The Art of Being an Asshole (Trying to Start a Nuclear War at the Gay Bar) (1927 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorLabels: ETS_Comedy_Writing
Rating: 1.13 on 48 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (View user info) at 2005-05-18 21:05:22 EDT
The Art of Being An Asshole Series
Restaurant Etiquitte: http://www.ubersite.com/m/42622
Fucking Your Friends' Mothers and Then Teasing Them About It: http://www.ubersite.com/m/42073
Using Your Power for Evil: http://www.ubersite.com/m/43140
Making Fun of Your Other Personalities: http://www.ubersite.com/m/46570
Respect for the Dead: http://www.ubersite.com/m/40750
====================================================================================================
A while back I was in the habit of going with my friends to a gay bar in the center of town. In case you don't know what a 'gay bar' is, it's a really good place to take your in-laws or your church soft-ball league for a nice meal and a few reasonably-priced cocktails while you pull your head out of your ass.
This gay bar has two stories - not in the 'jekyl finds out his alter ego, hyde, is a flaming queer' sense of the word, but more of a 'faggots not only stacked from stem to stern but also on top of one another' type thing-a-ma-bob.
On the lower story there is a bar and a dance floor and a pool table with a couple balls oddly missing, and on the upper floor there is more of the same minus the pool table but with an added stage where all manner of debaucherous activities involving a transexual MC and its throng of thong-laden man-types would take place on a bi-weekly basis.
I'm the type of person who, for reasons of pure survival, has somewhat perfected the art of mimicry. Get me around a group of people with a stark accent and I can usually formulate decent impression of them within a few minutes. Where having the ability to perfectly mimic a flaming homosexual fits into Mr. Darwin's plan for me, I have no fucking idea...but, by god, I can do it! Give me booze and shove me elbow-to-elbow into a group of limp-wristed lispers and I can talk shoes and handbags, drapes and contemporary furnishings with the best of 'em. I'm like the mynah bird of the night-life, the chameleon of the club scene, destroyer of... Ok, you get the idea. (Hold your wise-cracks till the end.)
I won't bore you with my many amazing attributes...at least not until I get the drill-bit attachment I ordered for my extremely long penis. Then I'll bore you all fucking night, mamma!
But not to drift too far off subject...this one particular night I have in mind, there was some sort of Chip-n-Dale show in the upstairs part of the bar, wherein far too many people were crowded to get a glimpse of some scantily-clad men in various sexually-cliched outfits, mostly consisting of uniformed authority figures, i.e. a fireman, a police officer, a soldier (which was interesting since he was sporting pink camoflage), etc... I was there with my roommate and his girlfriend, who had insisted we go there for what, I can only assume, was a direct challenge to my roommate's sexual comfort zone - or maybe she just likes gay people. I find most straight girls do. Where else can they get a man's honest opinion on the things they deem most important in life like nail color?
Maybe it had to do with the fact that, because I hadn't known them that long, they hadn't seen me with a girlfriend yet. Maybe it was because I am a sad, lonely, wreched, internet geek who for the most part stays secluded in his room, listening to Belle and Sebastian. Maybe it was because I was the one who would order wine when everyone else was drinking Budweiser. Whatever her reasons, it soon became clear that she and my roommate were trying to corrupt me to the dark side, or at least test me to see if I was already the Darth Vader of gay.
Pulling me away from the two straight chicks I was fully occupied with hitting on (gay bars are a good place to meet straight women, especially on stripper night), my friends had decided it would be good fun to not only shove a dollar in my mouth, but to do it while one of the dancers (the half-dressed fireman) was dancing right next to me in the crowd peddling his wares. Undoubtedly seeing this as a financial step forward, the dancing man immediately, and with unresistable force, shoved me to the floor and began swathing his sweaty crotch across my now blushing face.
This was quite possibly the longest 10 seconds of my life. Like the moment right before the hero's horrible, agonizing death in a Hollywood tragedy, I escaped to my 'happy place', which pretty much consisted of anywhere where I didn't have a sweaty man's crotch in my face.
'Ok.' I thought. 'You guys want a gay man. You got it!'
I got up from the floor fanning my face with my suddenly-elastic hand in this 'OMG, I can't believe it's not butter' way, putting on my best gay impression: "That wath jutht....OH MY GAWWWWD, honey!"
Before I knew it, I wasn't the only one fanning my face... There were about five different hands all belonging to men who were falling over themselves at the opportunity to fan the gay version of me. (Hold your wise cracks till the end.) Instantly I knew what an invaluable gift Mr. Darwin had bestowed upon me, and instantly I realized its purpose.
There was this one guy in particular who kept telling me, "You're tho cuuuute" and kept tousling my hair, to which I replied, "Oh, thtopit!" This poor guy was actually getting EMOTIONAL over me! I know it's not right to toy with people's emotions, but, hey, I was getting free drinks! What would you have done? Besides, anyone who gets this emotional over someone they've just met at a bar deserves to be taken for a ride. (Hold your wise cracks till the end.)
