Haloween Hijinks (739 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.38 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Skinny Kenny (View user info) at 2005-05-18 17:03:44 EDT
Halloween night, 1981. I was still in elementary school, but my friend Kelly Banks, who lived up the street, had just started middle school. Kelly was known to the rest of us kids as Kelly ByGodMotherfucking Banks because everything he said was prefaced by either "by God" or "motherfucking" or some variation on a similar theme. Kelly was the guy who was always kicking somebody's ass or setting off firecrackers or stink bombs in the bathrooms at school. He was also the guy who turned me on to weed, but that's another story. Anyway, he was your real Bart Simpson type of guy. Minus the skateboard - he smoked too much for any kind of serious activity.
So this Halloween we were loaded for bear. We had a full arsenal of shaving cream, toilet paper, rotten eggs, explosives, etc. That's what we carried around in our bags. None of that candy crap. Candy is for pussies. So Kelly ByGod had a new teacher that year that he really hated, and it just so happened that she lived within walking distance. It didn't take his deviant mind long to figure out that her house would be our prime objective for the evening's hijinks, so off we went. On the way we spotted another neighborhood kid (Tommy) who nobody really liked, but who thought he was a badass. Well, Kelly was the king badass and he was here to tell you about it. We sent the kid packing with a pant load full of shaving cream, a nice new hairstyle fortified with rotting raw egg, and a much lighter load of candy to carry. We continued our trek onward to our unsuspecting target's home.
When we got to Mrs. Thompson's house we did it up right. She had these tall trees with moderately spaced branches which were just perfect for chucking toilet paper rolls through. We decorated the hell out of em. It was a thing of beauty. We were just putting the finishing touches of the mailbox shaving cream job when a very deep voice said with authority "What are you kids doing? Stop right there!" We turned around and there stood Tommy with a youngish, fattish adult we had never seen before. The fatass tells Tommy to go to the neighbors' house and call the cops. He tells him to go to the back door and then whispers something in his ear. Tommy runs off to do as he's told. Meanwhile, the fatass takes us up to Mrs. Thompson's front door and rings the bell. She and her husband answer and listen to Fatass' explanation, then they all decide that we should clean up our own mess. Let me tell you, folks, it nearly broke my heart to ruin what we both considered a true work of art, but it seemed like the only thing to do at the time.
We were just finishing up as Tommy came back from making his phone call. Fatass asked Tommy if he had done what he was told, and Tommy said yes. The Lardo proceeded to give us the scolding of a lifetime. Eventually he wound down and told us that Tommy hadn't really called the cops but just gone behind the house and waited for a little while. Then he let us go.
What's the point of telling you all this, you may ask. Well, the post'script to the story is that a few years later, the lard ass, who had by that time become a real cop, was at a party at Kelly ByGod's neighbor's house. He had parked his van on the street on a steep incline out front. The van somehow popped out of gear and rolled down the hill, smashing into the Banks' residence and causing thousands in damage.
The next year I started middle school and Mrs. Thompson was my math teacher. She never mentioned the incident.
The wheel of Karma can be both cruel and kind.
User Reviews
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-08-10 15:59:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Damn that Karma.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-05-19 08:16:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh, bad karma, indeed.
Submitted by 2x4fun (user info) at 2005-05-18 21:15:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Bart: I'll take up smoking and give that up.
Homer: Good for you, son. Giving up smoking is one of the hardest
things you'll ever have to do. Have a dollar.
Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(annoyed grunt)ocious
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-05-18 20:36:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Anything with the word "hijinks" in it can't be all bad.
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2005-05-18 20:00:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2005-05-18 17:32:16 (#)
Ranking: 1
Why didn't you just run?
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You can't run when you've just shit your pants.
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2005-05-18 18:06:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2005-05-18 17:32:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Why didn't you just run?
Submitted by manicvelocity (user info) at 2005-05-18 17:27:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Who in the fuck names their son "Kelly"? I'd like to meet the parents that named their daughter "George".
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-05-18 17:21:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
not bad, you can stay - any one who has the balls to post the pic you did yesterday can't be all bad...
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-05-18 17:20:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story...I'm a firm believer in Karma.
Ignore professorfuckface...he has issues.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-05-18 17:05:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BOTH YOU AND YOUR REDSKIN CAN SHUT THE FUCK UP