occasions after my 21st birthday I was taken out for my first drink. Along with credit card and college applications, I was mailed a pack of Newports. And worst of all was my first trip to a strip club, with my Uncle Omar.
My uncle isn't such a bad guy. His unusually warm blood temperature and lack of personal hygiene combine to give him the aroma of freshly baked body odor, but from a distance he looks like a reasonably well dressed alien. I could live with that in exchange for bills to toss at naked chicks.
My uncle was in the middle of telling me about the importance of voting when the first woman took the stage.
"Listen, Keed. If everybody did their civic duty then we wouldn...SHOW US YOUR TEETS!"
"What?"
"YOUR TEETS! SHOW US YOUR TEETS!"
"Omar, she's already naked, and her tits are close enough for her nipples to put in your contacts."
"SHOW US YOUR TEETS!"
To this day I'm not exactly sure whether he was talking to the stripper or me. In any event, the line became a sort of running joke.
Every Sunday, I go out to breakfast with a group of friends. Over the years, we've all grown apart in various ways, and we lack time to spend together on a regular basis. But all of us make it each week. You can call it my version of the breakfast club, or perhaps bacon is a chewy alternative to organized religion.
A week or two after the strip club incident, I was trying to get into the pants of this girl named Katie. One Sunday I was persuaded to take her along on our breakfast.
It turned out to be a big mistake. My obese friend Paul was determined to make an ass out of me. Several conversations went along these lines:
"Have you seen any good movies lately?"
"Not really, I've been pretty busy studying for finals."
"I bet you haven't been busy enough to SHOW US YOUR TEETS!"
In his defense, she was packing at least a heavy C. Nevertheless, the lack of intelligence involved and her annoyed responses gave me the impression that things were not moving all that well.
I needed to lighten the mood. An idea popped into my head. The restaurant included a small section of video games, skeeball, and the like. All of it centered around its crown jewel, a toy motorcycle for children to ride. You often find these vehicles in supermarkets or stores, moving kids in a slow jerking motion as if they were masturbating on Quaaludes.
"I'll give you five bucks if you ride the motorcycle."
"What? No."
"Come on. I'll even put in the quarter for the ride."
"Fuck you."
"Ten bucks."
"Ten? Ok, screw it."
And it was but a moment later that my incredibly large friend balanced his large frame on the tiny handlebars of a children's toy. It was one of the most surrealistic scenes I could have imagined, like the rodeo event in the Special Olympics. If I had the foresight to videotape it I would have been a rich man today.
Then it all went up a notch. With each upward motion, his weight ripped at the metal frame bolting the bike on to the machine until finally it snapped, throwing him to the ground. His arms clutched at the bike as if it were his dead baby, while his legs flailed helplessly, a dying cockroach on his back.
A mass of illegal immigrants huddled around the small window overlooking the game area from the kitchen, the transcendent glow of oven heat illuminating the scene.
Then Katie took it up a notch.
"SHOW US YOUR TEETS!"
While everyone else burst into laughter, another friend of mine was quick to take advantage of the situation, throwing Paul's shirt up on to his face. The wind generated by the Whack-A-Mole hammer blew his man boobs around like the flagpoles at Candlestick Park. They were mudflaps hanging off of the back of an overturned semi.
So his humiliation saved my chances with Katie, and as it turned out, she had good comic timing. Unfortunately our relationship lasted only a short time, as I soon discovered that she possessed a curved vagina. This was basically an unforgivable sin. Not because my penis felt similar to the eraser of a one-armed autistic child doing the New York Times crossword puzzle. Not because of the "thlock" sound my penis made when it hit the end of the bend. Rather, it was the foreboding sense of the unknown. I would always wonder what it is that lay around the bend. She could have been storing a pile of dead Pterodactyl eggs, or perhaps merely the secretions of venereal disease, but in any event, I would never find out.
It's like De Niro once said: "A guy told me one time, 'Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner.' Now, if you're on me and you gotta move when I move, how do you expect to keep a... a marriage?"
User Reviews
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-19 20:50:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Splendid
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-05-19 16:40:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Streak ruining sucks.
Submitted by SmirkDog (user info) at 2008-05-19 15:49:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mega plus 2 for Heat reference
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-05-11 15:07:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One of the "Great Ones" I asked for in a post.
PS: Rad, are you still an asshole, or did you reform?
:)
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-19 04:06:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are a solid four pages of +2 streaks with 30 or more reviews. That is stupid. I am weeding it all out by giving every one of them a +1; that way posts that have 1.99 with 200+ reviews gets best ever.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-05-23 03:49:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy crap, you're back! Thank god...
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-05-20 11:47:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pterodactyl eggs?
I have GOT to meet these women you keep dating.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-20 09:53:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my god what a comeback... Thankyou.