I ended up getting all my drinks free for the rest of the night by simply pretending to be a flaming homosexual. I was like the Fat Tony of the cock-loving underworld, Sure it was a bit degrading at first, but the longer I did it, the easier it got. Unlike Fat Tony though, they weren't going to send me to jail where they fuck you in the ass whether you like it or not.
THE END
Commence to wise-cracking...
For your amusement: http://www.electrictoothsyndrome.com/media/gaybarprank.mp3
User Reviews
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-09-02 01:29:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
recalc
Submitted by JHoersten2 (user info) at 2005-08-28 17:54:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
gay
Submitted by DyingBreed (user info) at 2005-05-21 16:17:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
dude, you are one of the most homophobic people i know
how the fuck you managed to even come close to doing anything like this is beyond me
fag :)
Submitted by yermom (user info) at 2005-05-19 14:16:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-05-18 23:23:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
You know Ubersite is slipping when no one's said this yet:
ATTN GHEY MENZ!
________________________
My sentiments exactly.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-05-19 12:48:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Did anyone even listen to the mp3?
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2005-05-19 10:05:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-1 boring story. Wow, you can talk in a gay voice at a gay bar, you are surely a fucking inspiration to assholes around the world.
-1 shitty song.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-05-19 09:48:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Reciprocal -2 me for what, Shlongy? I don't go around -2ing your shit. I hardly ever click on your shit, dude.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-05-19 09:43:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I won't even reciprical -2 you, dipshit. Because I rise above the UberSite petty jealousies and immaturity. And dipshittedness.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-05-19 09:26:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-05-19 08:33:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Check the circumferince (yeah I can't spell fuck you) of your asshole.....you're gay.
-----------
Yes, I am a flipping homo... Does this mean you'll buy me drinks now?
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-05-19 08:33:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Check the circumferince (yeah I can't spell fuck you) of your asshole.....you're gay.
Submitted by Totally_useless (user info) at 2005-05-19 08:30:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not too shabby...
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-05-19 02:15:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you have lived out my dream.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-05-19 01:55:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Zackstersmackster (user info) at 2005-05-18 23:12:13 (#)
Ranking: 0
It has been said that ghey is the new black
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
You sonofabitch! You stole my motherfucking line!
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-05-19 00:40:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i never knew you uber's had such fucking
awsome taste in music. williams, ok you earned your fucking
+2, i'm heading over to one of your post to honor that.
i knew there was some reason i
hadn't quit visiting this site
three times a day.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-05-18 23:26:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-05-18 23:23:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
You know Ubersite is slipping when no one's said this yet:
ATTN GHEY MENZ!
-----------
...especially since Professor Fuckface and shitfuck BOTH decided to show up.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-05-18 23:23:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know Ubersite is slipping when no one's said this yet:
ATTN GHEY MENZ!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-05-18 23:15:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There is no black in the homo rainbow... only the shiny happy colors of love.
Submitted by Zackstersmackster (user info) at 2005-05-18 23:12:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It has been said that ghey is the new black
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-05-18 23:01:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
now thats just sick
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-05-18 22:50:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Then it appears, my friend, that we have found ourselves in a bit of a stalemate. We both have small penises, and we both enjoy sucking each other's cocks.
Let's just go back to being lovers like in the good 'ol days. Shall we?
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-05-18 22:45:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HA, AND YOU THINK YOU CAN INSULT SOMEONE WHO CALLS THEMSELF PROFESSOR FUCKFACE, AND HAS SUBMITTED CAMWHORES OF THE UGLIEST PEOPLE HE CAN FIND FOR THE PAST 2 YEARS JUST SO PEOPLE HATE HIM EVEN MORE?
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-05-18 22:44:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fighting is fun
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-05-18 22:43:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Chuckle.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-05-18 22:42:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Poor Professor, little do you know, you're actually talking about someone who has a post called: "I, Brad Linzy, Suck Cock for Pennies". And you honestly THINK you can insult me in any way???
HA HA FUCKING HA
The joke's on you, dumbass.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-05-18 22:40:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
YEAH, WELL TOO BAD MY SURNAME ACTUALLY DOESN'T HAPPEN TO BE FUCKFACE, SO WHEN PEOPLE SEARCH FOR MY NAME ON GOOGLE, THEY AREN'T GOING TO FIND THAT SHAMEFUL LITTLE SECRET.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-05-18 22:38:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I just thought the uber readership might also be interested in the pics you sent me in one of your moments of passion and lust for the Brad cock.
http://professor.fuckface.also.has-a-small-penis.com/
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-05-18 22:34:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
My penis is actually the second one down on the left. I can't believe you actually KEPT that picture I sent you! You've been a naught naught boy, Professor!
FOR SHAME!
