Because I am a Christian............... (871 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.36 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by M Les <mles76.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-05-19 14:31:39 EDT
About eight years ago my foster parents gave me a credit card to use in emergency situations. My foster parents that year had a lot of money. It was the nicest place I've ever been molested in.
They were a hard-core Christian couple with no children of their own. They took me in when my real mother died from the Aids she contracted from sitting on a dirty toilet seat in San Francisco, my father's whereabouts have remained a mystery my entire life.
I did my best to try to stay out of trouble during my stay with these foster parents. I followed their rules and broke some of my old habits acquired from living on the streets most of my life. I learned to piss in the toilet and wipe up using the paper provided, no more newspaper cuts. Everything was working out.
I went to church every Sunday and tried to get into the spirit of Christianity, I took the sermons to heart and learned a better way living. After years of mounting Satan from behind I was discovering that being a good boy isn't always as boring as it looks. I became a Christian.
After a long day of school followed by a six-hour janitorial shift at our town's local peep show bar I was anxious to get home and watch the Billy Graham special. I took a quick shower to get the crusty substances off that cling to all your exposed skin at that job. I was feeling good; I was singing to the lord and washing away the sticky sin. Life was great.
I put on my Sunday suit and sat on the couch turning the TV to the Christian Network. I sang along with the choir, I gave the lord some heartfelt amen and took notes on Billy's guide to living the righteous life. Then came the commercial that changed me forever.
It was Alex Terbek walking through the slums of some South American city showing me how many children were starving and telling me how it was my fault for not helping them. He said all true Christians should do their part in this "emergency".
Yes, this was a Christian emergency so I called the 1-800 number with my emergency credit card in my hand. For just pennies a day I could buy as many of these children as I wanted, so I did. I bought poor children on three continents. I bought Asian beggars, South American vagabonds, and African tramps. I maxed out the card and was able to purchase 86 poor children. I was asked to leave the Christian house, the couple did not approve of my spending.
Thankfully the children were pre-paid, each for 10 years. I get to keep them. They write me letters every month, I write them back. They know they owe me for their lives. I will hold them to this debt and when the time is right I will assemble my poor children, they will do as they are told.
I recently bought some land in Guyana, an Eden-like plot where I plan on flying my children in to start a colony of Christians living in peace working the land as God meant it to be worked. The land was cheap due to some incident that happened there decades ago. The man from the Jim Jones Charity Foundation who sold me the land is going to help me with the plans. I'll keep you all posted.
About eight years ago my foster parents gave me a credit card to use in emergency situations. My foster parents that year had a lot of money. It was the nicest place I've ever been molested in.
They were a hard-core Christian couple with no children of their own. They took me in when my real mother died from the Aids she contracted from sitting on a dirty toilet seat in San Francisco, my father's whereabouts have remained a mystery my entire life.
I did my best to try to stay out of trouble during my stay with these foster parents. I followed their rules and broke some of my old habits acquired from living on the streets most of my life. I learned to piss in the toilet and wipe up using the paper provided, no more newspaper cuts. Everything was working out.
I went to church every Sunday and tried to get into the spirit of Christianity, I took the sermons to heart and learned a better way living. After years of mounting Satan from behind I was discovering that being a good boy isn't always as boring as it looks. I became a Christian.
After a long day of school followed by a six-hour janitorial shift at our town's local peep show bar I was anxious to get home and watch the Billy Graham special. I took a quick shower to get the crusty substances off that cling to all your exposed skin at that job. I was feeling good; I was singing to the lord and washing away the sticky sin. Life was great.
I put on my Sunday suit and sat on the couch turning the TV to the Christian Network. I sang along with the choir, I gave the lord some heartfelt amen and took notes on Billy's guide to living the righteous life. Then came the commercial that changed me forever.
It was Alex Terbek walking through the slums of some South American city showing me how many children were starving and telling me how it was my fault for not helping them. He said all true Christians should do their part in this "emergency".
Yes, this was a Christian emergency so I called the 1-800 number with my emergency credit card in my hand. For just pennies a day I could buy as many of these children as I wanted, so I did. I bought poor children on three continents. I bought Asian beggars, South American vagabonds, and African tramps. I maxed out the card and was able to purchase 86 poor children. I was asked to leave the Christian house, the couple did not approve of my spending.
Thankfully the children were pre-paid, each for 10 years. I get to keep them. They write me letters every month, I write them back. They know they owe me for their lives. I will hold them to this debt and when the time is right I will assemble my poor children, they will do as they are told.
I recently bought some land in Guyana, an Eden-like plot where I plan on flying my children in to start a colony of Christians living in peace working the land as God meant it to be worked. The land was cheap due to some incident that happened there decades ago. The man from the Jim Jones Charity Foundation who sold me the land is going to help me with the plans. I'll keep you all posted.
User Reviews
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-05-19 20:42:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How did you do that??
"Oops I accidently clicked Ctrl A then Ctrl C, then the down button, then Ctrl V!"
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-05-19 20:19:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by UncleMeat (user info) at 2005-05-19 17:04:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this post made me smile and/or cry:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/66588
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-05-19 16:39:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Will you give your chidren special punch to help them reach the lord faster?
Submitted by Jimmy_Esquire (user info) at 2005-05-19 15:33:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
+2 Christian
-2 Helping poor people
+1 To me for avoiding reading it twice
I own a few tramps in greenwich. Isnt it a great feeling?
Submitted by mles76 (user info) at 2005-05-19 15:24:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Christians scareme and I don't apologize for making anyone read it twice.
Submitted by MoonStone (user info) at 2005-05-19 15:00:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
-2 christian
+2 for helping poor people
-1 for making me read it twice
Submitted by vodka7tall (user info) at 2005-05-19 14:50:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I think I've had too much to drink...
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-05-19 14:47:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't tell if this is an attempt at a cheap-shot or not, but I do know that it was oddly repetetive.
Worth reading.
Submitted by Rocktsrgn (user info) at 2005-05-19 14:45:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Huh? This isn't real, is it? Regardless, I liked your style.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2005-05-19 14:39:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's actually pretty fucking cool. I mean, I'm not the Christian type, but it's just spectacular that you did what you did. I am actually quite impressed.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-05-19 14:39:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
too bad this was almost
a 0.
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-05-19 14:37:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I was all ready to trash this, but it was kinda funny.
Nice work.
Submitted by mles76 (user info) at 2005-05-19 14:34:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oops, double post.