Pterodactyl eggs made me howl...
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-05-20 04:05:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For the only person I know that has encountered a "condition" I once faced.
Well.....maybe not just faced.
And, for one of the best "still" pictures, of a great movie.
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2005-05-19 09:21:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by gamma (user info) at 2005-05-19 09:13:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
niceeeeeeee
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-05-19 08:39:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-05-19 08:08:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Teets.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-05-18 23:33:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yellow belly turncoats
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-05-18 22:59:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-05-18 21:19:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
bananagina
-----
HA!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-05-18 22:16:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-05-18 16:57:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
You just grab the, the...teet, and squeeze.
I've got breasts, Focker. Can you milk me?
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-18 21:33:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SHOW US YOURNEGATIVE TWOO'S
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-05-18 21:32:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"SHOW US YOUR TEETS!"
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-05-18 21:27:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Listen, Keed. If everybody did their civic duty then we wouldn...SHOW US YOUR TEETS!"
Had to +2 this line. Now I am going back to read the rest.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-05-18 21:19:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bananagina
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-05-18 21:06:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup. Still my hero.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-05-18 20:41:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
A curved what now? I...don't understand. Curved how? I require a diagram.
Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2005-05-18 19:35:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
50 shades of kickass.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2005-05-18 19:28:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
I remembered you were a guy halfway through, and had to re-read it.
...sorry.
+2 anyway.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-05-18 19:06:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-05-18 16:45:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
Where the hell have you been?
You need to post gems like this more often.
____________________________________________________________________________________
4 reasons why I dont post more often:
1. Im doing some other writing with an idiot friend
2. Lack of time
3. I go through mental blocks for months at a time
4. Im just incredibly lazy
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-05-18 19:03:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't really get the autistic kid analogy.
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2005-05-18 18:36:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was basically an unforgivable sin. Not because my penis felt similar to the eraser of a one-armed autistic child doing the New York Times crossword puzzle.
^ ^ ^
That was the best visual I have ever read.
AMAZING
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-05-18 18:14:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Har Har 'curved vagina'
Can I have that girls number?
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-05-18 18:14:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I told you.
I hope you fucking decide to stick around this time. If you don't, I'm getting the corn man after you.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-05-18 17:59:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God, you are such a Mexican.
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-05-18 17:38:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Masturbating on Quaaludes?!
Holy crap!
Now you're going to wind up like Dave Chapelle, with assholes walking up to you shouting a catch-phase into your face. All the while you'll be mumbling to yourself about how 'nobody has your interests at heart.'
SHOW US YOUR TEETS!
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-05-18 17:12:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck you.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-05-18 17:06:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the man is about the quality, not the quantity
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2005-05-18 17:00:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mudflaps off the back of a semi? Pretty funny.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-05-18 16:57:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You just grab the, the...teet, and squeeze.
I've got breasts, Focker. Can you milk me?
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2005-05-18 16:55:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a sheep! Baa baa!
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-05-18 16:52:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"She could have been storing a pile of dead Pterodactyl eggs, or perhaps merely the secretions of venereal disease, but in any event, I would never find out."
That line was awesome. but for a moment there, when you said "I'll give you $5 to see you ride that thing" (not a quote, sorry), I thought you were talking to the girl.
I immediately though: if the "show us your teets" didn't work, why would she giggle them for you on a ride?
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-05-18 16:45:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where the hell have you been?
You need to post gems like this more often.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-05-18 16:44:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pterodactyl eggs, that's comedic death right there ladies and gentlemen, fucking pterodactyl eggs. HEAT.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-05-18 16:42:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:LDJR DLFJ,
L:JKD DKLJ eiru kls;m, ieei aid;jk dl; ekea kx,df ee k dk kjei i eijfjia cvmcmldks !!!
That means you kick ass in my language, the language of rocking out.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-05-18 16:41:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Robert Fuckin' DeNiro
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2005-05-18 16:41:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-05-18 16:39:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"So his humiliation saved my chances with Katie, and as it turned out, she had good comic timing. Unfortunately our relationship lasted only a short time, as I soon discovered that she possessed a curved vagina. This was basically an unforgivable sin. Not because my penis felt similar to the eraser of a one-armed autistic child doing the New York Times crossword puzzle. Not because of the "thlock" sound my penis made when it hit the end of the bend. Rather, it was the foreboding sense of the unknown. I would always wonder what it is that lay around the bend. She could have been storing a pile of dead Pterodactyl eggs, or perhaps merely the secretions of venereal disease, but in any event, I would never find out."
Above you will find one of the funniest paragraphs I have ever read in my life.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-05-18 16:39:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have that audio clip. And the film. And I hero worship De Niro.