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-05-18 22:30:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
MY MY MY WHAT IS THIS
http://brad.linzy.has-a-small-penis.com/
SINCE WE ARE BREAKING OUT THE SMALL DICK JOKES SINCE ETS HAS RUN OUT OF ORIGINAL THOUGHT
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-05-18 22:24:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-05-18 22:14:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
I wouldn't touch an acoustic guitar with a ten foot pole you emo shit
------------
Yes, but what about your 2 inch penis? Maybe it has some talent that belies the fact that it's attached to a complete moron. This is America after all! Maybe it can rise above its station and one day grow to not only play the acoustic guitar, but perhaps exceed the 3 inch mark as well...
There is hope: http://www.pillsexpert.com/penispills/
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-05-18 22:14:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ok, well I guess some faggot just plays drums really bad then, and I wouldn't touch an acoustic guitar with a ten foot pole you emo shit
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-05-18 22:09:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
First of all, none of the songs on my website have a fucking drum machine in them. Secondly, you're a fucking moron. Go practice on your acoustic for about the next 20 years, then we'll talk.
You're dismissed, bitch.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-05-18 22:01:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I actually downloaded goodquestion.mp3. It had a drum machine and a bass that just kept repeating "doo..doodoodoo". And nobody likes solos that sound like they belong on the Bill & Ted soundtrack. It's the 21st century, mullets and trilling do not belong.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-05-18 21:57:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*raises head, letting PFF's entrails spill out of mouth*
What? Did you say something? Can't you see I'm busy?
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-05-18 21:53:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WHERE'S THE DEATH THREATS YOU LITTLE BITCH?
YOU'RE SLIPPING.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-05-18 21:51:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shitfuck, that's not saying a lot coming from a guy who lives in the Canadian sticks and who's idea of fun is attending slam-style poetry readings.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-05-18 21:47:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
ETS YOU'RE THE MOST PATHETIC THING I'VE EVER SEEN ON THE NET.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-05-18 21:46:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HOWS THIS FOR PERSONALITY--
SHUT THE FUCK UP.
SISSY!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-05-18 21:46:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
PFF: Dude, I don't have to play solos all the time because I don't feel I have to impress anyone with what would only amount to sonic masterbation. But since you insist on hearing me solo, here... http://www.electrictoothsyndrome.com/songs/goodquestion.mp3 Check out the solos at the end of the song.
Or this: http://www.electrictoothsyndrome.com/songs/gymnospornos.mp3 There is a solo in that one too.
You know, I seem to recall seeing a picture somewhere with you and an acoustic guitar, which besides making you an emo hipocrite too by your own definition, also means you can put your fucking money where your big fucking mouth is. First you'll have to extract my cock, because you just got fucked, bitch.
Don't even bother replying to this unless it's to post a link to an mp3, because your words don't mean shit to me.
Submitted by transhuman (user info) at 2005-05-18 21:30:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-05-18 21:30:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OK, HERE IS WHAT I CONSIDER EMO SHIT: FAGGOT MALE WHO SITS IN HIS ROOM WITH AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR AND SINGS WITH AN EMASCULATED VOICE SINGING REPETITIVE SHIT WITH TITLES LIKE "BOTTLES" AND "WELLS OF NOD". JESUS, YOU ARE FUCKING EMO AS YOU COULD POSSIBLY GET. I'LL PUT IT SIMPLY: ELECTRIC SIX - GOOD LYRICS, BAND MEMBERS NOT EQUAL TO FAGGOTS, ELECTRIC GUITARS, AND SOLOS. ELECTRIC TOOTH EMO - GAY EMO LYRICS, SINGER = FAGGOT, ACOUSTIC GUITAR, NO SOLOS BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO LAME.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-18 21:28:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You
I wanna take you to a gay bar
I wanna take you to a gay bar
I wanna take you to a gay bar gay bar gay bar gay bar
Let start a war
Start a nuclear war
At the gay bar gay bar gay bar
At the gay bar
Now tell me do ya
Do ya have any money?
I wanna spend all your money
At the gay bar gay bar gay bar
I've got something to put in you
I've got something to put in you
I've got something to put in you
At the gay bar gay bar gay bar
You're a superstar
At the gay bar
You're a superstar
At the gay bar
Yeah you're a superstar
At the gay bar
You're a superstar
At the gay bar
Superstar
Superstar
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-05-18 21:23:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
B@W
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-05-18 21:23:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-05-18 21:13:20 (#)
Ranking: 0
Nice title. I don't see how you could listen to electric six then turn around and record emo shit.
------------
This comment makes me wonder what do you NOT consider 'emo shit'? I have an idea for you and shitfuck and others like you... Why don't you stop using Maddox buzzwords, grow a personality, and then maybe you can begin to expand your horizons. Sure, they'll still only extend to just beyond your mother's tit, but it's a start.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-05-18 21:20:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Impressive.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-05-18 21:14:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuckface has a point, your songs make me puke blood.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-05-18 21:13:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nice title. I don't see how you could listen to electric six then turn around and record emo shit.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-05-18 21:13:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Title it 'The Art of Being a Complete Fucking Moron' and you might be on to something.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-05-18 21:11:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was so funny that I won't even touch on the fact you were hanging out at a ghey bar. har har "the fat tony of the cock-loving underworld".