Would you relocate? (1138 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.08 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <veritatislocutor.at.netscape.net> (View user info) at 2003-04-22 11:23:28 EDT
I'm posting this to get folks opinions on this question:
Let's say you're in a committed long-term relationship. You love your partner very much, but s/he has money troubles--about $40,000 in credit card debt that predates your relationship. For as long as you've lived together, you've had to deal with creditors calling every single day. Three times in the past two years, your partner has been served with summonses, threatening lawsuits for delinquency. S/he is very sensitive about this, and gets mad if you try to talk about it, yet doesn't seem to do a damn thing toward fixing this mess.
Now, s/he's hit on a bright idea. S/he wants to sell your home (which is in his/her name), pay off the debt, and move to Florida, using what's left from the sale as a down payment on a new house.
So, you have several choices:
If you agree to this idea, and move with him/her, you'll sacrifice your job, your friends, and your entire social life and have to start from scratch all over again. However, the weather in Florida is much nicer than where you live now, and it would eliminate the debt that has been pvershadowing your lives.
If you don't agree, you risk the financial situation deteriorating further, or possibly your partner deciding to go anyway and break up with you.
I'd really appreciate some honest and thoughtful answers: would you choose to relocate with your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, or not?
User Reviews
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2003-04-24 13:09:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Gay orgy? Cha Ching! In about two months.
Murphy
Submitted by Partholon (user info) at 2003-04-22 22:34:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's a huge, decadent gay orgy that's held in New Orleans around Labor Day weekend. Kind of like Mardi Gras, only gayer and sexier.
When are you going?
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2003-04-22 16:34:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Will do, Parth. What's Southern Decadence? It was my roomies idea to visit Nawleens. I just want and excuse to drink excessively!
Murphy
Submitted by Partholon (user info) at 2003-04-22 16:31:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That would be cool, please do give me an e-mail or something if you're going to be around.
Are you going to Southern Decadence, by any chance? That's usually a blast.
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2003-04-22 16:01:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This year's vacation is going to be in New Orleans. I'll look y'all up my next trip to the Big Apple.
Murphy
Submitted by Partholon (user info) at 2003-04-22 15:59:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks, Streetpunk!
Yes, he does own the co-op, or at least 90% of it. We calculated, based sales of other apartments in our building, that we'd get about $100,000 - $120,000 on it. With the taxes, debt, and mortgage taken care of, we'd have about $20,000 - 30,000 left over.
We have a joint session with his therapist ever other week. I'm going to bring up these issues then, which seems the best solution. If he won't listen to me, he'll at least listen to his shrink. I've used this angle a couple of times in the past to get him to deal with things he was too afraid of, and it worked.
Thanks again, all of you.
Submitted by streetpunk (user info) at 2003-04-22 15:50:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Parth,
Does your b/f own this house or are they still paying a motrgage? If he is still paying, there probably won't be enough money after pay off amount to cover the credit card bills, unless you finance a short payoff through the mortgage company, but then you have to prove a negative income. It sounds like he is trying to run from his debt. You do need to stand up to him. If the short payoff and the credit cards get paid off, there doesn't seem to be much left over for a down pmt. I suggest refinancing if possible or selling the house and moving in to a cheaper place, such as a smaller house or an apartment. I know it sucks but sometimes you gotta do this to get by. I work in a debt counseling dept. at a mortgage company. I know a little about it.
Peace,
STREETPUNK
Submitted by Jumpstart (user info) at 2003-04-22 15:46:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you bail her out without fixing the problem she will just get back into financial trouble and drag you along with her. Get some credit counciling first before you take a step that could leave you hurting in the long run.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-04-22 15:41:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Murph, let me know the next time you visit, I'd love to hang with you and your beautiful friends in the village. I'm a great "fag-hag" - you'll see. xo
Loren
Submitted by Partholon (user info) at 2003-04-22 15:40:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Loki: that's about the only good point of not being able to get married!
Murphy: Yep, those are some hot places, although the Roxy is not what it once was. This is a fantastic place to live, but rough and expensive.
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2003-04-22 15:13:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
<Maniacal laughter>. Maybe my 'gay-dar' kicked it in. New York is a wonderful place to be for queer folk. I went to XL and The Roxy last July on my weekend visit. What a wonderful place!
Murphy
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-04-22 14:50:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well in that case, the good/bad news is that you don't have to worry about the legalities of assuming his debt.
I had a gay roommate once, it was the only time in my life when my curtains matched the furniture.
Submitted by Partholon (user info) at 2003-04-22 14:33:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Murphy has outed me! I wasn't sure how many people would react, and I wanted to get feedback from as broad a spectrum as possible, so I deliberately left the pronouns vague. But, I mean, really: a lot of you saw my Halloween outfit: would a straight guy parade through Greenwich Village dressed like that?
On the other note, I really thank you all for offering a newbie like myself such helpful advice. Basically, my assumptions are confirmed. I'm amazed at how unanimous the answer is! I'm going to have to stand up to him regardless of how uncomfortable it may make him. If our relationship is going to be worth anything, then it can survive a little discomfort to secure our financial stability. Maybe the discomfort will prompt him to do something about it.
We currently have a co-op in the Bronx. I wouldn't mind selling it to buy a house in Westchester or another apartment in Manhattan--as long as it takes care of the debt--but I'm not keen on moving.
