Tinactin's Big Star Wars Adventure (movie review not included) (1203 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.93 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tinactin (View user info) at 2005-05-19 17:45:36 EDT
I don't like to be the bearer of bad news, but in case you hadn't heard, a new Star Wars movie was released today nationwide. What does this mean to the average American? It means that the streets shall be paved with geeks, dorks, nerds, mooks, losers, degenerates, freaks, gluttons, and other idiots wasting hours if not days of their lives waiting in line to see a fucking movie.
How do I know? I almost ran over a few of them in the parking lot on the way to the theater. In my defense, I found a group of idiots (read: friends) to save me a seat, allowing me ample opportunity to mock everyone standing in line as I casually strolled to my seat at 11:45.
As soon as I sat down, my friend handed me some junk.
"What's this?"
"It's your Darth Vader mask. Put it on."
"This is just a gas mask painted black."
"True. But it really comes in handy when you're working in the strawberry fields and someone flies over with insecticides."
"Fair enough. But what is this yellow thing?"
"Don't be an idiot. That is your lightsaber."
"It is just a baseball bat painted yellow."
"True. But it's yellow."
And thus, Tinactin was saddled with knock-off paraphernalia. I did not want to watch the entire movie with a bunch of shit on my lap or underneath my feet, so I carefully balanced the gas mask on my left arm rest, and removed the soda of the hooker sitting to my right in order to place my bat on that side. Strangely enough the whore and who I can only assume was her British pimp were both a bit displeased.
Before I go on, I have to say it was good to see a pimp bringing his women out for a little entertainment. I often wonder what these types do in their spare time. I like to imagine Bishop Magic Don Juan bitching about a bowler crossing the line during a league game, or perhaps having one of his hoes hand him those mini-basketballs in a shooting game. And do pimps have a sense of humor regarding their profession? Tell me it would not be great to have a bumper sticker that read "My Other Car is a 1986 Italian".
Before I go off on a tangent...
British Pimp: Pardon me, sir, but I believe your hands are wrapped around the lady's confection.
Me: I am not going to drink any of it. I'll just put it on the floor.
British Pimp: Mind yourself. I know how to handle ruffians.
Me: So do I. Take a look at my Aluminum friend.
British Pimp: Actually, it's pronounced Aluminium.
*crack*
I had no more problems with him after that, especially with the movie starting. Instead, my problems came from an entirely new direction.
Namely, that guy. You know. That fucking guy. The guy who cheers and claps at every single moment of any consequence on screen. He's the guy who yells "DON'T GO IN THE ROOM!" and "Yeeeahhhh. Kick his ass! Hurry up! They're escaping!" "Wooooooo!"
Imagine if George Lucas saw fit to include a scene in which Yoda was forced to take a difficult, but not impossible, dump.
Yoda: Stretching my anus is. MmmmMmmm.
That guy: Oh hell yeah! Deficate, don't constipate! Lay that pipe down!
Why does this guy feel the need to yell at the screen? It just amazes me. Nearly ruined the whole movie for me, and one of those aisle attendants had already taken away my bat.
As for the movie itself, I said I would not be reviewing it, and I wont, but I have a few short observations. If you don't want to know anything about it, skip down to where it says "END SPOILERS".
Here goes.
-During the scene in which Natalie Portman is giving birth, the medical droid says "We can't find anything wrong with her medically. It seems she has lost the will to live." Shortly afterward, Portman passes.
What the fuck is this? Is the autopsy report going to read "cause of death: loss of will to live"? I lose the will to live every night, but inevitably I wake up again with the same hard on and craving for Funjuns.
-The funniest thing about this movie is the fact that a key factor in Anakin's descent into evil is his enjoyment of a good vagina. You have to admire Lucas for creating a mythology that glorifies not having sex or fulfilling any of your own desires. Is it really any wonder that he turned to the dark side? Being a Jedi is much like being a Buddhist. Think about all of the Buddhists you know. Have any of them ever had any fun?
END SPOILERS
Prologue: It turns out that the man I had mistaken for a Brit was in fact Syrian, and his prostitutes were actually a small portion of his white slavery ring. We're having lunch in a few days.
On a completely unrelated note, I am happy to report that I have reunited a 90s rap superstar with his estranged illegitimate parent.
User Reviews
Submitted by SmirkDog (user info) at 2008-05-19 15:37:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lay that pipe down!
Submitted by Squijee (user info) at 2005-05-23 05:25:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In my life
why do I smile
at people who I'd much rather kick in the eye
I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour
but heaven knows I'm miserable now
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-05-23 04:47:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-05-23 03:53:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You, I love.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/66568#1340992
Submitted by Didier (user info) at 2005-05-20 16:39:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your friends suck
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-05-20 16:27:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Prologue: It turns out that the man I had mistaken for a Brit was in fact Syrian, and his prostitutes were actually a small portion of his white slavery ring. We're having lunch in a few days.
___
Or as Rick says to Louie at the end of the movie "I think that this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship...."
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-05-20 12:09:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"True. But it really comes in handy when you're working in the strawberry fields and someone flies over with insecticides."
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-05-20 12:03:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the fuck is this? Is the autopsy report going to read "cause of death: loss of will to live"? I lose the will to live every night, but inevitably I wake up again with the same hard on and craving for Funjuns
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-05-20 11:50:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually went and saw this tonight. Under duress.
"Why are you making me gooooooo?"
"Because remember when you made me watch hitch hiker's guide? Now it's your turn to suffer. Thisis what marriage is, honey - taking it in turns to suffer."
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-05-20 08:27:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
RATE THIS MOTHERFUCKERS!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-05-20 01:57:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, this is why i wait until that shit comes out on DVD and I can rent it. That and I hate the fucking clapping, I bet that everyone clapped at the end didn't they?? YOU'RE CLAPPING AT A WALL. STOP IT.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-05-19 22:53:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-05-19 20:50:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Perm in your hair or even a curly weave
With that new edition bobby brown button on your sleeve
I tell you come here
You say meet me half way
Cause brothers been popping that game all day
Around the way you're like a neighborhood jewel
All the home boys sweat you so you're crazy cool
Wear your gold in the summer with your biking shorts
While you watching all the brothers on the basketball court
Going to the movies with your home girls crew
While the businessmen in suits be hawking you
Baby, hair pumping, lip gloss is shining
I think you in the mood for whining and dining
So we can go out and eat somewhere
We got a lot of private jokes to share
Lisa, angela, pamela, renee I love you you're from around the way
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-05-19 20:19:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yea.
Let me take you doowwwn, cuz I'm going to
Strawberry Fields.
Nothing is real.
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-05-19 20:18:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If George Lucas had Yoda kill that annoying guy he probably still would have been doing the same thing.
"YEA! KILL ME! KILL THAT ASSHOLE YEA!"
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-05-19 20:09:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fat bottom girls you make this rocking world do round.
Thanks for the 70's flash back donk.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-05-19 19:19:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/66619
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-05-19 18:57:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BIIIIIIIIIICYCLE! BIIIIIIICYCLE! BIIIIIIIICYCLE
I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle I want to ride it where I like
You say black
I say white
You say bark
I say bite
You say shark
I say hey man, Jaws was never my scene and I don't like Star Wars.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-05-19 18:08:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"I lose the will to live every night, but inevitably I wake up again with the same hard on and craving for Funjuns."
Heh.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-05-19 18:02:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
bah. I meant epilogue. This is what happens when you don't proofread.