Thanks again, all of you,
Dan
Submitted by scott_ny (user info) at 2003-04-22 13:46:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Answer: Do not relocate.
"..doesn't seem to do a damn thing toward fixing this mess. "
I agree with loki. This person is running.... I know the type. You have one very doable choice, if you are committed to this relationship. Tell this person that you must be in charge of all the money. This person should buy lunch without asking you for 5 bucks. Chance maybe that this person may prefer to have someone else control the money. It give them the sense of carelessness that they need while being controlled by a rational person. They may resent this on occasion. (As you indicated by her going in to tantrums when you bring it up)
Bottom line: If you are both talking about marriage, then she must be aware that this would be a significant issue to address without throwing a tantrum. Let's keep something in mind... throwing a tantrum is childish. Act like a child and expect to get treated like one. Expect that your relationship management will always need to be controlled by you. If you don't want this, get out. If you're good with this and want to take care of her. You can't debate or 'discuss' this with her, she needs you to be the boss here.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-04-22 13:25:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Parth, she has to be able to talk about this rationally.
If she goes irrational, put your foot down.
SHE has to be the one to work this out, and in my opinion the most important thing in a relationship is the ability to talk ANYTHING out.
Submitted by kirgurl79 (user info) at 2003-04-22 13:05:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Her problems would not stop there. Even though she may have everything paid of, she will start up new debt again, and it will accumulate. (My parents divorced because of this reason.) It's not worth the risk, let alone leaving your job, family, & friends. Leave her ass.
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2003-04-22 12:58:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Are you in a gay relationship, Parth? I couldn't help but notice the attention to detail any time you referenced gender. Of course, not that it matters, but it'd be nice to have another rainbow-malchick surfing this site.
As for advise, I would work on the debt issue before making any huge commitments. Get on a payment plan or somehow address that issue and work on it for about a year or so. See where your relationship with him/her/it is after some time.
Murphy
Submitted by tartpumper (user info) at 2003-04-22 12:26:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
U will make enough mistakes on your own in the future mate. No matter what anyone says money makes u happy, if u stay with her u will always be in debt and always be pissed off. Your girlfriend sounds like she tells you what to do and from her BIG mistake, she shouldnt be!
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-04-22 12:04:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
5 years ago I had girlfriend who was in the same financial situation. Thank God I didn't stay with her. She was completely irresponsible with her situation and it sounds the same here. Dude. It's over and it's not worth it. If it's a school loan or basic house loan that's understandable, but 40K of credit card debt is plain and simple her true self... irresponsible. Wait till you have some rough times in that relationship than you'll find out the hard way how irresponsible she really is. It will be tough with the house stuff and things, but break up and move on. There's is definitly better chicks out there and you'll be better off for it. Good Luck.
Submitted by hendrixjrr (user info) at 2003-04-22 12:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
she sounds like a real nutjob. I'd leave her if she went psychotic because you tell her she shouldn't be 40K in debt. RUN! Run while you still can!
Jason
Submitted by Justmyview (user info) at 2003-04-22 11:56:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have just one question, will moving make him/her stop overspending? Because if this is not dicussed before your departure, I feel it will be something that will happen all over again in a new location.
Some people just can't help themselves. Perhaps you should let he/she go and see if you truly are in love or committed to the realtionship. Maybe time apart to reflect might be just what you need?
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2003-04-22 11:56:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My advice is not to move away or marry your girlfriend until she takes responsiblity for the mess she is in, admits she has a problem and starts dealing with the creditors and paying them back.
Otherwise cut your losses and move on. Maybe if she thought she would lose you, she would sort herself out.
Submitted by Partholon (user info) at 2003-04-22 11:50:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks, all of you, for your input.
More details: we've been together for just a little over 2 years, and we have talked about marriage. I feel reasonably committed to the relationship, but it's just the whole prospect of picking up and starting life all over again. We live in NYC, and I'm certain life in Florida would be very different. Plus, after 2 years, I'm only just starting to feel like I fit in, belong here.
As far as taking over the finances, I've tried, believe me, I've tried. But I'm sick of dealing with temper tantrums bordering on psychotic episodes every time I broach the subject.
Submitted by hendrixjrr (user info) at 2003-04-22 11:48:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Life's too short be burdened by someone else's mistakes. I don't know what that means exactly, but that's my advice.
Submitted by BlueDuck (user info) at 2003-04-22 11:43:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Florida? Nah, too much humidity. If they're willing to move away from me then I dont need them around anyway.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-04-22 11:39:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you're unsure, you're unsure. To make a move like this, you'd better be commited, completely.
Luck to you, buddy.
Loren
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-04-22 11:32:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
First of all, whatever you decide DO NOT GET MARRIED. I have some friends who got married a couple of years ago. She was much more financially responsible than his is and discovered that she had in fact married into a bad credit rating and some unpaid debt.
As for the relocating thing, I don't quite understand the reason you have to move to Florida. If he/she is really selling the house in order to pay off the debt, why would you have to leave the city where you are now?
I think what is likely is that this person is just trying to run away from the problem and will most likely do the same thing there. Please tell me you have taken over the group finances.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2003-04-22 11:30:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It depends on how committed. I'd probably leave and go to Florida.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-04-22 11:28:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There is just not enough information to form an opinion.
Detail my friend. A lot more.
Things like... how long have you been together? Would you marry this person? How important are your friends? Does she love you?